Men who have/had relationships with gaslighting. How was that? Can you share?

18 comments

  4. Her: I cheated on you because you werent making me feel like you were fully invested. I wanted to feel loved.

    Me: I wasn’t fully invested because within the first week, I caught you texting (flirting… One of them literally just sent her “sex?” out of the blue… So go figure on why he would randomly text her that at 8 at night) two other men…

  5. If you find my post on r/infidelity or r/survivinginfidelity other redditors believe I was gaslit. Never have been forever, strong chance they may very well be correct.

  6. My ex-wife has narcissistic personality disorder and was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship. The gaslighting was endless. Basically, I never felt heard or validated in a conflict. Even if the conflict arose because of something she did, I ended up feeling like the asshole. Eventually, you learn that it’s just better not to engage at all, and then they steamroll you and gradually erase your identity. Not a recommended experience, and I hope you’re not going through something similar.

  7. I noticed that it started by her lying about the most insignificant things, and then being willing to get into heated arguments to defend utter absurdities. If I had to explain it, it was like she would revisit a conversation or situation over and over in her head, playing it out the way she wanted it to have gone, and then taking that to be the events as they actually happened.

    From there, it would be insisting that I said or did things that I know for a fact that I didn’t. What was so “masterful” about it was how this behavior was *just insignificant enough* that I thought it best to just let it slide, rather than provoke a larger argument. Gaslighting only works when raising the stakes (by contradicting them) vastly outweighs just humoring them and moving on.

    Eventually, I got tired of that behavior and started fighting back — and eventually broke up with her. It was, to put it lightly, not a pretty breakup.

  8. It literally began making me start going insane. Even today I still grapple with reality as I see it and whether or not I was a bad boyfriend, even though I know I wasn’t.

    As other Redditors pointed out in this thread, it became easier to just let her vent and not argue, no matter how mundane or large the situation. This gradually resulted in me becoming a husk of my former self and losing my will to live.

    My ex has all the cluster-B personality disorders (which I didn’t figure out until after we broke up). It was awful. Everything was always my fault. My reality didn’t matter. She wouldn’t accept anything I had fault with regarding her but would be more than eager to tell me about every fault I had, and how her faults were my fault. It was my fault she cheated on me. It was my fault I caught her cheating. It was my fault she yelled at me. It was my fault she never cooked or cleaned (because I volunteered to cook and clean for her to make her day better…is somehow a bad thing?). It was my fault I ended up with a busted lip.

    What made it worse is I truly believe that she became delusional at some points and was having a completely different perception of reality or a personality “split.”

    Here’s an example:

    One night we watched this really cool video from a British television series on Youtube created by a specific guy. I have a vivid memory of it. Sitting on the couch, the time of day, the direction we were facing/sitting, how she smelled, what she was wearing, our conversation about it, afterwards, everything. Some months later I was thinking I’d like to watch it again with her, so I asked her if she’d like to watch it again.

    She gave me this inquisitive look and asked me “who?” I described the video to her and laughed. She started getting really sour with me and told me we never watched that, and that I must have seen it with some other woman before we met. I recalled the evening to her, pulled up the video and showed her, and she got increasingly angry, hostile, and belligerent, accusing me of mixing up my memories with her and some other woman. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.

    A few weeks later, not able to forget about this whole ordeal, I lightheartedly asked her if she would like to watch a video on Youtube and described the video as if she hadn’t seen it before.

    Her reply: “Oh you mean that episode by that British guy we watched a while back? I loved that video We should watch it again.”

  9. I had one that vehemently believed I suffered some kind of trauma as a kid that I was struggling with, but refused to tell her about. Whenever I disagreed with her, or said something she didn’t like, she would completely ignore anything I had to say and insist I tell her about my trauma because if we didn’t work through it, I would keep “acting out”, which I guess is code for not bending to her every whim.

    The weirdest thing is that I even told her about what would legitimately be considered a traumatic experience by most people, but she didn’t think that was enough because apparently I didn’t seem upset enough by it.

    Overall it was just baffling. I was more confused than upset by it.

  10. It took a long time to realize that she was was gaslighting. It took some time to work the courage to leave the relationship.

    Was worth it.

  11. There was only gaslighting at the very end when she basically mentally rewrote our history to make me at fault for our break up. And subsequently trying to convince me of my many faults and “toxic“ behavior rather than simply owning her portion and shitty decision to not give it to me the same considerations she demanded from me throughout our relationship. It hurt. It made me question many things about myself. It took the constant affirmations of my loved ones and friends to help me get past it. Still hurts though.

  13. Fucking hell. Dont even want to remember that shit and get involve again with that person. I also cut all of our common friends just to move on.

  14. An ex of mine was insanely flirty and touchy feely while out in public. She had also slept with 2 people in our friend group at the time. She was the person who gave me my sexual liberation so I was very much in LUST with her. But she made me feel like I was a total fucking idiot for being uncomfortable with her flirting and dancing with other people while out with me. She’d also basically rub my face in the fact that she had slept with people I knew before. Took me a long time to realise she was toxic AF. I dont actually hate her, and I wish her well, but she was too spoiled and attention seeking to be in a relationship at the time. I know where my boundaries are now at least

  15. Do we mean significant others, or any kind of relationship?

    My mother was an awful gaslighter. She’d rearrange silverware in the kitchen and other tools for cooking on a whim and then claim that they’d *always* been in that location.

  16. Just a night in an old cabin. It put off more heat than I expected, but it was cold out anyway.

    Now that I think of it. It was basically a lantern. Do lanterns count?

  18. Well, after it happened to me in multiple relationships I had to turn the focus inward.

    Most people only have it happen to them once or twice but for everyone else (like me) who keeps finding themselves in relationship after relationship with women who do this, it becomes apparent that I’m the problem.

    WAIT! Do not assume I’m blaming myself for being treated like that. Their behavior was gross as fuck and I will make it clear that I didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

    What I’m saying is….THE PROBLEM IS ME!!!! I have to take full responsibility by not looking at their poor behavior but looking at mine. Which is…. (drum roll) …

    Not taking responsibility for being attracted to and inviting these women into my life! IT’S ALL ON FUCKING ME! No!!!!! There’s no such thing as good liars or manipulators! That’s BULLSHIT! There’s only people who don’t have the skills to spot the lies and manipulation immediately and there’s also people who do spot it but refuse to see it on the surface because they have low self esteem and feel subconsciously that they deserve to end up with assholes. I’m a little of both!

    I invited them into my life by subconsciously ignoring the red flags very early on and those red flags are ALWAYS there!!!!!!!!! Every time!

    I also don’t feel I’m any different than anyone else who constantly end up with the same type of person. If you’re always finding yourself in this place….maybe it’s time you look at yourself and not them! Their behavior is easier to focus on because it’s wrong. It allows you to be self-righteous and that leads you to not have to look at your own bullshit.

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