25. I have sister friends made from high school, college and work.
I just don’t know how to go into a relationship. Maybe I am a late bloomer? I just never gave a relationship any importance until I was finished with my studies in 2020.
I treat every girl like an acquaintance. I spend a lot of time reading at the bookstore. It’s my only hobby. Sometimes I see an attractive girl but I’m afraid to approach them. It’s not that I’m afraid of rejection. I don’t want to bother them or make it seem weird that I am hitting on them. I am also afraid of being lead on or someone who cheats.
How do you even show interest? I’m afraid of touching a girl too which is the way to express interest right?
47 comments
Get more social hobbies.
In order I’ve met the most people off online dating, a decent number from in-person encounters. I’ve actually turned down a decent number from my social circles (I don’t date inside my social circles or at work at all).
For the in-person stuff its always been the women giving green light signals. Usually by looking and me and smiling constantly or finding a reason to strike up a conversation. Basically when I notice “wow that one seems very preoccupied with me” I’ll usually say hi and see what happens. They’ll put effort into engaging back if they are interested.
Just talk to them.
an older and much wiser gentleman gave me this piece of advice when I was younger. He said: “If you want to meet someone that is interesting…….you have to be interesting.” Why would a person with varied interests, goals and pursuits in life, be interested in someone that is boring and does nothing but goes to school/work and comes home.
Met the girl I’m currently talking to because I work with one of her friends and we went out for drinks. She thought her friend would like me and gave her my snapchat. We’ve hit it off so far. Other than an age gap there’s been no real red flags yet.
Last few before that were all from dating apps usually tinder or Facebook dating tbh. I live in a small town so without them my choices are limited
Are you any good at making new friends? It’s the same thing. If someone piques your interest, go talk to her. If she doesn’t want to talk, then you can’t make her.
It’s generally a better idea to find *roles* to fit *people* in your life, rather than to search for *people* to fit the *roles* you want to fill. Get to know people, actually pay attention to who they are. Then you can decide based on what you know, what kind of relationship you want with them. If you just grab someone to fill a role because you want the role to be filled, you’re just using her, and probably won’t pay attention to who she is, but only to how well she is doing at filling the role the way you want her to.
As for the cheating risk, let people earn your trust over time. And it’s always a possibility. It’s just one of the risks you take when opening yourself to a relationship. The solution is not to prevent your getting cheated on. The solution is to become a person with enough fortitude to emotionally survive it if it does happen, and to boldly take that risk in order to try to get the reward of a great relationship. If the best relationship you can imagine isn’t worth the risk of that being destroyed by infidelity, then don’t date/marry.
join a book club with young ppl. and if you’re interested make it clear it’s romantic, ask them out on a date (use the word date).
I’d try Bumble if you havent already, if you both match its the girl’s responsibility to make the first move so atleast you dont feel like you are pressuring them when they are not interested
If you’re looking for something short-term, try your hand at online dating where feelings and self-respect are fleeting. If people with the attention span of a chimp are your thing, it’s a match made in heaven. Now if you’re looking for a life partner, you’re better off finding them traditionally. Join social circles that match your interests or hobbies. Frequent establishments that may contain the personality type you would want in a partner. Don’t expect to find a life partner in a nightclub. Better yet, broaden your search. If western women ain’t your thing, try your hand in the east. Don’t hole yourself in a puddle when you’ve got a whole ocean to traverse from.
Last thing, don’t compromise on non-negotiables. Have a backbone. You’ll be setting yourself up for failure if you compromise on something that really bothers you.
Dude, you just have to take the plunge. It’s like fishing
You don’t.
This is new million dollar question.
you kids have it easy now with dating apps. i mean, a lot might disagree, it’s still a crapshoot and not a magic bullet. but still, being able to find people who are looking for some sort of relationship virtually any time and place… that’s amazing!
i think it’s a classic case of lack of confidence, OP. we’ve all been there. you’ve made friends so it’s not like you’re totally lost as to how to interact with people. you need to loosen up, take it down a notch, dont be so serious! women are looking for the same things we are. have fun with it: be friends with them, ask people out, do things with them, and if it turns into something serious then great, if not, then you won’t have to beat yourself up for not trying.
Instead of looking at other people for someone who you find worthy of your attention and affection why not put your energy into being a nice person and then being an even better one. If you’re actually a decent person with integrity and character you’ll find that you won’t be looking at other people because they will be attracted to the best you that you can be.
Going out and judging people as good enough for you to find attractive, makes you a bit of a dick.
People gravitate naturally towards other decent people, and all that you have to do is not be a prick. Who knew..??
Beating them off with a stick.
I saw this in a documentary about famous psychologists. Guy was like you and decided to fix himself. He went to a park and asked women out on a date until one said yes after 50 no’s.
