Hi all. So I (27F) just got into a relationship with a guy (35M) I like about a week ago. Previously i knew he was a busy guy plus he has a son. I’m pretty open as I wfh and done by 3pm. I do keep myself busy and hang with my friends a lot or stay home, I don’t mind doing nothing. But I did notice that he never really seemed to make time to see me and I thought this was just the “talking” stage. I already told him on our first date that I do like time with my man to go on dates or just hangout. So last night I asked him if I could go over since I know he’s got class 9pm-11pm, and he was off the next day. I was going to show up at 11ish so I can just see him when he’s done and just sleep together. I really just wanted to cuddle I had a long day. I didn’t bother asking him to come to mine because I thought it would be too much for him after class. He lives 20 mins away. He texted back and said not today, but that he misses me. That kinda rubbed me the wrong way in addition to past times similar things like this have happened. If it was the first time I would’ve been like ok, which is what I said the first 2-3 times this has happened.
So today I asked to talk and he called me. I told him that I really wanted to see him last night and that how many times a week are ideal for us to see each other. He got mad and started yelling that I shouldn’t even bring it up. That him saying no to last night shouldn’t be a problem. He totally missed my point which was how many times should I expect to see you. Not that if he says 3 then it’s 3 every time. It’s just a ball park. He went on and on until I told him ttyl. He called me like 40 mins later and apologized for yelling and said it triggered him. I just tried to be open minded and know people have triggers. So he said ok say what you wanted to say, and I said it again. Instead of him giving me the ball park I asked for, he started saying the same things of triggers from the previous call. He got mad again when I said why’re you saying the same things instead of just answering the question? He said that I was showing toxic traits. I didn’t understand. I guess he wanted me to apologize for making him mad? I’m at a loss of words.
Not that who is wrong in this situation, but is this a red flag I should not ignore and cut ties before I waste my time? Am I the toxic one? I could mention previous situations but too much to text lol thanks for your input.
10 comments
Not totally a red flag but yeah cut off and moving on seems the best. He probably doesn’t want what you do atm so no point in wasting your time and energy over something like this.
Sounds like a red flag to me
The red flag from him is that he yelled at you.
But you are giving off red flags. You’ve been dating a week and you’re asking to go to his house several times and are upset that he declines?
One week in is just casual dating. You both should be dating other people as well. Then once you get to know someone well enough to be exclusive, you do so. So I think you came off very clingy and needy. And he has anger issues.
His reaction to a rather reasonable question is pretty alarming and it would be a dealbreaker for me.
It does sound like you’re just plain incompatible though.
>But I did notice that he never really seemed to make time to see me and I thought this was just the “talking” stage.
Next time you are “talking” with someone, though, be aware that the level of effort they put in while getting to know you is usually *higher* than after it’s official. Don’t make a commitment to someone if you’re not really happy with how things are up to that point.
He rejected you the first time , he got mad and yelled at you the second attempt … this is obvious red flag you can’t stay with someone treat you like nothing but having you for what ?? Just move on cuz you deserve better.
You’ve been in a relationship for a week? He’s acting like he doesn’t even like you, I would cut my losses on this one.
Ugh. If you are arguing already and arguing that badly just end it now. You’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase.
People are supposed to have self control.
Firearms and bombs have triggers.
Lose him.
He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants someone to sleep with in his terms.
There are a few red flags here for sure. Get into a habit of never ignoring them.
It sounds like you both have different expectations for this relationship. That would be okay if you two could talk it out but it sounds like he lost it at you repeatedly and still avoided giving you a clear answer. He’s also older and co parents so spontaneous meet ups might not be a part of his life… However, IF that’s even the case, he should’ve calmly talked to you about this, preferably way before you became bf/gf.
I think you can safely let this one go and find someone who wants what you want in a relationship and who doesn’t yell or freak out over simple conversations. Next time, try to find this stuff out before committing to someone. It’s okay to take your time.