I (f30s) had a fifth date with a guy (m40s) I’ve been seeing for a few weeks. He’s seemed super interested, we text frequently between dates. We’ve been meeting at (distanced) public places but he asked me over to his place last night and we ended up having sex for the first time. All seemed well and good until he asked me when I was going home.
Am I overreacting to be a little offended by that? It’s honestly the first time that’s ever happened to me. I know it’s kind of a common thing for random hookups, but we had both talked about wanting something more serious and I did not think this was that.
The other thing about it that I guess kind of rubbed me the wrong way was that I had brought over a bottle of wine which we finished. It was over a few hours and I would have been good to drive but he then opened a second one and we were well into it by that point. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome, so I did leave, but in retrospect I really shouldn’t have been driving. It’s only about 15 minutes, and I stopped at a gas station around the corner to get water and collect myself but by this point it was almost 1am and in the single digits outside. It wasn’t safe or smart.
I guess it’s kind of on me for not clarifying in advance, but if I open bottle #2 with a guy over, it would be with the implied invitation that he stay the night if only from a safety perspective. If that wasn’t the case, I’d at least preface it with “hey, just want to make sure you’ll still be good to drive if we get into a second bottle” and not wait to spring it on someone.
I was just kind of taken aback and honestly feel like ending the whole thing, but don’t know if that’s an overreaction. He hasn’t texted to check in and make sure I got home safe, and right now I’m feeling zero inclination to pursue something with someone who seems to have so little regard for my safety. Am I overreacting here, or is this a legitimate reason to call the whole thing off?
EDIT: Thank you all so much for your replies, I was in a meeting and I’m just starting to read them now. I’m so grateful for the validation that I wasn’t way off base. The more I think about it, the more upset I am, and I will not be seeing him again. So thank you!
I should add that he did finally text to make sure I got home okay, but not until almost noon. I haven’t replied yet. I don’t want to be an asshole who ghosts after sex, but I also I’m going to need some time to think about what if anything I want to say in reply.
EDIT 2.0: To answer a few things that keep coming up:
He didn’t tell me he was opening the 2nd bottle. He went to the bathroom which is on the other side of the kitchen and came back with a new bottle he had already opened and refilled my glass. To be clear, I didn’t object though.
Yes, I realize I should have communicated better as well, and if I’m in this situation again I’ll make sure to preface it with “if I have any more to drink I don’t think I’ll be able to drive.” That’s on me.
I didn’t RUN out of there. It took me some time to round up my clothes, get dressed, use the bathroom, etc, and he walked me to the door so he had plenty of time to say “hey are you sure you’re okay to drive” if it was a misunderstanding.
Ultimately, I’m not looking to place blame here. Whether or not you think he did anything wrong and whether or not it was my fault for not asking more questions, he’s not right FOR ME. After talking to a guy every day for a month, going on multiple dates, etc, when we finally sleep together, I want a guy who *wants* me to stay and cuddle. This is the part where we shouldn’t be able to get enough of each other and should be excited to be around each other. I’m not going to put more energy into someone who’s not on the same page, and I’ll keep looking for someone’s who’s excited to sleep next to me. I’ve never been a person who does the bare minimum for their partner. I always go above and beyond to make sure friends and partners are comfortable, safe, and cared for without having to be asked. I’m going to hold out for someone who is willing to do the same for me, not because it’s a requirement but because they want to. Kindness is its own reward.
Thank you all! There’s more here than I can even respond to, but I’m so grateful for the perspective.
42 comments
Yeah seems like he got what he wanted. If I had ANY actual interest in someone I wouldn’t ask them to leave in those conditions
You can end a relationship for any reason you choose, whether anyone else thinks its reasonable or not.
That being said, if this happened to me, I’d end it for being asked to leave afterwards. That doesn’t include the drinking, which would have buried any chance for an explanation as to why.
Disgusting behavior in my opinion. Even if he was just clueless I wouldn’t want to continue that
I would see that as a red flag especially since you are under the impression he is looking for something serious. If you want you can confront him and tell him how him kicking you out after gave you a bad impression of him. I dunno if I would give him a second chance after he gets what he wants then asks you when you are leaving while still a little drunk. What a donut.
I have had that happen to me, wanting me to leave after drinking. I think he used the alcohol to get you to get in bed with him then when he got what he wanted kicked you out. I’m so sorry that really angers me.