>I treat every girl like an acquaintance. I spend a lot of time reading at the bookstore. It’s my only hobby. Sometimes I see an attractive girl but I’m afraid to approach them. It’s not that I’m afraid of rejection. I don’t want to bother them or make it seem weird that I am hitting on them. I am also afraid of being lead on or someone who cheats.
Lets break this down a bit.
Making friends or getting into a relation ship requires time and effort being put into being around people and interacting with them. If your at all socially outgoing, then being in school is great for this. You are surrounded by social peers, you all share the same schedule, you have almost no demands on your time or attention. And the worst you face for socializing instead of doing schoolwork is a bad grade and unhappy teacher. As an adult, not everyone in your workplace is a peer, you no longer have the same schedule as your friends. And you have responsibilities to meet, and dicking around at work to socialize can get you fired.
The point is that you are not going to meet anyone while reading a book. Life is not a sitcom where you will bump into someone at a library or book store, start off a conversation, and find yourself in a relationship.
Bottom line, you need to put yourself in situations where it is appropriate to approach a woman and put yourself at risk of being rejected. Online dating is good in that there is no social cost to rejection, but you will face a very high rate of rejection. If that is not your thing, then you need to do something where you will have the opportunity to interact with women, and then actually put in the effort to do so.
Now, being an adult, you have certainly noticed that some people suck. It is very possible you might meet someone who will lead you on or cheat on you. Essentially, that is a risk you have to take. You need to have some self respect and don’t accept being treated like shit. Remember, rejection is a two way street. If you realize the girl your hitting on is a shitty person, walk reject them.
END COMMUNICATION
I really wanted to make the question as OP because i feel the same thing: treat every woman as an acquaintance, don’t bother them, don’t hit on them unless i’m 110% sure she’s not gonna get mad for it and when i do, i realize they already have a relationship with somebody else. And also, i fear rejection.
I stopped doing this and now i think dating apps are the only place i can be sure people aren’t taken. It’s pretty far from the ideal place to meet people but, people as me, who work from home, have individual hobbies and do individual sports, doesn’t have another choice.
People still find partners these days?
The person with whom I mostly recently had an intimate encounter – our first date was probably some time in 2017 or maybe even 2016. “It’s been a slow burn” as she put it (lightly, lol).
I’m much older but I feel similar to you, not wanting to bother anyone or make anyone uncomfortable, not wanting to engage with someone who’s going to end up being emotionally bad for me in some way.
I will say that I think you do well to treat each one as an acquaintance – I think it’s good to be open to just making new friends or whatever kind of energy it will be organically. We often say that adults or even specifically men have difficult making new friends – so, consider that rather than someone being “just friends” it can actually be a big positive to have people end up as friends. And once in a while there may be mutual enthusiasm about the possibility to take it further.
If you live in the suburbs it’s pretty much impossible without dating apps these days. You could try hosting BBQs and such and encourage people to bring friends to grow your social circle, though. That worked for me after college, but ultimately I met my partner on an app.
No idea, I only have 3 hours of the day to myself rofl. Rest is work.
you will meet someone, they will ask about your interests, and you’re going to say, “I go to the book store to read books.”
and they are going to say, “and what else?”
then what are you going to say?
Get a hobby you like that forces you to interact with other people and then you will meet girls.
Example I love kayaking and own my own kayak but I started doing kayak tours to see more places. While doing this I met alot of girls on these tours and went on a few dates with some of them.
If you meet a girl at a hobby you love you already off to the good start of having something in common you can do together.
I’ve always taken the forward and simply asked.
If they say no, you move on to the next one but not in a douchie way. It’s all about numbers. Don’t let one refusal get you down. Don’t even feel bad about the public approach.
I used to start conversations with ladies on the metro and get numbers, simply by asking if they didn’t mind a little conversation instead of looking at a phone for the duration of their trip.
Sometimes it was short lived, sometimes the travel distance was enough to get to know person a bit. I would always ask where if they were getting off soon, to know if there was at least enough time.
Being introverted it take every once of energy to go against my natural way of thinking, but the great thing about being introverted is that if you find a nice conversational vibe… you easily settle in, if not… it’s lot of sounding awkward and you can feel the fail…. and you desire to crawl into a new whole.
But the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the benefit of talking to random ladies, is that you have stuff that you can carry over from previous conversations more often then not.
You would be surprised how many times I meet gamer girls or comic book girls and some are so cool! Continuing the conversations later from a webcam is always better then the dreaded texting… because some people get the wrong idea and reads texts… in a different context then what you may have sent.
So with all that, you get to augment your social skills, your knowledge and your confidence.
Again, I’m not the world best looker, I have some extra meat on the bones, but a nice warm smile and some jokes (built up from previous conversations) goes a long way.
