Wife says we are roommates and wants to separate

37 comments

1. She probably has a guy she is seeing. How does she act with her phone around you. Does she bring the phone everywhere she goes?

2. You mention the details on how you manage daily chores/life/kid… but what do yall do for fun? Weekly dates, hobbies, goals, exercise, weekends away, travel, massages, volunteer, projects? How do those look?

3. What’s her actual reason? Just stating that she feels you guys are “roommates” sounds like there is relationship intimacy that’s lacking. If that’s the case, it may be as easy as learning how to show her love, her way. What does she need in order to build intimacy? I wish you the best, and hopefully you guys can work it out!

4. When is the last time and how often does she communicate this intimacy problem?

5. It sounds like you act like her friend and not her romantic partner. Do you still flirt? Give her compliments? Make romantic gestures? Show physical affection? Grab her ass (lol)?

6. Sorry to say there is not much we can do outside of guess and project. If she won’t communicate and won’t go to counseling there isn’t much you can do. Personally I would try one thing.

   I would recommend going to see a marriage counselor by yourself just to talk through the details with a pro. A professional may be able to uncover things your bias (bias is a natural and normal challenge we all face) is hiding.

   Going to a marriage counselor alone may (or may not) encourage your wife to attend. If it doesn’t you didn’t lose much outside of a few hours and a knowledge that you made your best effort. I’d hate going through divorce knowing I didn’t even try counseling even if it was just solo.

7. You mention you are awkward. Are you autistic?

8. Any chance of infidelity? Your only chance is through counseling but if she won’t then the writing is on the wall

9. When my ex wife said this and was mostly against counseling it was because she was so long fed up with petty crap that she was checked out and by the time she told me she wanted to separate she was talking to another guy. I too was blindsided, never fought with her, looking back we had a bad communication problem and the lack of arguing was a BAD thing because it meant one of us was just giving in continuously and that’s not good, some healthy “fighting” or bickering is a good thing IMO. Good luck OP

10. This sounds like a great friendship and a great foundation to a marriage. Where is the passion? Is their flirting? Dating? Deep conversations? Do y’all discuss dreams, fears and hopes? This sounds like y’all never do emotional check ins or honest ones. Part of intimacy is emotional intimacy and this involves sharing desires, wants and needs.

    My husband and I once a month have a child free discussion on our marriage ranking. We rate the marriage on a scale of 1-10. Some months we chose the same number and some months we’re way off from each other. After that we discuss what is lacking and come up with solutions. We have two kids and sometimes sex isn’t consistent but the emotional intimacy is always there. We remain playful and flirty. Just the other day he emailed me like he was a stranger and complimented me and asked me on a date. Made my heart flutter.

    Y’all really have to sit down and figure out where you each are. It sounds like she is all the way checked out and has been for a long time. It start with just listening. Ask her when she started feeling like this and why. Don’t get defensive just listen. She can even write it down in a letter if that is easier. To have no idea your wife is unhappy and has been for a long time is a red flag in the connection department.

11. Not much to go by but the obvious she doesn’t think u have a great relationship, do t know what else to say

12. If she’s had an issue that’s ongoing but only brought it up once before moving directly towards separation with not even a desire to go to counseling, then good riddance I say. She’s ready to leave. Have some self respect and let her leave and just focus on making the best life possible for yourself. If she doesn’t want to go to counseling, then don’t waste your time forcing her to go. Go see a therapist yourself for yourself. She sounds like the type that if you were to just agree with her and emotionally detach, she would all of a sudden come back around and seek validation. Just focus on yourself king. Any partner who is unwilling or hesitant to attend therapy prior to calling it quits has basically made up their mind without any consideration for you or your feelings on the matter.

13. I e been here and I feel your pain. I’m sorry this is happening. Now go make yourself the best human you can be. Make changes and become the SO she deserves. She may be set in separating. Be the best version of yourself that you can be, it might fix it, it might not, but you will still end up the best person you can be.

14. Do you know what her love languages are?

15. She’s probably cheating on you.

16. If you want to save your marriage you have to start the dating process all over again and if she stays you have to constantly reinforce how much you love her how beautiful she is and how sexy you think she is, send her flowers leave love notes take her out more make her feel special, it worked for me and our sex life exploded, sex life was ok to begin with 1-2 times a week but now we do it more and much more intense. The thing you will need most is patience it will not happen overnight but if she loves you her attitude will change with time and you have to make it believable, I also turned my wife down for sex a couple of times because I did not want her to think I did anything to get her in bed I did it because I love her

17. I suspect she will be running into the arms of another man. As sad as it is, most people don’t leave the comfort of an old relationship unless a new one is lined up, ready to spare them and distract from the heartache of separating your life from someone.

    I would ask her and I would also start snooping.

18. As someone who has said those exact words it’s all about finding the time for romance and intimacy. When I’ve started to feel this way my husband and I have a whole date on our own going somewhere we have never been and having a few drinks. No phones and just being present with each other. Find something you can do intimately with her that’s not necessarily sexual. My husband washes my hair in the shower and that is something that I hold near and dear. Just open up be emotional and let her know how you feel and see if that connection is still there.

19. It takes two. Frankly she should be buying new lingerie and seducing you every so often. If she is not doing anything on her side then she is the one creating the roommate feeling. Instead of pinning it all on you she should look in the mirror.

