*for starters, we both met 2 years ago in new york. i was there for a vacation, while he was there visiting his friend. we met through a mutual friend but i had to go back to my home country a month after. we have a 12hr time difference and we’ve been together for a year and 3 months.*
i know that it’s hard to manage our time as we’re in different countries and we have different lives, but i just can’t help but notice the way he genuinely laughs harder and more with his friends (who he met online). additionally, he spends more time with them than he does with me (he usually spends time with them from 7pm until 5am in the morning in his time, while i get to be with him depending on the time he wakes up and the time i have to go to bed).
i try so hard to make him as happy with me as he is with his friends. i usually wake up earlier than usual so i can spend time with him more and i tried getting some games on steam that he plays with his friends but after 2 days we stopped playing because “he’s tired of it”. i plan game nights and movie nights but he gets bored and says that he just wants to talk. when i do ask him what he wants to do, he says he doesn’t know, but when i suggest something else to do, he says he doesn’t feel like doing that. i talked to him about this and his behaviour only improves for 5 days at most before he becomes distant again.
i suggested that we needed a break so i could work on myself and focus on studying for my college entrance exams, and we both agreed to do it by monday. so far, nothing changed. i thought that he would spend more time with me since we’re taking a break for a month, but he still spends more time with them than me. what can i do to improve our relationship?
tl;dr: my boyfriend of 1 year spends more time with his friends and genuinely enjoys their time more than he does with me. what can i do to improve?
1 comment
Well, suggesting you need a break as a way to make him chase you is not the answer. Distancing yourself when you already feel disconnected is not going to help.
The other point is to remember that maybe he values your time differently, but that doesn’t mean he values it less. Maybe he can talk to you and feel more comfortable and relaxed with you and with his friends he has to put out a lot of energy, for example.
I know in my relationship, my partner is a person I feel comfortable enough to decompress and do nothing with. Other friends are fun, but tiring, because I feel a need to entertain them all the time. Whereas my partner and I are close enough that we can literally sit in a room in silence and it’s still comfortable and nice. So just because he laughs more or expends more energy with them doesn’t mean he doesn’t value his time with you and if he says he just wants to talk, maybe it’s because he really enjoys talking to you.
Don’t compare yourself to his friends. But if you’re feeling like you don’t get enough time with him, you can tell him that. Just don’t make it about them or some sort of competition. Relationships are not supposed to feel like friendships. They’re supposed to be safer and more comfortable and closer. They’re supposed to be your person.