I’m a Canadian man and she’s from Kenya. I knew she was a Christian, but I guess never really spoke about it very much. She doesn’t go to church, we do have sex, and there’s nothing else she does that would make you believe she’s christian. My parents are religious, so it didn’t bother me and I didn’t think much of it. I was taught that there can be higher beliefs that don’t contradict science and I’m cool with that.
She told me last night she believes the bible. I was incredulous. Such a smart, world travelled woman couldn’t possibly believe the world is ~3000 years old. I asked her if she thought we came from Adam and Eve and she said yes. I asked her if she thought some guy could put together a wooden ship so large it could house 2 of every animal on the planet. She said yes.
I was shocked, and I still am. It got a little heated and I straight up asked her to leave. We were drunk, so she asked if we could just go to bed and talk about it in the morning.
I couldn’t sleep, and I’ve been chilling on the couch with my cat just thinking about it. Is it possible to be with someone with such wild beliefs? I honestly don’t think so. She kept asking why it’s difficult to just let someone have their beliefs, but I’d say science is not a belief.
I really like this girl. She’s hard working, kind, beautiful, fun and genuine in ways that make me so happy. But I would literally be embarrassed to tell people that she thinks that. What would we tell our potential child? I obviously can’t and won’t ask her to change her beliefs, and I can only stretch my understanding so far before it becomes complete lunacy.
Do any of you have a partner with beliefs so different than yours? If so, how do you make that work?
44 comments
I don’t think you can be in a successful relationship with someone whose beliefs you hold in contempt. Seeing things differently is one thing but this is another.
One of my ex’s was basically this exact same thing. Our relationship was amazing, but I am not religious and she very much was. When we started talking about marriage, she couldnt accept the possibility that we would have kids where we gave them the option to believe whatever they wanted and instead wanted to teach them scripture and have them do bible studies etc. We ended it there. Not saying your girl is going to be that pushy, but you should simply ask her what she envisions her future kids being taught. Teach them about religion as well as opposing opinions, expose them to each and let them choose for themselves, or completely envelope them in the fellowship? If you both cant agree on how you want to raise them, its probably not going to be very productive.
>”Do any of you have a partner with beliefs so different than yours? If so, how do you make that work?”
Not beliefs of that magnitude. I do not know how I could ever share my life with someone who thought like that.
I dont think you can, or should try to, make this work. Your beliefs are just so entirely different that you’re simply incompatible.
Sorry but anyone who believes ALL of the bible is not someone who has a logical mind and therefore is not someone I would want to be with
I think, unfortunately you two are incompatible on a fundamental level. You’ll always have to worry if she’d teach your kid her beliefs. And while she can have her beliefs and you can have yours, there’s no way you two won’t resent each other over what to teach or not teach your kids. I don’t think people can compromise on a belief they hold on such a level.
People here are cowboys with an easy gun, plastering their “break-up” as the be-all, end-all solution to every minor obstacle people face in their relationships. I say this is still fresh, and it looks like a big issue right now when it might not be so.
Sleep on it for a while. Sounds like bad advice, but if you love everything about her minus some abstract beliefs on how the universe operates, you should wait and see how the knowledge of this impacts you both over time. Talk about it with her many, many more times. And THEN decide. People disagree on many things, but values matter more than anything else. Your friends and colleagues can dislike your partner for reasons beyond your control, and I say “fuck them” is the best solution to that.
You don’t meet someone like this every single time. You might even find someone whose ideas of the world align 100% with your own, and your friends think she’s the most badass woman on earth, only to find out over time that she’s a cheater, a liar, and a dishonest person.
I say sleep on it. Keep bringing this up over time. You’ll see how you feel about it long term, and you’ll get to know what she thinks of it long-term.
So if what she believes does not affect the way she behaves in any way, why does it bother you?
You don’t respect her opinion.
The thing about a healthy relationship is that you respect their differences.
You’re embarrassed of her differences. It doesn’t matter if she believes the bible, it doesn’t affect anyone but her.
That would be a deal-breaker for me. Some people can handle the cognitive dissonance or put it on the back burner, but that’s honestly pretty rare.
100% agree that science isn’t a “belief.”
You could discuss the big topics now.
