So for a bit of context: I’ve been best friends with this girl for 5 years now. We’ve been through everything, to the point that our families see the me & her as part of their own. We’ve been on several relationships during our friendship, providing a shoulder to cry on after every break-up.
The thing is, she had a **really** toxic relationship a few months ago that damaged her really badly, to the point of causing her panic attacks and blocking herself emotionally. The dude basically invalidated everything she said and felt constantly, making her feel like trash. I was there for her the entire time.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, I invited her to see some movies at my house, and after a couple of hours cuddling we eventually kissed and slept together. Everything was really beautiful from start to end. The problem started with the conversations we had the next days: she told me that she could forget what happened and keep being friends, but that she didn’t want to. She also warned me that she wasn’t in her right state of mind to have an actual serious relationship, and that she didn’t want to hurt me by any means. I was already really invested at that point, so we decided to give it a slow try.
Everything was going really well, I could see her really happy and so was I, we were having a lot of fun (I cooked for her, went to the gym together, spent cold days together in bed, etc). But everytime I did something slightly romantic it would trigger her anxiety and freak her out, because of her emotional blockage (she didn’t know how to feel about it or how to react). This kept happening and made question if I was actually being something positive to her, making me really anxious.
The thing is, she had a rough weekend and Monday for personal reasons, so I wanted to cheer her up. Told her I was coming to her place on Tuesday night. Surprised her with the flowers she always told me she liked, made her lunch to bring to work the next day, turned off the lights and started playing a slow piano song I like on Spotify, grabbed her and danced with her in her room.
I could tell she was loving every second of it, her big smile and teary eyes gave it away. Then she freaked out again, and said sorry several times. I said it was ok, that she wasn’t ready yet and apologized for the surprise, because maybe it was a bit too much.
At that point I was convinced that I was just going to obstruct her healing process if I stayed with her that way. So I told her last night that maybe I was not going be something positive in her life right now, and that she needed space to try to be in touch with how she really felt. Then ended things there. Problem is that what felt like a platonic love over the years is now gone, and I’m head over heels for her, and I can’t tell her because it would just make things worse.
I’m lost and have 0 clue what to do. Did I make the right choice? Should I just walk away completely?
TL;DR. Started dating my best friend who wasn’t doing well emotionally, then ended it because I figured I was just hurting her. Now I’m in love and can’t go back, so I feel like shit cause I think I just lost her.
PS: Sorry if my english isn’t good enough.
8 comments
I think you made the right choice, because it sounds like she’s just not ready for another relationship yet. Give her some space, and remember that that doesn’t have to be forever. Whether you rekindle things romantically or go back to being friends in the future, giving her space doesn’t mean that your connection has to end for good.
Doin a lot of assuming there bud
Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it to. This chick sounds really unstable and it seems like she’s just using you to get over her last relationship but doesn’t really feel that way about you. I wouldn’t think to hard about this and be on to the next.
I think you’re fine man, it sounds like you just need to keep being considerate and let her come to you. Extend the invitation, but let her take space when she needs it. Hope this works out for both of you, sounds like y’all would be a cute couple.
I think this is above reddit paygrade – if shes unable to deal with her past abuses/ptsd she should (if able) get mental health assistance from a professional.
I understand caring for someone who is hurt and scared, its hard. Be there when shes ready but dont stop life while she heals.
Give her some space and time. Check back in in 3-6 months?
Why would you do a romantic gesture when you know it makes her uncomfortable? What made you say, “My girlfriend had a rough weekend. What would make her feel better? A romantic gesture that has historically made her anxiety worse!”
You’ve made your bed, now you need to lie in it. Don’t make it her issue that you aren’t able to control your own feelings.
You can be a supportive partner without being romantic. Think of ways to help her that don’t center your desires too. Has she seen a therapist? Look up resources for abused partners and refer her to them. Let her know that you are there for her NO MATTER WHAT and that she has done nothing wrong.