I know I ultimately will be making this decision, but I need some input from an impartial party.
My husband (28M) and I (28F) have been together for 11 years, married for 2.5. We started dating when we were in high school and my parents have never supported our relationship. My parents (68M & 63F) are Christian and I was raised Christian. (I am not Christian though, to be clear. I believe in a higher power, not God per say, but that’s not relevant to this.) The reason I bring in their religion is because that’s their reasoning behind not being supportive of us.
My husband is trans and my parents say that they just can’t support LGBTQ+ because their God says it’s wrong. (I know plenty of Christian’s who are the exact opposite, so I am not placing blame on Christianity, but pointing out that my parents use that to justify why they aren’t supportive in any capacity.) It’s been a rollercoaster for the last 11 years with my parents. When my husband and I started dating he hadn’t came out as trans yet and I didn’t know my sexuality. Which caused problem with my parents (they were so stuck on me labeling myself as lesbian or bisexual, and they were so sure it was phase, blah blah blah) and they gave me ultimatums. They wouldn’t pay for my college (that they raised me with the intention of paying for my college) if I stayed with my husband, told me they’d pay for all of my living expenses if I left my husband, and so much more.
I’ve had to tell them that I won’t stand for any disrespect towards my husband or our relationship, and they seem to have somewhat been good about it. They don’t offer to pay for my life if I leave him anymore.
I also want to add when I say they don’t support me, or I want their support: I don’t mean I’m asking for them to decorate their house in rainbow flags, go to pride, and change their beliefs. I’ve only ever asked for them to physically be there and be civil for the sake of me, our parent / child relationship, and our future. I have spent the last 11 years splitting my holidays between my parents and my in-laws, tiptoeing around talking about my husband in any manner (a few years ago I stopped this, because I’m not going to act like he doesn’t exist), and getting married without my parents there. To top it off: They’ve never officially even met my husband. They’ve been in the same room once, and then when I moved out of my parents house at 18, my mother was within 10 feet of him and said incredibly rude things to him before she stormed off.
There’s so much more and I don’t even know if any of that made sense. I’m struggling because I want to start a family soon and the way that my relationship with my parents has been is making me really buckle down and think about how it’ll continue in the future. I hope to have children, and if that happens I don’t plan on having my parents involved if our relationship doesn’t change dramatically.
I don’t know if I should just completely cut them off, just cut off contact and deal with that emotional whirlwind, or if I should just let it fizzle out, for lack of a better phrase, and eventually I won’t be able to come over for holidays and phone calls / texts will be less frequent, at some point they’ll stop. My children won’t know their grandparents on my side of our relationship stays the same, and that kills me. I had a pretty decent relationship with my parents growing up. I was taken care of: home cooked food on the table, both parents, yearly vacations, I felt loved for the most part. Despite being incredibly sheltered and not having much privacy, I had a good childhood with my parents.
I’ll stop here, otherwise I’ll keep going. If you’ve read this far, thank you for your time.
I guess my question is:
Should I cut them off or let it fizzle out?
I am so lost, I really hope I get some help from this post.
(TL:DR My parents don’t support my LGBTQ+ relationship, and I don’t know if I should cut them off.)
14 comments
I was in a similar boat. My parents weren’t terrible but didn’t support my gf and I because of religion. They want nothing to do with me if I’m sinning. And while I didn’t hate them, I had to choose myself and my life and I’ve been happier since.
Conditional love isn’t love. If they won’t take thr time to try and be civil and accept you like you are, then that’s not love. Them loving the idea of you but not the real you isn’t enough
It doesn’t sound like your parents have any interest in loving you for the person you are, and will only love you if you are the person they want you to be.
I’m sorry that they have been so terrible, and it doesn’t sound like they are going to change at all. It might just be better to not have them in your life at all, then trying to keep them involved and just hoping things will improve.
i would have cut them off ages ago
Dan Savage has a saying about this sort of situation: as an adult, your weapon against your parents’ disapproval is your presence in their lives.
I definitely think you shouldn’t be doing any more splitting of holidays or whatnot. At a certain point – and if it’s been 11 years, you’re well past this – you should probably say, “I’m no longer going to fake it to get along. If you want a relationship with me, you have to accept ALL of me.”
And a lot of LGBT teens and young adults have found … that their parents eventually come around. It’s not all of them. But if you make clear that *if* they accept you they get to have a relationship with you, but if they don’t they don’t, that puts tremendous pressure on them to change.
Good luck.
I would cut they out of your life. They are transphobic and there is no cure.
You know the unholy triangle: homophobia, sexism and racism? They probably are also sexists and racists.
I think you can let it fizzle out, and be direct if they comment on it. Like if they say “you hardly ever call us any more!!!” “Why aren’t you coming for the holidays???”, that’s when you can share, matter-of-factly, “oh, I don’t like that we can’t talk about my husband openly” or “I want to spend the holidays with my husband I don’t feel like he’s welcome at your house”.
OP, what hurts more, waxing or tweezing your bikini line?
