So there’s a deeper context here,
My husband and I share some mutual guy friends and recently 3 have them have become bachelors at the same time. Naturally these guys are living up the single life, which I 100% understand. We still hang out together as a group at times for birthdays, etc., and when one friend was horribly cheated on I went out with this group of single guys to be there for him.
Well, now I’m starting to feel like the buzzkill just being a woman in their presence. They’ve REALLY embraced the single life, to the point where it seems they can’t NOT talk about their escapades when they are together. Of course my husband thinks it’s funny when they talk about it around us, and I did at first too. But then things started to get a little vulgar and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, talking about “this girls THIGHS OMG” and “I need Taco Tuesday tonight :p” shit like that. Like if they want to do their guy talk with each other that’s fine, but I just get weirded out because I see these guys as friends and brothers.
It doesn’t help that one of the guy friends tends to be a bit more directly misogynistic at times, belittling any stories I share about legitimate fears I have being out and about as a woman in certain situations, or at least being extremely surprised by them. He also said I was sexist for saying I wish I could go certain places “without being perceived by men”. He also once said a woman he saw who didn’t shave her legs “looked like Sasquatch” and shit like that.
So fast forward, I have a chat with my girlfriend about how uncomfortable I’m feeling, and I decide I’m going to bring it up to my husband, and just let him know that I’ll let him hang out with these guys and I’ll hang back whenever it’s just them out and about. We also run a twice a week social event, and he told me the bachelors were all there talking about women and dating the other night, and I told him that’s probably not a good idea since this is a diverse group of people and at some point someone (especially women) might get uncomfortable around that.
Well, the discussion turned into an argument, because he perceived me as “on a war path” to “judge” these guys. And that it’s fine they were talking about that stuff because no one else was at our social event that night and it was just them. I reiterated to him that that’s fine, but I personally feel uncomfortable around that and just don’t want to participate, and am hoping they don’t bring it up in front of the rest of our social group later on. I just wanted to bring it up in private with him just to be aware.
Idk why, but my husband is acting like I’m personally attacking him for participating in this group of guys. He said he “had a great time tonight” with them at the social event and I am killing the good mood he had by bringing this up. Is he just feeling guilty because maybe he didn’t speak up when he should have if something misogynistic was said? I’ve told him over and over this has nothing to do with him, but more about that the one friend that was rubbing me the wrong way lately and I don’t feel like broing down with the others. He also calls me judgmental, when in fact he’s always complaining about his other best friend talking about sexcapades constantly, so I feel like that’s super hypocritical.
It seems like a stupid fight but I want to be able to raise concerns about our friends’ behavior to my husband without him getting defensive about it…I’m feeling pretty gaslit being told that I’m being “too emotionally charged” about it. I feel like stating I was uncomfortable and reiterating reasons why wasn’t inappropriate.
1 comment
You should be able to raise these things with your husband without defensiveness or a fight (and absolutely without being accused of “killing the mood” as if it’s your job to be uncomfortable so that your husband doesn’t ever have to be — that is crap.)
However, in terms of helping you two through this moving forward, it’s also helpful to remember that the way we communicate things and the way each person is feeling has a big impact on how the conversation goes — that is, your communication of the issue might be leaving some things to be desired, and your husband’s feelings of conflict or guilt or shame may be complicating things too, even as you try not to blame him.
Frankly, if I were you, when it comes up again I’d try to be more clear (with yourself and your husband) about the different issues here (at least, different as I see it — but I don’t have all the context!).
(1) Most problematic: The misogyny and dismissiveness some of the guys are directing *at you* with respect to your opinions etc — this is the most problematic thing, and you are within your rights to insist that your husband listen to your feelings about this and back you up in words and behavior, whether that means verbally standing up for you if someone tries to dismiss your feelings, or protecting you from having to be exposed to it if the person keeps doing it.
(2) Compromise: Your distaste for socializing with that guy and to some extent with the others, despite being close before — this seems like something you two should be able to compromise on. My husband doesn’t really like some of my friends, and I can (like your husband should be able to) accept that without making it about me or acting like it’s a judgment on me because I DO enjoy them. He tolerates them in certain group situations, but I invite them around less and don’t arrange small-group or 1:1 hangouts that include him because I know he wouldn’t enjoy it, and that’s how we respect each other in that way.
(3) Let it go (for now): Your worries about these guys at your social gatherings. I’ve been guilty of this, too — but frankly, if everyone you’re inviting is an adult there’s no reason you have to try to make sure everyone at the party likes one another (or presume you are even accurately able to predict that). They can handle that on their own. If, in fact, the misogynistic guy or one of his friends says or does something that obviously makes other guests uncomfortable, THEN you can and should raise it again with your husband.
Dividing these up will prevent the truly troubling stuff in (a) from being lumped in with — or easily dismissed/questioned because of — vague worries about things that haven’t happened yet in (c). I have found with my husband that it’s more important for us to be extremely clear about exactly what we’re discussing, and not to conflate it with other things that *I* see as related but which are different issues that may have different solutions.