I sometimes end up reading books of the people I see on the metro, and bring those things up as well with other people… and quite often, they have already read those same books too!
Anyways, just wanted to put it out there for you, it’s easier to try with someone you’ve known for a short period of time versus someone you’ve become attached to from prolonged exposure. PLUS… if or when you see these people on the metro or bus again or simply in public, you can always wave to them if you’ve has good conversations!
Makes it feel like everyone knows you and the outside world feels less isolating too.
Special note:
Some people use their instgrams as a means of exchanging contacts now, so don’t be afraid to make an account and fill it random pictures of your cat or dog. They like that very much. lol
I would suggest you find another hobby, not ditch your current one but I found women tend to be more attracted to “interesting” men.
I mean, there’s an old phrase that goes something like “you can do anything to a woman, Just Don’t Bore Her”, plus the more things you do, the more people you tend to meet with.
For the main question you need to get out and have ways to meet people beyond reading at a bookstore. That’s definitely not the way to find a partner. Find more social hobbies, join activities nearby, worst case go to bars. I met my wife playing trampoline volleyball. You have to get out and be social to meet people.
For the rest, you seem to have a weird hang up around women that you need to get over. Going in to a relationship already being afraid of being led on or cheated on is a recipe for disaster. Most women are normal people who also want a healthy relationship and it will likely be fine. Shit happens, but if you go in to a relationship expecting it then it will also be worse.
Also you don’t have to have physical contact to show interest. Talking works perfectly fine, and is probably better. Once you’re dating there will be touching obviously, but there’s no need for it before that. And again, being afraid of touching is not a healthy mindset to be in when looking for someone to date.
You just have to get over your fear of rejection, because it will happen 10-100x more often than not. I read somewhere earlier this week that someone decided they would make it a goal to “shoot a shot” up to 10 times in one night, EXPECTING rejection, but still approaching it like they were hoping for success. As you get rejected over and over, you kind of get desensitized and as a result you become more comfortable after each failed attempt.
Before you make a move, try to see if there’s repeat eye contact. That is, you make eye contact, and then if a few minutes, you catch them looking at you again, there’s a great sign of potential interest. Some ideas for the library approach:
– write a little paper note along the lines of “Sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re cute. How’s the book?”
– walk up to them and compliment their clothing, or their jewelry, don’t go for body parts because that’s a little creepy for the first compliment/thing for you to say to them
You can try online dating but it’s a crapshoot of superficial lameness and I’d say avoid that if you can.
Met my wife through mutual friends who invited us on a road trip to Yellowstone with about 18 people. Completely unexpected, and I wasn’t really looking for a relationship out of it. I think sometimes you just have to go with the flow and people will come into your life when you need them. It gets tough when you are really looking and almost forcing things (been there, done that, it sucks). Let it come naturally!
Hit the club
Like how the top comment said, if you were a girl, would you date your current self? If not, then become better and more interesting as a human, then look back on that question. If it is a yes then by all means get out there.
Somewhere in a conversation casual or otherwise with the young lady you might want to drop in one of these three compliments just to start the ball rolling. Complement number: Love your hair. Compliment number 2: Nice shoes. Compliment number three. You smell nice. Don’t do the smell nice one unless you’re sitting beside her where you can easily get a width of any perfume or since she might be carrying. These compliments tell her that you’re actually paying attention to the things she wears and how she carries herself and keeps herself which tell her that you’re interested. If she’s interested she’ll let you know likely with another compliment. Best of luck to you.
> It’s not that I’m afraid of rejection.
“I don’t want to bother them,” etc. are all stories your brain makes up to protect your ego because you are in denial about being afraid of rejection.
If you are interested in a girl, state your interest! There is absolutely no shame about it. You are not going anywhere without being bold. Statements can be “I like you, let’s go on a date” or some flirtatious touching.
One thing that might help is to identify your thought patterns and beliefs. Then challenge them by taking action to prove to yourself that you’re wrong. Why are you afraid of touching? Why do you think approaching is weird? Why do you treat every girl like a friend? Take it slow and let everything sink in. Change doesn’t come instantly. It takes months if not years.
Finally, being rejected is not a failure. It just helps you figure out whether or not someone is a potential match for you.