– marriage (whether she expects you to convert for marriage)
– children (their sexualities, how they are to be raised, if she expects them to remain celibate until marriage)
– her stance on the roles of a person in a relationship
– her stance on the minorities in sexuality and gender
– her stance on abortion and adoption
You could also ask her why she wholeheartedly believes in the Bible but does not practice it. If you could learn her motivation you might understand her beliefs better.
Edit to add:
You also need to discuss boundaries. What if she starts practicing? How will your relationship be affected and the raising of your children (if they exist at that time)?
What I would worry about is what those beliefs entail for real world life stuff. If you have a child is she going to be against vaccines or any other medical treatments? Basically what will these beliefs mean when you’re faced with certain situations together.
Allow me to speak as a Kenyan who grew up in Kenya. These are likely very deep and entrenched beliefs.
In my (liberal Anglican, but considered “heathen”, lol) family, we think of most Kenyans as fundamentalist Christians. Televangelism and charismatic Christianity has taken root there and is only now *beginning* to be questioned.
Basically, if you’re pro-choice, Catholic, support gay rights, do not believe that being transsexual is a “choice”, a Free Mason, do not speak in tongues, etc., you’re a “devil worshipper”. Ask your girlfriend if she was in Christian Union (or CU) in school. If she says yes, this is likely what she was indoctrinated with.
I would suggest, if you see this relationship lasting a long time, that you think about what really matters to you and what your fundamental beliefs are. Discuss them with your girlfriend. Hopefully you can find a way for your values to align.
From what you say she’s a lovely person (as Kenyans tend to be!) just with different beliefs from you. I hope you are each able to find happiness and peace within what you each believe in and value.
I thought it was 6000. But ive never read a single page. Doesn’t sound like you’re compatible
I’m a southern California liberal Jew. My partner is a southern Baptist from Mississippi who is conservative. He literally believes the Bible, and is very devout. I believe the Bible is stories of his to live our lives and is the morals of the stories we are supposed to take to heart. Like Jonah. I don’t think you can live in a fish. But I believe the point of the story that my people have been telling thousands of years, that no matter where you go, even at the bottom of the ocean you can’t hide from G-d. I’m also devout, i go to temple, i keep kosher. We both have very strong faith. It’s not easy. In fact it’s hard. But I respect his beliefs and he respects mine and neither of us try to change the other one. If anything through our talks we’ve both learned so much and can really see the other side of things. Being with him, has made my faith stronger. The real issue is you don’t respect her beliefs, and that’s OK, you don’t have to, but that means it’s not going to work. My partner and I have our kids already from other relationships, and flat out of we were to have kids together or would not work because of these differences. I don’t stop him from letting my kids know his beliefs, but I am the one who guides them for the most part. You don’t have to believe what she does, but the fact that it angers you and you see it as stupid, no, it won’t work.
I think I would’ve reacted the same way as you. I’m not religious and I’ve grown up in one of the most secular countries in the world, and I’ll be honest — I probably couldn’t even date someone who was like Religious Light(tm). And to find out someone I’s been seeing was just a full on bible-believer, yeah, I’d quite frankly be unsettled and very uncomfortable. As amazing as she sounds, that’s a difficult hurdle to get over.
Look, I’m agnostic but you’re being condescending and nothing gives you the right to think less of her for being Christian if she’s not pushing her religion down your throat. If anything, you’re the one pushing your beliefs into her.
Once I was having a discussion with a relative. They told me we were all related by way of the Adam and Eve. I realized there was no more discussion. You can’t argue with people who have these beliefs
People like to think that literally believing the Bible is just a self contained harmless quirk. But having fundamentalist beliefs like this usually brings with it other wacky beliefs that create real world problems. Like vaccines being the mark of Satan. Abortion should be illegal. Astrology actually works and is witchcraft. Forgoing certain medical treatments because god is supposed to provide. Mental illness is really demonic possession and psychology/psychiatry doesn’t work. Lots of other things that are needlessly damaging.
It’s up to you if you want to respect these ancillary beliefs that will no doubt cause friction in your everyday life since you’ll be sharing it with her. What if she thinks certain types of music or dancing is satanic? If you enjoy those things would you give them up for her?
I don’t think this is a simple case of “we just believe different things”. You call her beliefs ridiculous, embarrassing, etc. If you feel that much contempt for them I think it’s best you just end the relationship for both your sakes.