What you are doing is using tweezers and it sucks. Rip that wax off and be done with it.
But seriously, why are you putting yourself and your husband through this? Go and find a counselor who you, and your husband, can work through this with you and support you both. You need to process the grief of losing that parental relationship and acknowledging that your very low bar of expectation is still way too high.
Sending hugs, be strong.
When did their god say this to them? They sound like bigots
Where in the Bible does it say it’s a sin? I’m also pretty sure that in the original the brothers that Jesus healed were lovers
I really want you to have the family you want. Like every Disney Pixar moment, where at the end of the movie.. generational mindsets are cleared up at the end because.. family is what matters most.
I suggest having one last sit down with your parents. Write down all your thoughts beforehand. Discuss how much they mean to you. How you picture them being there for you, much like they were there for you through all the stages of your life. You didn’t become a brand new person, you are always their child. Raised by them, to love as they love and to have a family as they did. Just to support you and your future, like always.
You are so much more than the obedient child that made it to family dinners and have them proudly grin through your milestones of growth. You can safely say, that there are things in your childhood, you would happily bring into your relationship right now, as well as parenting styles. And that’s your emotional and mental conflict.
I suggest having one last sit down with your parents. Write down all your thoughts beforehand. Discuss how much they mean to you. How you picture them being there for you, much like they were there for you through all the stages of your life. You didn’t become a brand new person, you are always their child. Raised by them, to love as they love and to have a family as they did. You want them to be who they are, supporting in your growth as an adult.
Their response will tell you how you should move on from there. Your future is important, especially with your partner and your future children.
I hope you find peace and the future your family deserves.
It’s easy to say someone on the internet to cut someone’s off. Many people suggest breaking up in this subreddit all the time. But we know it never works so easily.
People, social animals, are rarely able to cut ties to loved ones. Even if they like to think otherwise.
But the truth is: you can have several spouses in your life, but will never get another parents. Ask yourself: do you love them? Do they support you in other topics? Do you need them to ask how you’ve been, chat with them, watch you grow older? Do you want them to be in your life? How strongly?
I think it’s should only be about that. In fact, do you think that having a grandchild would soften them? Or maybe it’s going to be even more difficult to deal with your différence in front of a little family member?
I really hope you’ll choose what’s best for you, but please don’t have be resentful or bitter. You and your parents both have a right to believe what you believe and nobody’s wrong as nobody’s right. But people are like threes, they became rigid as they grow old, so don’t think you love them more just because they don’t try to understand you. They just can’t.
I’m talking from my experience, as I have very different political view from my father, and the current geopolitical situation’s made it really explosive. And like you, I’m more open to accept his views and knows he will never try to do so for me. But I know his heart and he knows mine.
I think they are more than just Cristian, and you are more then you sexuality, even if it’s a huge part of your lives. And you sure love each other despite the differences (well, don’t think you’d ask this question is it wasn’t so).
So, I think you should not to cut them off, but it’s your decision to make. Be strong, hope you’ll take the best decision for you.
It’s totally normal to cut off family members, please don’t fell bad about it !
They should respect your individualism.
I was in a different situation, but because they all (family from my mom’s side ) judged me for being who I wanted to be instead of what they wanted me to be, so I cut them off and was the best decision I ever made. It is very toxic and painful to keep going like this. I just needed courage and self love all this time… it hurts because it’s not what you wanted, but you can’t force anything… you just can inspire and give the example to the world.
ALWAYS follow your heart no matter what, true family will support your decisions.
And maybe they don’t support in the beginning, but after they see you are truly happy and yourself, maybe they will regret their actions and will support you !
This is all about their ego, ethics, religion and beliefs…
Wasn’t my choice to be Christian either or baptized, but don’t get me wrong I respect every religion and every human being.
It’s just not me…
Hope it helped.
Be strong and follow your heart. 💙💙
**Also remember now you will have your own family with the love of your life 🥰💙👨👩👧 and you will teach them the best values and support their decisions and most important to always be yourself 💙
Personally, I think it’s time you give your parents an ultimatum. Either they start accepting (and respecting) you and your husband as you are, or you no longer will be a part of their lives. Your husband needs to be welcome in their home, and the transphobic/homophobic commentary/judgement has to stop. I would also tell them that at this point, you don’t feel that you have much of a relationship anyway. You can’t talk about your husband who is a huge part of your life, and if you decide to have children, you would not introduce them to the kids because of the way treat you and your husband.
If your parents agree to start making a real effort, then cautiously continue a relationship with them. If they don’t, then cut them off completely. Optionally, you could tell them that the door is open should they ever change their minds, but only say that if you mean it.
Good luck, OP. I wish you and your husband all the best.
I wouldn’t break off with them completely. That can cause a lot of unnecessary pain for both of you. You may regret having an irreparably broken relationship. I would be honest about how you love both them and your husband. Keep telling them you need them to be civil to your husband, but warn them that if you grow tired of having to ask, you will partially and more increasingly separate from them.