**Preface:** My boyfriend is the most patient and kind man I have ever been with. It will be 2 years in December that we’ve been together. We met online and my relationship with him has been so fulfilling in a lot of ways. His family really likes me. His friends get along with me. We are very affectionate and have never had a full blown fight with each other. Mostly just little squabbles here and there about how to load the dishwasher or other benign issues like that. We just moved in together over a month ago.
I was raised in a fundamentalist christian sect with extremely hardline parents. I was encouraged not to attend college, and I was expected to marry within this tiny group. Unsurprisingly, that didn’t work out… especially as the group has been haemorrhaging members for years, so I moved out when I was 25 (and they exploded) and then left the church (they exploded again). When you leave, the church effectively shuns you. My entire extended family has left this group, grandparents included. My parents are the only ones left and have burned their bridges with all the family, including me. I have mended my relationship with all of them, but my parents have no interest in inviting me for christmas again or fixing what has been broken. This is especially difficult as I have to see my dad at work every day. As a result, my emotions are all over the place. I have no formal education and feel trapped in this job. I get ignored on a daily basis by my dad and it is truly a nightmare going to work. I have the support of my extended family but it is very heartbreaking to be disowned by my own parents.
**The issue:** I have had at least 4 breakdowns in the last 18 months where I have thought something was wrong in my relationship, or pestered my boyfriend about whether he’s ok, and it has ALWAYS stemmed from a place of feeling abandoned by my parents. I will confront him about some small thing that he did to upset me or worry me and I end up sobbing and unloading all of my emotions onto him. He always sits me down and talks me through it and stuff, he’s very supportive in that way and really makes me feel better. Often after we talk I feel extremely stupid, and a bit guilty for my behaviour. This happened again last night and he cancelled plans with friends to help me. What triggered the issue was that he came home and I had made him a fancy pasta dish from scratch since I was heading out with a friend. He came in and just said “i don’t need dinner I’m going out with Sam tonight”. For some reason I just broke down. I was mad he didn’t communicate with me beforehand, I was mad about making the effort… even though i could have just put it in the stupid fridge for us to enjoy later. But I was also mad at other things, and so I overreacted and snapped on him and said we seem to be having communication problems and accused him of being distant. Ultimately I broke down and then came to realize that this week had been overwhelming for me as my parents found out I was living with him and had told my brothers they would throw away all my stuff in storage since i was “living in sin” and I had to change my hours because I was tired of clocking out and having my dad stare daggers at me. I feel guilty knowing that my boyfriend signed up for a relationship with such a major liability (me) and that if he marries me, he will likely never have in-laws who love him in the way he deserves.
**TL;DR** I know this is classic projection, and its not fair to him. I cannot expect my boyfriend to create happiness and stability for me. I have to do that myself. I feel like I’ve been pushing his limits a bit and considering that he is unbelievably patient and loving with me, I know I am sabotaging a good thing by continuing to have these little meltdowns that often befuddle him in the beginning and leave him worried and stressed out about me. I have another therapy appointment at the end of the month, my therapist is wonderful, but he’s expensive and I can only see him a few times a year.
What should I do to cultivate a better, and more relaxing environment for us? What are some tips so that I can manage my emotions better and take responsibility for myself?
8 comments
You need to find a more inexpensive therapist who you can see regularly, because you have so much unresolved trauma that you are taking out on your bf. Honestly, I don’t think you should be in a relationship until you can work through this stuff.
First of all, it is important for you to know that people hate having in-laws. They put up with in-laws. He didn’t start dating you in the hopes that one day he would have an additional set of parents in his life. Some people are toxic, and sometimes those people are our family. When you have friends and someone who loves you, that becomes your family. Your parents, while are important based on societal norms, ultimately are not doing a great job of being parents. Being a parent means loving someone unconditionally. They have failed at that. But you have other people in your life who do love you unconditionally. The way to move past this, is to talk with a therapist, counselor, or life coach. You can get an associates degree or a certification in order to work a different job. If you need help figuring this out, let me know. I am really good at research and have some free time at the moment. Just know, that you can navigate whatever life throws you. I think what would make your boyfriend happy would be to know that you have a definitive plan for getting better.
