Some of my friends are quite unresponsive, they may take hours or day to reply. For example I have a few friends that I can text on Friday evening (say between 6pm-8pm) to check if they want to catch up during the weekend but they won’t reply (positively or negatively) until the next day at noon or in the afternoon (that’s just an example). On the other hand I have another friend that will reply almost always within an 1h, the communcation is always efficient.
I can understand sometimes you are in the middle of something, or then you just forget about it, but I notice this pattern very often. And most people keep their phone close to them 24/7 and see the text almost immediately (e.g. that’s the behavior I’ve seen when I am with those unresponsive friends checking their phone immediately when they get a message!), so why do they have to pretend to be busy? I’d prefer they directly say they have other plans or prefer to chill for example than just taking hours/day to reply.
Somehow related to that, in some podcast I was listening earlier this year, the author mentionned about how communications have evolved the last past years or so, noticing that before the text messaging era (whatsapp & co) you would call a friend but now it feels rather intrusive.
How does your communication have evolved with friends in the last few years? Have you seen a change? Do you see the behavior I’ve described with some of your friends? Does it bother you? Do I just need to chill and not bother? Does communication with friends tend to be less responsive as you get older? Could it be the evolution of communication due to the pandemic?
edit: those friends are what I’d refer to my “close” circle of friends, don’t have kids and not married or single. I am an introvert and grew up in what is refered to as a ‘dysfunctional’ family if that matters.
10 comments
I can tell you between work, 2 kids, a wife, work around the house and trying to find personal time. my schedule is full at least a week or 2 in advance. currently making plans for april 22.
we have a group chat with the 11 core group of guys. that’s where most planning happens. “I’m off this weekend, who else is free” “i’m headed fishing tomorrow” “so and so just stopped by, going to have a few drinks if anyone wants to come by” “boys weekend xx date work?”
it’s an effective system. we are all busy with our personal lives. we don’t need to catch up daily or weekly, something is coming up or we want to do something we put it out there and who can make it does.
My friends become so unresponsive they are no longer friends…as in I got tired of putting in all the effort, being ignored, slow responses, so I stopped initiating contact and they never bothered to reach out…and these are 8-10 year friendships from highschool to adulthood
Anxiety. Tired, unsure, lonely but not wanting to flake if you just can’t muster the energy tomorrow when it’s time to hang out… all symptoms of anxiety. At least that’s what’s going on with me. And my sincere gratitude to the friends who don’t give up on me.
I have friends I’ve known since preschool but we’re all married with multiple kids. Add work and other responsibilities, time is just limited and I see them probably a handful or two times a year.
I am in my late 20s but I get called out by my friends constantly for this. Here’s the truth, at least from my perspective.
I will respond when I feel like it. And I WILL eventually respond.. You are not annoying me by texting me, but I need a lot of time by myself and I’m not going to cut into that time by texting people.
If I were a barbarian 1000yrs ago and I wanted to not talk to people, I could go walk to a cliff or climb a big tree or some shit. That’s not really the case anymore because now that we have a phone in our pocket all the time, we are under the assumption that we are constantly available to talk. Even at our jobs, people often expect us to at least read their texts.
So, if I respond, then I am committing myself to a conversation of a duration that is likely to last longer than can predict or feel like having.
If I respond once and don’t commit to a possible conversation, that’ll likely be annoying and I’ll be perceived as an asshole. If I don’t respond at all in the first place… well at least you’ll give me the benefit of the doubt that I’m busy or something.
If I were to be straight forward and just say ‘sorry I don’t feel like talking, right now’ every time I felt that way, I guarantee you’ll either think I’m weird or take it personally. By ignoring you, at the very least we are not making things awkward for either of us lol.
Most guys in their 30’s are busy asf.
Families, work, stress, trying to fit in working out regularly, mental health/time to themselves, catching up on sleep, etc.
Life’s fucking tough in your 30’s.
The reason it’s important to get a significant other is because hanging out with buds even once a week would be great. That’s uncommon unless you work with your buds.
Just because you text me doesn’t mean I have to respond to you. On many evenings. I like to put the phone away and just spend time reading or with the family. If you want to make plans then put in the time to communicate well in advance.
At this point in my life, the kind of friends who feel like I must respond to them immediately or else I’m a bad friend I’ve pretty much let go for being immature, entitled and passive aggressive
If my friends expected instant communication at all times, then we wouldn’t be friends much longer, as we’d be very incompatible.
Even if my phone is near me, I’m not tethered to it. I have a partner and a kid, I have a job, hobbies, other friends, shit going on, and sometimes I just don’t WANT to answer immediately. I’m not always in the mood to talk.
If that means I’m incompatible as someone’s friend, so be it. We all have different needs.
ETA: I’m in a few group chats with friends and people around my neighborhood, and sometimes I mute the chat. We all do. There’s no real expectation that everyone is immediately available at all times.
I always reply immediately and most of my friends do too. Occasionally they take a few hours but that’s always when they’re busy
I take forever to respond to messages. It has nothing to do with whoever is messing me (most of the time) and everything to do with how much emotional energy and time I have. Sometimes the response I want to give is long but I’m busy or distracted or not feeling good with words. Other times I’m too tired or need to relax or eat after a long day. I also open them then completely forget and suddenly remember a week later. What I like about text is I can get to it when I get to it. It’s not going anywhere. Don’t take it personally. No one owes you an immediate response.