Maybe your beliefs are wild to her. She’s not holding it against you. The fact that your are disgusted and angry about it shows you aren’t compatible. Let her find someone else who respects her and you find someone you respect.
That is a fundamental difference I could not ignore. I couldn’t be in that relationship
I dated a girl in college for ~4 years who held those beliefs because she came from a homeschooled evangelical Christian background. Her beliefs couldn’t have been farther from mine, and yet we fell for each other partially because we both had a shared interest in religion and philosophy. I was in a similar boat to you in that I loved her in every other way aside from disagreeing with her extreme beliefs, and so I was willing to try to make it work. To make a long story short, she ended up abandoning her beliefs after many long conversations with me and after learning more about science and religion in college. So, it could be worth seeing if she is willing to talk about/discuss it. In my ex-girlfriend’s case, she had been extremely sheltered and so experienced a huge shift in her views when she got access to a normal college education. She was also a rare person who was super interested in these issues and enjoyed discussing them. I have no idea if the relationship would have worked long term if she had never shifted any of her beliefs, but it likely would have been hard. Personally, I’d find an unwillingness to discuss/change one’s beliefs to be a sign of a closed mind and so unattractive (in both directions! I changed many of my views due to her influence). If I were you I’d broach the topic with her and probe to see if these views might change, because usually people who believe this stuff are not entirely to blame for it, often from very sheltered backgrounds.
As far as your relationship goes, politics and religion are *massive* dealbreakers for many people. Not aligning on these can be very toxic and draining so I’m sorry but you’ll have to talk to her again and if she’s adamant about these beliefs then it is likely over.
As for her beliefs tho, I’m with you. I can’t fully respect beliefs that contradict known science. Call me an asshole but I think it’s dumb as hell. If you want to say a man in the sky created the universe a long time ago, go for it, I can’t tell you you’re wrong. But if you say we were dropped on this earth as-is 3000 years ago and that’s when the universe started then you’re just bat shit crazy. And then if you say “well it’s part of believing, god needs you to trust him” etc etc I just run for the hills bc that is cult talk. “Trust me and only me it’s all a test if you don’t believe my BS then you’ll burn in hell” is grade A cult talk but since it comes from an old book and grandma believes it we trust it.
It sounds like you don’t have any respect for her beliefs. Or anyone who thinks differently than you. That’s not very tolerant.
As a Bible believing Christian, do you find it interesting she is tolerant of you?
I think the best thing to do is search within and discover why you are looking for someone who matches your exact beliefs.
I have spiritual beliefs not everyone aligns with. But I’m always open to accepting what people do believe.
My husband is atheist while I consider myself a non-denominational Christian. We’re both pretty laid back in terms of personality but we also have a healthy dose of respect for each other’s viewpoints. When we do have serious conversations about religion (not often, but it does come up), we don’t treat it as a debate or something to “win.”
I obviously don’t know everything about your relationship with this woman, but I strongly suggest researching how to more effectively communicate with your partner if you do decide to continue dating her. It’s fine (healthy, even) to engage her in conversations about religion, but effective communication skills will allow you to have these conversations in such a way as allow you to avoid coming off as condescending and pushing her away as a result. Think of it this way: you wouldn’t be comfortable if she tried converting you, so why wouldn’t it be the same for her?
What are you doing with someone like that?? Please get out of there as soon as you can, queen you deserve better!!
Yeah I’m talking to her. She’s free to choose her religion.
I don’t think she really believes the bible in it’s entirety. If she did, then she wouldn’t be having premarital sex and getting drunk. And I’m not saying this in a judgemental way, I mean that’s literally a part of the bible’s teachings among other things. So something is missing here. Either she doesn’t actually believe it and she was just on a drunk tangent. Or she does and she’s going against her own convictions, which is also concerning cause that would mean a part of her is not ok with her lifestyle and it’ll come to a head eventually.
Honestly, she was drunk. Maybe she doesn’t actually believe 100% everything in it and was just being drunk. Before you make any big decision, I’d suggest just having this conversation with sober her. Ask her what she truly believes in. If your beliefs indeed differ too much and it’s an issue, break up.
If ur that serious about not wanting to be with a Christian then don’t be with one.