Oh gosh I feel like I could have written this. I have similar issues and lots of trauma. I want to tell you, you feel you are burdening him, doesn’t mean you are. You don’t cancel plans and have patience with someone you feel is a burden to you. He chooses to help you. Remember that. I have to remind myself of that too.
Some things I do, to not have outbursts and get upset at him for “silly” things or projection. I write alot. Write out what I am feeling, why I am feeling that way. Even write out what I would say to him in the moment, Usually that brings.me perspective and makes me realize i dont want to say those things to him. Im just upset. Try to think about the trigger and remind myself of the things he does that make me feel good. Usually puts me in better place, and allows me to manage my trauma and emotions or sort them out without having to involve him. I still talk to him when I need too, it just makes those times less dramatic and overwhelming for us both.
Hope this helps you.
The Crappy Childhood Fairy YouTube channel would be a great supplement for your therapy. She deals with Complex PTSD in people who grew up in abusive families, and you’re definitely flagging for it if you’re having trauma-sourced reactions like you are.
Get a different job. Working with your family is a no-no. You have a skill set, use it. And if you need new skill set, learn one. Start a new work path. Remain calm. BF seems supportive. Avoid the self-fulfilling prophesy.
It’s clear that you know exactly what the issue is here and that’s amazing. Your shitty parents have gifted with you with abandonment issues.
I know money is probably tight but this is something a good therapist should be involved in helping you with. I’d look into ways to get yourself more face time with the one you’re seeing or finding one who uses a sliding scale so your money goes further. Because although I know this is frustrating to hear, the solution is continuing to deconstruct the trauma you’ve endured. If you haven’t done this already, I would also use a session to speak specifically about this issue and ask for instruction. This will get easier as you heal but that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you can do now to help yourself manage your relationships. I would also suggest checking out online resources because although they aren’t the same as a therapist, I think knowing you’re not alone and why this is happening will be helpful. One creator I’d suggest is cptsdwhisperer on Instagram. Please keep in mind that these are not a stand in for a therapist though.
Therapy with someone who understands your experience would be a great idea.
For now you also might need want to look into one of the forums like ex Mormon and seek help and comfort. Talk to people who have already walked the road you are on now and find out how they successfully navigated it.
You need a new job ASAP. If you have to quit and work fast food for a few weeks or months until you find something else, that’s fine. Not having that emotional weight of seeing your abusive dad every day is worth it. I’m not sure where you live, but in my area there’s “Work Ready” programs at local community colleges that can train you for something like accounting, nursing, or early childhood education (among other things) in just a few months. They’re designed for people just like you who have other things going on in life or are coming back to school, so they’re more flexible on scheduling, and often have scholarships or grants available to help with the cost.
As far as your stuff goes, do you have access to the storage locker? Because it’s time to get it all back. You can’t have your parents holding ANYTHING over you. It’s time for complete independence from them. So if you can, just get your stuff now. If not, I’m sorry to say it’s probably time to accept that it’s all gone. As long as they have it or you care about it, they’ll just keep using it as leverage.
Does your therapist accept insurance? Because you could keep an eye out for jobs that offer insurance of some sort. If not, there’s other things you can do between therapy sessions, like finding support groups or group therapy, which are usually free. This isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, but r/raisedbynarcissists or r/survivorsofabuse might be good Reddit communities to look into, as both would be able to relate to your ordeal of having to go no-contact with family. I’m sure there’s some more specific subs that are more applicable to your situation if you go looking. And I know you mentioned how you like your therapist because they understand cults, but I think a cheaper therapist could still help with things like emotional regulation and abandonment issues from time to time, in addition to your regular therapist visits.
And like other people said, don’t worry about the in laws thing! I know a lot of couples where, even without baggage, they just end up hanging out with one of their families a lot more than the other. If anything, your future in-laws would probably just be thrilled to have a nice young lady around.