20. Reading your comments & post history and even though you say that she just told you recently that there are intimacy problems, I’m guessing she’s said it before, just not in so many words. I see that you were struggling with a drinking problem and I bet that was part of it…

    I know when I left my ex-husband, by the time I told him I was done, I’d spent years asking him to make changes and not having that happen, except in week or two increments. I will admit that I was bad at communicating it in that I never put up boundaries that held him to making a permanent change, but you can’t communicate well with someone who isn’t receiving it as something serious.

    My best advice is that you need to listen to her. Really listen to her. If she’s asking for space, give it to her. Don’t make the mistake of trying to overcompensate for everything she’s been asking you to do in the last few years now. That will only drive her away. Do your best to learn how she prefers to receive love and don’t assume that she feels love the way that you are normally prepared to give it.

21. Ask to date her again, tell her you are sorry you both let it get to this level. It can so easily get to roommate status. So if you she really does not care enough to save the family unit then she will say no. If she ever loved you, loved your family, then she will date you again.

22. This is sad. I warn my husband all the time, I’m not gonna keep telling you to treat
    Me like your wife not one of the guys.
    I am not much of a complainer, and I will give a relationship my all, but once I’m done, I’m done.
    My husband and I are at the same point.

23. So many spouses complain of exactly this. Living like roommates raising children and then acting surprised when they want to leave.

24. The fact that you were blindsided sort of says you were checked out of the marriage…it also sounds like you were willing to accept the lack of physical intimacy and just assumed it was an issue with your wife’s libido instead of talking to her about it. I hope you can check back in to your marriage and hopefully save the relationship

25. Dude, never stop dating your wife. You can turn this around. Start making her number one and do those things you did when dating. Start today!

26. Is this really the first you’re hearing if her being unhappy? Or has she tried to talk about it before and you didn’t think it was a big deal?

27. Do you ever initiate sex? It can be exhausting to be the only person initiating sex, especially if you get turned down. This could be a big reason she’s feeling this way.

28. Game Over dude… Sorry … Move along, get a new girlfriend (s)

29. Look up “Walk Away Wife Syndrome” and see if any of that sounds like what’s been happening. She may have been drawing back for a while.

30. Can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.

31. I am in similar situation 10 years of marriage but my DH pretends all is okay.we do not —share a laugh,spending time with each other,ask about how was your day,0 intimacy.
    There are always 2 people in a relationship, we did attend couples therapy and things did change but now feels like the circle is repeating again. I actually feel like we are roommates.Only thing we discuss is things related to our kid.
    Both of you have to give in your 50%
    If she has made up her mind no one can help. But yeah you need to know what happened and why things are like this.
    So give counselling a try.Try to spend some exclusive „us“ time with her.dates/movies/talk/share and ask /discuss.Be honest and tell her what ever you feel all positive and negative emotions also.You need to know each other’s expectations.It has to be done both ways.

32. Questions: Does she have an income? Why isn’t she willing to divorce?

    Half input, blind sided? That raise questions of infidelity. Sounds like you are wanting to make this work but she’s not having it. What’s her reasonings?

33. You have to remember to keep dating even after marriage, after we bare children it’s hard to find ourselves again. We think of everyone before ourselves. My husband is an amazing teammate and best friend but he also makes it known I’m attractive. Comes up behind me with kisses, grabs me just to say I’m beautiful. It’s to the point our oldest who is 5, loves to compliment how beautiful I am. It’s the little things

34. I honesty feel this way towards my husband. He seems to think that helping with the kids and not fighting means our relationship is great. I’ve tried to explain to him that I need more and told him things he can do to make me feel more satisfied but he hasn’t followed through with anything. If I’m being honest I could care less at this point if our relationship works or doesn’t but we have kids so I’d rather just stick around because it’s not horrible. Nothing is about emotions or opening up, it’s just about day to day stuff which is very unsatisfying.

    Personally if I were you I would try to spend time with her with no electronics around and truly try to talk and open up every single day after the kid goes to bed. And your have to put effort into it because she’s already given up on that. Like try making cocktails and a cheese board and set it up away from the TV. Start talking about your day but add in how you felt about things that happened, even if it seems kind of silly! Like, “I was stressed today when I got this email.” It’s a little more open than just, “today was fine.”

35. I guess after awhile you kind of get complacent and don’t try or do the things you did in the beginning to get her and so over time it gets stale. If I were you I’d try and persuade her to go to couples counseling and if God blesses you and she gives you another chance. You make the biggest change ever in your relationship

36. That’s always been my worst fear. I’ve told my now husband and partner of almost a decade that’s never happening and we’ve had to work at keeping our spark and we are still madly in love. Even when it’s stale both people have to be willing to send a flirty text, sexy pic, wear lingerie, go on a getaway weekend, plan a date, buy a sentimental gift or jewelry, cook a meal or clean the house if the other partner usually does it, find the correct love language of each partner, etc. It’s work. You can’t just get so comfortable you become room mates. I’d ask her if she’s willing to try to get the spark back and then you actually need to put the work in.

37. Don’t mean to be that guy.. but any chance she is seeing someone else? If it’s the blindsiding that would explain it.