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You’re not overreacting
He is an asshole and the only thing he cared about while opening the second bottle was his duck getting wet. I would not contact him at all
Oh no. If we are into a second bottle of wine and my date / friend / whoever asked me to leave, that would be it for me. I offer friends a place to stay after drinks at my place. I would offer a date the same thing even if it is the couch. I would never want someone to drive after drinking and hurt themselves or hurt someone else.
He asked you to leave after sex, after drinking several glasses of wine at one am. Absolutely not. I would never speak to him again. I could not tolerate being treated that way by anyone.
Yeah that is definitely messed up. When I was early twenties I had a rule of offering dates to stay over after 10, just in case they didn’t feel comfortable driving later at night. The fact that he didn’t offer/expect you to stay over especially after drinking is just wrong.
You are not over reacting at all.
Even if it was casual, casual sex doesn’t mean complete disregard for the person that you’re having sex with. Especially after drinking into the early morning.
I wouldn’t blame you for ending things. I would have already blocked his number.
You can end things for any reason really. I think the fact that he invited you over and immediately after sex was like “Okay when are you leaving!” was really scummy.
If I have a person over and we open 2 bottles of wine, then I’d be prepared to have them stay over if they wanted to. I wouldn’t be pushing them out the door after sex.
He seems scummy. I’d definitely talk to him about this. It’s up to you whether you feel you like him enough to try and work this out or whether you’d just rather end things.
I don’t think that’s overreacting, I think it’s incredibly poor taste to keep the drinks flowing if you expect someone to go home *and* in my opinion, after midnight is entering sleepover turf. I absolutely agree it’s more normal to preface a visit like that with the expectation to go home, otherwise it’s sort of…”I got what I wanted and now you can leave”. Even with the people I was having hookups with, it was pretty straightforward on if the expectation was to spend the night or to leave after.
The only thing I can think of that could offset this (and maybe working to think of an explanation is a warning sign itself haha) is if he was asking”when do you think you were going home” but meant that for the next morning? I had this asked of me once and thought I was being told to leave and he was like “no no! not today, tomorrow, sorry” and was quite apologetic about it. Doesn’t quite sound like that was the case here though
>He hasn’t texted to check in and make sure I got home safe, and right now I’m feeling zero inclination to pursue something with someone who seems to have so little regard for my safety.
If YOU feel like these are your standards, and they’re a bare minimum imo, then these ARE your standards. You are not overreacting. Trust your gut.
What a Dbag. I honestly hope you don’t reach out to him. Just not even having common sense – seems like a real winner. F that guy but please not literally!
I’ve had fwb and hookups. When we’re done I still stayed to cuddle or kept them over for aftercare, hangout, chatting, etc. We part ways in the morning usually (not always). If we weren’t spending the night that was usually discussed before hand, “how long can you stay?” “I have to work early tomorrow so maybe 8pm?” Etc. If I’m sleeping with someone at midnight it’s usually implied they’d be spending the night.
This guy sending you home at 1am while it’s freezing out and you’ve been drinking makes him not even fwb potential in my opinion. Unless he’s got really great dick or some other rare attribute that makes you willing to get disrespected for it. I’m not judging you if that’s the case, some people are into being used. Even if so I don’t like the long courtship before hand and the complete 180.
Not an overreaction. Imagine being in your 40s and treating women like this….this man is going to die alone 😂
I don’t even know you and this made me want to reach through my screen and give you a hug. You are absolutely not overreacting – that is appallingly rude behavior.
There is worse to uncover. You can stick around for it or just go w the evidence you have that the guy has antipathy for those he has sex with.
A man in his 40’s behaving like this? Ew. I wouldn’t even treat a friend like this never mind someone I’m having intercourse with.
>He hasn’t texted to check in and make sure I got home safe
**BOO THIS MAN**
In my view you did not overreact at all. Emotionally healthy people know in their gut what this or that means on a deeper level. You just know when something is worthy of being taken as an offense and when it’s not. This is obviously the former. He made you wrongly assume that you would be treated as a human being (all the talks about wanting something serious) then showing a total lack of basic empathy and concern for your (and others) safety making you drink more than you should have while already knowing that he would have asked you to leave afterwards, exploiting in his favor your politeness and good faith.
Yep he just wanted to hook up. He should of just stated what he wanted up front.
