I (33F) went on a first date with someone (32M) from online dating. We were having a great date, drinks, laughing, playful. He seemed genuine and sweet.
He walks me to my car and kisses me goodnight. It ends up being a more passionate kiss and he asks if we should move this to the inside of my car. I’m fine with this as it’s raining. Once we’re in the car, I’m realizing he’s grabbed me by the front of my throat a few times. I push his hand away. Randomly, he pulls on my hair and says he’s going to “make me his little slut.” I’m totally turned off by this and let him know. He apologizes but continues to make comments like “should I pull it out?” [no] and “would you suck it?” [no] and finally he says “pleeeease” and I look him square in the eye and say no. And that we should call it a night.

Wtf? He was either really good at playing me earlier on the date that he’s a good guy or this has become some sort of weird acceptable behavior.

39 comments

  1. The fact that he didn’t shut it down after your first no is enough information to know you dodged a bullet.

  2. It’s ok to leave immediately. I think it’s very inappropriate to do what he did without having consent first.

    I would go no contact with him and block. Also report on app if you can.

  3. I’m way to old to train this shit out of someone.

    Name-calling and hair pulling are very easy to casually check for consent on. I’m very into some of what you described and I still would not be ok with it going down like that. The gentlest interpretation of this is that he had zero interest in your pleasure or enjoyment. Just needed a warm prop with which to act out his own.

    Be glad to be rid of him.

  5. “Should I pull it out”??? Wtf?? What was he referring to? I’m happy you got out of there. I’ve had this once before where a guy randomly slapped me on my ass and called me a bitch. He then refused to “apologize for his lust to control women” or whatever. Gross.

    And don’t get me wrong, I love a cheeky slap, but it has to be from a person I trust and like (and obviously at the right moment).

    I’m honestly curious what goes through this dudes head right now haha

  7. This happened to me recently on a first date. It was like he thought real life was the place to act out all of his porn fantasies with a stranger. He didn’t find anything inappropriate about it including asking similarly intrusive questions and being aggressive.

  8. Disgusting but quite common unfortunately. People like this are beyond redemption so don’t bother trying to coach him into being an actual human being. I think watching porn from a young age with little real life sexual experience does a lot of damage.

  9. They don’t want to recognise that porn is a fantasy that turns *some* people on, its not real life even if its homemade or low quality. I mean, none of us arrange to have a plumber come over just to bang him for hours instead of having him fix the leak, get paid with actual money and leave!!! Ffs. He’s too old to be this naive and also too old to not understand consent or how to behave respectfully.

  11. Jesus christ, this guys sounds like he has serious problems.It’s not just the weird porn stuff, it’s the total absence of social awareness, and then the begging… like him suddenly asking nicely is gonna change anything? Completely mental behaviour.

  12. As a guy I find that behaviour shocking. Choking and hurting a partner I just don’t find attractive.

  13. He’s a predator who doesn’t care about enthusiastic consent, and just a pathetic excuse for an adult with the begging at the end. I’m glad he finally took your no seriously and left though, what a creep.

    As for the aggressive behaviour at the start, people should never lead with that before they talk to their sex partner about whether they’d enjoy it. If he got this from porn, he should stick to watching it and leave women the hell alone. I feel gross after this post.

  15. Frankly, this guy sounds like he does not deserve any more of your time.

    It is in no way acceptable behavior.

  16. Someone please tell me that there are guys out there who don’t do this. Because it’s been my experience that every guy I’ve gone out with no matter how sensible and enlightened they seem, turns into a total animal all of a sudden and starts doing this exact thing. Saying creepy stuff, referring to his member as a “he” and addressing it as if it’s another entity that I have to interact with, doing things to me that are extremely uncomfortable and then asking whether I like it even though he hasn’t done anything to actually please ME yet.

    It freaks me out to see that change come over their eyes and I just want to get away because I feel like I’m being preyed upon. I’ve given up on dating because of how many times I’ve been physically ramrodded, assaulted, invaded and made to speak about a penis as if it’s a person who just showed up on our date and replaced the person I was having a nice time with.

