I’ve been really hung up on a girl recently (we’ll call her Jane) and realized I’m hoping I get a text or message from her (or somebody for that matter) for a form of validation or feeling wanted by other people.
I think the most prevalent problem is Jane (and the larger issue is feeling lack of attention/connection) especially with girls. The reason I’m hung up on Jane I think is that I thought she liked me (and I find her attractive) so it made me feel good and gave me validation when I thought she might be into me. But when she doesn’t respond (which is most common) I get sad and when she does, I get a boost of dopamine and feel better about myself, she’ll sometimes to reply to something I posted on social media, like an Instagram or Snapchat story) and we’ll maybe exchange a couple messages but most of the time she’ll leave me on delivered. Texting is similar I’ll send a text and maybe get a few responses but then she’ll stop.
I realize depending on her isn’t healthy, but I don’t know how to stop it. I can try to talk to other girls (which I’m trying to do on Hinge) but I don’t get great responses there either which doesn’t help myself image. But I really wish I had more connection/interaction with people. How do I fix this problem? I guess just try to make new relationships but where can I meet people? The problem is I don’t know where to go to meet people. I have to drive everywhere (live on the west coast) which makes going to bars kind of tricky, but I don’t really know where else to go. I think there is some internal work I need to do but I don’t know where to start.
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The more anxious you are about other people and the more you care so much about other people in terms of receiving their attention, time, reassurance, approval, validation either online/offline, the more needy and desperate you will become for them and the less likely people will reciprocate and associate with you. People notice the way you act and carry yourself around them. They can sense your anxious vibes. They know when you are overly attached to them and heavily dependent upon them for online/offline attention. Your actions tend to show it. The tell tale signs are you texting/calling them way more than they are to you, and you being anxious, emotionally reacting, and confronting them when they don’t give you attention, time, reassurance, approval, validation either online/offline for whatever reason. People are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. They gravitate towards somebody who is self confident, brings positive vibes in conversations, and is well rounded enough in life to not depend on others. You need to become genuinely busy in your life focusing on your hobbies and goals, while interacting with other people on the side. Find something you enjoy doing in life and keep doing that overtime. You will build much needed self esteem and self confidence. Chase excellence, not people.