You’re not overreacting. His behavior was inconsiderate and uncaring and it won’t get better over time. He’s in his 40’s and should know how to treat a woman with baseline respect – he’s shown you who he is. End it and make room for someone who considers your feelings and safety. ♥️
Insisting that you drive after drinking that much shows a remarkable disregard for your safety.
Even if this is a complete misunderstanding, and he meant “what time *in the morning* are you going home?”, *allowing* you to drive shows a remarkable disregard for your safety.
Yeah its a weird one tbh. Had the same thing happen to me. I was seeing someone for several weeks and everything was going well. Eventually she invited me over her place for drinks, made some moves, and then asked me to go home after we had sex at like 3 am. I took it at face value and stopped initiating contact after that – and predictably it all fizzled out quickly. Pretty clear that she either didn’t know what she wanted or misled me to get it. Either way, losses cut and moving on. Sounds like you’re in the same boat.
I find it quite horrifying the way he has treated you and you deserve better. You’re not overreacting. You have every right to be upset and angry about this. You’re probably having a hard time reconciling the coldness and selfishness he showed you with the great guy you first thought he was, but the cold selfish guy is who he is as you should judge someone based on how they treat you. You didn’t know him on the first few dates as well as you do now.
Just jumping on the bandwagon here but if you have any standards whatsoever this is not the guy for you. This guy is 40 and doesn’t possess the sense to consider your safety as at least a moderate priority? Buh bye.
Let’s say hypothetically I was the guy in an identical situation, I nudged somebody to go home after sex, after downing a bottle and a half of wine, never offered for that person to stay over, and didn’t check in afterwards. And it’s fucking cold out. I would be *super* embarrassed to admit that to anybody. It would feel like something I’d have to work really hard to make right. Just being completely without even basic human consideration once my nuts were empty. It’s not a good look.
You’re not over reacting at all. Unfortunately it seems that he got what he wanted. I’ve noticed guys don’t mind putting in “time” just for a hookup now a days. It makes dating for a serious thing very difficult.
If he didn’t check in or ask you to check in when you got home I’d 100% be done.
It sounds like he already called it off. He didn’t even care to check if you got home so I would say he isn’t at all interested in you now that you slept together.
So, I’m Ms. Petty, and I’d tell him that you didn’t feel you guys were sexually compatible and let him think he sucks in bed. But, that’s just me…
The biggest issue for me is he LET you drive home after drinking.
He obviously doesn’t give a shit so I would say find someone who does!
Whether or not you had sex and whether or not you provided the wine, a man who’d send you out too impaired to drive in single-digit weather isn’t worth the effort it takes to think about him. You’re not ghosting him after sex, you’re ghosting him after he endangered you by sending you out in an unsafe situation,
And do not give him the satisfaction of even saying a word about it. Please respect yourself.
Girl. I have two DUIs from dumb decisions like this. You do NOT want this for your life.
He Just wanted your cookie, nothing more. Cut your losses and forget about him. Block him on everything and out of your Life. Who on earth sends a woman out at 1am. Crazy as It sounds.
I’d block and move on without explaining anything.
Assuming he has a no sleepover policy for whatever reason, and assuming it’s a valid not-assholey reason, I’m surprised your dude didn’t offer to get you a cab and say you guys would arrange to move your car in the morning. That’s what I’d do to any of my friends who were partying at my house and wanted to skidaddle. Maybe if you were insisting on driving I guess this makes more sense? Since there is very little you can do to get people to not do that. But it sounds like he was pressuring you out.
I’m not trying to mother you about the drunk driving but I think it’s worth noting that in the future you need to stand your ground more. If you got a DUI or ended up skidding on ice directly into a snowy ditch you’re solely responsible for that expense, not him. Don’t let wanting to avoid an awkward conversation be the reason you fuck yourself over and derail part of your life.
Ghost him. Let him worry it’s bc he’s bad in bed. That would be a deal breaker for me. I prob wouldn’t have had sex that soon but not judging you for that he’s just obviously not the kind/protector type of partner I’d want
Im Gonna be the petty one to say…. Ghost him after sex. 🤷🏻♀️😂
Time is valuable and he has already shown you he doesn’t have the capability to want something deeper.
A short answer form a 30s man; this is not appropriate and totally unacceptable for me. You should have stayed the night in his place and he or you both should have prepared breakfast. Total dealbreaker, I am sure there are lots of man who would appreciate you.