  20. I’m sorry that this happened, OP. The switch from playful and charming to sexually coercive can be jarring and feel almost violating. Good for you for sticking by your boundaries.

  22. Creepy. Call him a creep and tell him get lost in his porn fantasy. Some major issues.

  23. Guys who were taught “how to have sex” by porn. After reading about it (I strongly suggest Pornland by Gail Dines) and after a decent amount of sex encounters you would be able do differentiate those who just want to reproduce what they watch on porn (and strongly believe that that is what women like) from those who have sex on a more intuitive way

  24. Gross, what the actual fuck. Ignoring your boundaries, never even heard of consent, then trying to manipulate you into fucking him. What the fuck is wrong with people?

  25. Whoa. I would’ve been less turned off and more terrified for my life! What a creep. Edit to add: while I do think porn has an over aggressive theme and has made men think it’s more normal for women to want rough sex – I don’t think that’s what this guys main problem is! Hell, I like a good grab of the throat, but a first date without any communication?! Like I said, I would’ve been genuinely frightening. So not cool.

  26. Totally unacceptable. Sex and preferences need to be discussed beforehand. It all needs to be consensual and straight up if they want a porn star in bed they can go and request it on their tinder bio.

  28. Ugh, I hate pornsick dudes. I’m sorry this happened to you OP. Good thing is, you found this out early on.

    I don’t mind a little bit of kink, domination, aggression, etc during sex but that is something you discuss beforehand and I definitely don’t partake in any of that on the ***first date***. Not even the 2nd or 3rd either.

  30. He sounds like a creep. No one should pull that kind of junk unless it was discussed beforehand, and consent was given to do it.

  31. I briefly dated a guy who told me sex has to be in a certain order or it doesn’t count based on his experience watching porn (his words). His sexual itinerary was bookended by blowjobs and didn’t include any focus on the female. This felt like the tip of the iceberg and I stopped seeing him after that.

  33. Yeah I had a similar incident, the guy ended up getting mad and saying something about being sick of these ‘vanilla’ chicks. Like, sorry I won’t let you strangle me internet stranger…cause those stories alwaaays end real well for the girl

  34. NOPPE! to that situation. Sry that happened, ew.

    I have seen the same thing, unfortunately. One guy who had the nerve to ask if he could pee on me after a few dates, guys who ask for really degrading things, or even slapping my v… why?

  35. Yeah, this is a problem with a lot of guys. They don’t communicate with women and assume they just want porn style sex.

    A simple “…so what are you into?” is probably the best course of action. Some simple rules are: Slower is better than faster, giving is better than receiving, and the warmup (foreplay) is more important than the main act.

    Thats just my 2¢ though.

  36. I have run into this before myself. I also find it a turn off. I have no issue acting out a fantasy with a trusted partner, but if I don’t know or trust you and you put your hand on my throat? Expect me to respond defensively. Which I did. The guy was soooo clueless too, ‘Why did you do that? I thought women are into being manhandled?’ I was too mad to explain it at the time, although I sent a whole text explaining consent before blocking him the next day. It’s really frustrating, but not ALL men will do this. It’s up to you whether you want to try to educate someone ( once you are safely away, just in case) or just move on.

  37. This was me and my ex. Porn ruined our sexual relationship, because the only way that he would get turned on is if I was to degrade myself as a woman and submit to his demands. He would choke me, call me a bitch, and slap my face in order to ejaculate. It was terrible, and I don’t know why I endured it for so long. I remember crying during a few times too and he didn’t care. I eventually broke up with him and the last words I ever said to him was “you need to help yourself” and I’m glad that it’s over with. I’m proud that you were able to tell him off, he seems like he’s got some deep rooted issues.

  38. This isn’t acting out a porno. In a porno, all the actors know they are in a porno. This is being an abusive asshole.

  39. If you have to tell any man – let alone one in his 30s more than once to shut it the fuck down he obviously has respect issues. Id gladly kick his ass to the curb…even in the rain.

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