I want a divorce but I feel stuck

As the title reads. I (32 f) want a divorce from my husband (32 m). We have 4 children from previous relationships. 3 are mine, 1 is his. We do NOT have any together and for good reason. This is hard to say and it breaks my heart and I know that God does not like divorce but I am tired of being miserable. We have been together 6 years, married for 4. I love my husband so much and I feel like I need him but I have never been so riddled with insecurities, anxiety, depression, self hatred, doubt, fear and many more negative feelings as I have in this relationship. He came to me like a knight in shining armor after a very bad relationship with a narcissist who cheated on me all the time. So I was already starting off pretty low. I have gotten encouragement at church and now I am getting counseling. I am neglected for porn addiction after so many promises to stop, and on one of the many times I caught him and confronted him about it, he said it was my fault because I let myself go and I did not do it for him.. I found teenage porn, grandma porn, celebrities naked leaks, everything perverted you can think of, 5 to 10 times a day every single day, even on special dates, even going on girls only fans that we personally know and had the nerve to say it was because they were attractive, meanwhile he hadn’t touched me in months. He has also searched girls on social media and messaged his exes before. He deletes and hides activity. The only social media I have is reddit because I feel like all other ones are toxic and I would rather spend time with my family meanwhile he would rather spend all his time staring in his phone tuning his whole family out. He withholds affection and attention. He says he doesnt like being touched. I have never been complimented once. He never gives me credit for anything I do or achieve. He has literally said the words “men are superior and women need to know their place”. I have started to believe I am ugly and worthless. I am called names like dumb bitch and stupid and retarded which he has also called the children when they make mistakes. He has told me that no one else would ever want me or my kids. He said if it wasn’t for us he would be rich but he only pays the rent and electricity. I never ask him for any money. I pay the phone bill, internet, and fill the house with groceries for a family of 5, sometimes 6. If he does buy food it is for himself only and he will hide it from us and prepare a dinner for one and sometimes will bring fast food home for just himself. He makes $1600 per week and I make $500 per week. He bought a dog and another dog and another dog, none of them which he takes care of, I had to buy the electric fencing system for them all, I buy their food, I pay for their vet visits and registration. He has bought 3 motorcycles, a boat, a camper, a minibike, all things the kids and I did not ask for so I don’t understand how we make him “not rich”. He has isolated me from all of my friends because he finds flaws in them all and he also complains about my family. He thinks me and my friends and family are all awful garbage people. He uses my past jobs and relationships against me, to belittle me, he uses things I have confided in him as weapons against me. He uses the fact that i was on government assistance in my past against me when I was a struggling single mom. My mom has mental illness and he calls me her name all the time. He had a drinking problem that led him to get a DUI, break my things on multiple occasions and also to be physically abusive so he quit when I threatened to leave if he did not quit because I refused for my children to be exposed to that and he has not been physically abusive since he quit. However he still does yell and cuss at me and the children. He does not help around the house, he said that is my job because he works all day, but I also work, I clean houses, nanny, and work at our church and then I come home and take care of the house and kids and pets on my own. I serve at our church on Sundays after service and I’m in a group on Thursday nights and I have tried to encourage him to do the same but he wants no part of it, he says he doesnt want to spend all his time at church, he would rather hop around at bars with his motorcycle club every weekend and some week nights. He takes stabs at me for not being the perfect christian. He has told me he hated me and did not want me before, he did not even want to see me from the corner of his eye. I will apologize for my mood swings around my period or if I act out of character, I will apologize for being insecure or getting too upset about something and not going about it the correct way. He always tells me that my apologies are fake especially when I confront him about something else that he did that bothers me. Then my apologies are no longer valid because now I’m upset at him for doing something wrong so how could they even be real? Because I am not acting apologetic.. he has a problem snoring very badly at night but told me that I needed to get earplugs because he can’t hear himself snore and it’s not his problem, if it bothers me it is my problem and I need to figure it out. He is allowed to be mad at me for everything but I am not allowed to be upset at him for anything. I have been sick with two different variants of coronavirus and neither time did he show me and sympathy or help me in any way. He made me go to work and continue daily life as if I did not feel horrible. When he was sick I took care of him and he stayed home in bed. When I mentioned getting encouragement and counseling he got mad and said they couldn’t help me. They weren’t real counselors because they were through our church. When I have depressive days he tells me I’m lazy and do nothing. He says my kids do nothing but they’re the only ones that help me around the house. If I ask him to take the trash out, he yells at me to make my son do it and and he makes him do it. Him and his child do nothing and leave stuff laying everywhere. His child is very mean to my children and all other children and does very inappropriate things and is only 10. We only get his child in the summer time and he does not pay support to the mother and when his child is here he does not help with care. My children get in trouble but his does not. I make sure his child has wonderful birthdays and christmases but he never helped with any of their birthdays or Christmas. He claims all the children on the taxes and keeps all the money to himself. He is very financially withholding from all of us but then had the nerve to say to his child, if it wasn’t for me and my kids he would be rich. That is such a slap in my face. I have never been more disrespected by anyone else in my life. Why do I love this person so much? Why am I so forgiving but he swears I am not forgiving and he says that he is the one that is so forgiving to me because I’m so awful. He says I always want to fight but I just want to be loved and treated properly. I’m not allowed to voice my concerns or feelings because then I just want to fight. I’m so scared because I want to leave but I don’t know how. I have nowhere to go. I don’t make enough money to do all of this on my own. I know I would be happier if it were just me and my kids but I also know I would miss him and his child and feel very sad. He makes me laugh. Sometimes at my expense though. He has joked on my body and face before. Very hurtful “jokes” that I’ll never forget. I’m most worried about my children. My kids love him and he has been in their life since they were infants. They only know him. Their father is not involved physically or financially. I’m so overwhelmed I don’t know where to turn. I have planned to leave so many times but never followed through. He tells me if I want to leave I need to get out of the house and sign an agreement that he pays me nothing and if I stay in the house that he pays for none of it. Please don’t belittle me for staying and for asking what to do and where to turn. I am so lost. It took so much for me to come here and post this. I’m dealing with anxiety and depression and even had 2 panic attacks, all in the past few years when I never struggled with this type of stuff before. I can’t handle anything else that’s bad or negative. I’m in a very sensitive state right now. I want out but I want to provide for my children. I know I am not perfect but I know that my children and I do not deserve this misery. I just hate that I exposed them to this person for so long and they would be sad and miss him. He is not willing to get help. He has told my children about me wanting to leave before so they would be mad at me and he has been their only father figure. So this really upset my son who is on the spectrum and he was mad at me. I’m so lost.