The main question here is: “Is this a dealbreaker for you?” There are plenty of relationships between people of different faiths that somehow work. Love can cover a lot. That said, if you can’t respect her worldview, then yeah, you should definitely break up because this will only end in arguments and heartache.
Nope. You guys are not compatible unfortunately…
Ok dude, you need to be open to other people’s beliefs. As a Christian who is also very into Science and who also basically has a background in social work, you can believe in the Bible and believe in God and Jesus and all that AND be a great person. Geez. What did you think being a Christian was lol. Christians follow Christ and his teachings lol. And you can just ask her which teachings if you’re so incredulous and make a decision about compatibility from there.
If you can’t respect her beliefs you need to let her go. She has somehow respected your “backwards” beliefs.
> Is it possible to be with someone with such wild beliefs? I honestly don’t think so.
You answered it yourself, this seems like a dealbreaker for you. Having different religious beliefs can work out, but there comes a point where you are both on too opposite of ends for it to be maintainable. This would be a dealbreaker for me too.
I don’t think a relationship can withstand a lack of respect.
Also, I know what you/she means when she says she believes all of the Bible. But this is not actually possible. Everybody has to pick and choose what they believe from the Bible because it is full of contradictions. Besides the contradictions, there are things that she obviously does not believe: does she practice stoning adulterers? She might say that she can’t because that would be murder but she could do something like throw little pebbles at people. Lol. Does she do that?
There is a great book where the author tries to follow the Bible and found out that it cannot be done. Though he did throw pebbles at some people in a rather humorous attempt to fulfill the order of stoning. i can’t remember the name of the book, but maybe someone reading here will recognize its description and give the name of it. It was a bestseller, I think, not an obscure book.
Edit the book is The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
For one, I think everyone’s entitled to their own beliefs, no matter how absurd they may sound to you.
However, bashing someone’s intellect based on their belief is a dickhead move, and this confirms it:
“I straight up asked her to leave.”
All in all, you guys should not be together – you’ll end up despising her, and she deserves someone better who shares or at least supports her beliefs.
Imo, u can be incredibly educated, a great scientist but still believe in religion. If it’s not impacting your everyday relationship, I don’t think it’s an issue. It seems like it’s really bothering you tho. If you think it makes her dumb then leave. Personally, I’d find vastly differing political beliefs more distasteful than someone’s belief in religion bc it applies to real life. Sounds like you don’t want to be with a spiritual person. I’m not religious but I believe in the pillars of Islam morally (I believe in the spiritual aspects but don’t really pray and barely go to mosque and drink and have sex) but I also pride myself in being a scientist. It’s not something I spout and I don’t view anyone differently based on their religion or religious views. Now I’m scared ppl feel this way about me lol. Also why would u ever have to tell anyone she believes that, so how would this embarrass YOU? You seem embarassed of HER. She was also drunk, if she hasn’t read every word of the Bible, I doubt she believes all of it. Maybe just stories that are also emphasized due to culture sometimes. It’s also pretty ignorant to get so angry at someone’s harmless beliefs that u try to kick them out. Very surprised at other comments on here.
I can’t believe you tried to kick your drunk girlfriend out of your house in the middle of the night because she believes in the bible. Just… what the fuck? Not only do you look down on her for having different views, but you don’t understand how afraid a woman would feel having to unexpectedly get home alone drunk in the middle of the night. This has probably shaken her faith and trust in you to the core.
If this was AITA you’d get a solid YTA.
Coming from a fellow person who is not religious, you tried to kick her out while drunk and vulnerable over THIS? I’d hate to see how you react when something difficult or stressful happens.
Wow you sound like a judgemental jerk. I’m an atheist but I can respect other’s beliefs. Do her a favor and break up
I think you should breakup because she deserves better. If you can’t respect her beliefs that are important to her and thinks she’s an idiot or beneath you because of it just leave.
Differences is beliefs are only important if they manifest as conflicts to your lifestyle. Is this likely to impact how you live? I think you should have a conversation about what this actually changes. You’ve dated for a while and it’s not created any friction. Explore the problems it might cause, and decide if that’s a relationship you want to be in for the long term.
Your reaction is a bit dramatic tbh, it’s to be expected from a Christian to believe in the Bible. It’s ok to have different beliefs but please sort this out in a respectful manner, don’t harshly ask her to leave