Get an online dating profile? Go to a nice bar on Saturday night and have a drink that you nurse. There might be a woman there alone. If the woman is there by themselves tell the bartender that the next drink is on you. They will give the woman the drink and the bartender will say that guy bought you a drink. She is going to look over your way and if she is polite she will say thanks to you directly. Then you walk over to her and sit down and say your welcome and then you ask What brings you out tonight? and She will be like, “I’m waiting for my friends/or boyfriend” then thats your cue to make an elegant exit and leave the bar. If she says, “I’m just trying to get out of the house” you say, “me too, can I keep you company? ” She will either say ok or no I just want to be alone today. If she says yes, then stay and talk to her, dont ask where she lives, don’t ask where she works. Just be like have you seen any good movies or tv shows? She will be like yeah I’ve seen X thing and if its something you know you say yeah me too! Dont give any spoilers or anything but keep the conversation going. As the night goes on keep buying drinks for her. Dont rush her but if you see her running empty ask her if she needs another round or water or soda.If she checks her phone a lot that is a bad sign and you can bail. If the conversation is flowing and you like the lady and a couple hours have passed ask hey are you hungry, and then you can walk to a food truck or cheap restaurant. and then after eating you ask to walk her to her car and then ask for her number and if you can see her again. She might say yes and she might say no but at least you had an interesting night.
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You can also go with a group of guys or a group of friends and you can ask a group of girls or a pair of girls to game of pool or a round of drinks and then you can try the same method above. Now there is no guarantee these techniques would work and the woman can just leave after you buy the first drink. She might even refuse the first drink!
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good luck and pm me if you try this
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this goes without saying but it also helps if you are in shape/good looking
Don’t feel bad brother. It’s just how the dynamics with women works these days. It can’t tell you why. I think feminism and the #metoo movement makes men weary of approaching. I rarely see women that have open body language or are smiling. They seem closed off and not very friendly. But it could be my physical appearance. I’m not that tall, handsome guy with the appearance of wealth and status that the dating sites stats tell us women want. That 20% of men that 80% of the women want. With Hypergamy being ever present. I suggest you work on you. Make yourself better everyday. Better mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually. The resources you sacrifice by doing this will not be wasted. The main thing is NEVER judge your self worth on whether you have a woman or if your good with women. Basically men display and women choose. Good Luck !!! Check out Rollo Tomassi’s book “The Rational Male”. It’s a must read for young men.
If you enjoy reading, then find friends who enjoy reading too. When you meet your soul mate, you’ll know.
Look. If you ask a girl and she says no, she’s not worth your energy. (Keep reading)
I’m not saying to ask every girl you see. That’s creepy. But if you have a friend that you like or feel something towards, just ask her out casually on like a low stakes date, like coffee or lunch. If she says no, you haven’t lost anything. Or if you ask a girl at the bookstore, just make it low pressure and chill. That way you can be yourself and if she doesn’t like it, you don’t have to meet again. If you guys hit it off, then you can set up a more formal date.
I think the most important part of a good relationship is actually being friends, not just the sexual attraction. Because the attraction fades over time, but friendship lasts a lot longer.
Online dating is a great way to meet lots of people
>I am also afraid of being lead on or someone who cheats.
All that time at the bookstore and can’t spell “led” correctly.
It makes zero sense to say you’re afraid to talk to girls but it’s not because you’re afraid of rejection. That’s exactly what it is. Theres literally no other reason to be afraid.
You said “I don’t want to bother them.” This implies you’re afraid that she’d perceive your approach to be bothersome. That is rejection my friend. If she finds you to be weird from you hitting on her and your approach fails, that is also rejection. YOURE AFRAID OF REJECTION. Quit lying to yourself. The first thing you should do is to realize a problem and accept it. After identifying it you could do something about it. If you continue lying to yourself about the problem not being something that it actually is. You could never fix it
Make lots and lots of platonic relationships and eventually someone will call you. Deborah really wants someone to take her to that art gallery or concert or churros.
Well I’m hoping in Poland but we’ll see
I’m tempted to say live your life without looking for somebody and you will meet them. In my experience if you’re actively trying you won’t.
Mind you. I’m middle aged and have been married for 17 years. That was before dating apps. So. YMMV
You just gotta sweep em off their feet. Everyone loves being swept up by the fires of love and passion… It’s only when you start to put them in the trunk that they freak out (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)
(this is a joke)
Yup we definitely in reddit
The best relationship is where you are dating your best friend or in another case someone who loves the stuff you love. Like reading, cooking, anime, video games, music. Whatever floats your boat, just roll with that. Easier said than done, but once you find that person, a relationship is no longer work, it’s a bonus for being yourself, by expressing it to others who might see the world the same way you do. Imagine that.
If you’re interested just go say hello. We live in a Western country where men and women are free to socialize with one another and are free to decline socializing with one another. We’re all grown ups with the basic social skills to self govern and communicate with one another. Women want to meet good men too. Like don’t be stupid about it and try to approach someone walking home at night or in a dark alleyway. Communal spaces like a rec center, bookstore, event, bar, festival, church, club, dog park ext are all appropriate places to make a connection. Saying hello isn’t being a “bother,” continuing to engage someone who’s expressed they aren’t interested is.
Kidnapping
/s
Part of the answer depends on where you are.
That said, south east Asia will usually be good for a man.