I{F24} told my boyfriend{27} in April that he needs to stop talking completely to his ex, as it’s a dealbreaker for me. It’s either me or her. He said he will stop.
Now recently, I was on my bf’s iPad drawing and wanted to send the art to myself. Clicked to share and his ex-gf popped up. I asked him if they have been talking, he said no. Then I asked several more times and he said “no no no”. He then showed me their chat to prove which had no messages. I could tell that he was lying so I asked him again and then he eventually admitted that he only talked to her once, that it was innocent and he deleted it because he didn’t want me to overthink it.
Then I had a “crazy fit” and told him to prove it to me. He basically ended up asking his ex for the screenshots. Yeah nothing bad, but apparently he’s been texting replying to her messages since when I asked him to stop.I think this is very embarrassing. On top of the fact that he also accidentally bumped into her once irl, and told her that they need to stop talking frequently because I don’t want them to.
I don’t know if I can trust this person anymore or how can I ?
Tldr/ bf said he would stop talking to his ex but he keeps talking to her and deleting their messages
32 comments
If the trust is gone it’s hard to get it back. I’d leave and try do better for myself but it understand you’re a different person with different emotions than me. There’s no real good excuse to stay in touch with an ex and I wouldn’t accept accept it regardless of how innocent it seems.
I hope you do what’s best for you and you’re the happier for whatever the outcome is
If he can’t be honest, then he belongs to the streets OP.
So is it a dealbreaker or not?
Because if it’s a dealbreaker, you wouldn’t be posting here. You would have dumped him already.
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He’s not gunna stop talking to her and he’s showing u that. Deleting shit is not okay. Actions speak louder then words
This was settled in April – the boundary was laid to not communicate with this person, and the outcome if violated was that you would leave.
He has chosen to violate that boundary. Now it’s on you to carry out the outcome. If you stay with him after an ultimatum like that, he will never forget that your boundaries are optional.
He’s made his choice. It’s time to go.
You said it’s a dealbreaker however he has overstepped the boundary and you are still with him…..
You said it’s a deal breaker for you. He’s still doing it so follow through and break up with him.
He’s not trustworthy.
He’s your boyfriend, but you’re not his girlfriend
How do you know she didn’t delete they shady messages before she screenshot and set them?
I’ve been in your shoes, the exact same scenario. Old relationship, but he ended up cheating, trying to lie about it, and we broke up.
It’s very simple, he isn’t over her, and he needs to take time to get over her ALONE or you’re just going to end up heartbroken.
Eventually, he’ll realize 1. He should’ve broken contact with the ex and made things work with you, or 2. He wants to get back with the ex and make it work.
Either way, he shouldn’t be trying to have a relationship with someone else when he’s still in love with the ex.
Can I ask… how long was he broken up with her before he started with you?
I suggest leaving. He doesn’t respect your boundaries at all. I’m the same way personally. They’re your ex for a reason. There’s no need to have anything to do with them after y’all break up unless you have kids together. It’s weird as fuck.
Why do you not want him texting his ex, outta interest? Is he still into her? If he is, that’s understandable. If not, why even have it as a standard for the relationship?
He agreed to do it and lied, of course, so that is a major problem. You said it is a dealbreaker, so realistically you should end it.
My ex did this. He doesn’t respect you. Time to go.
>I{F24} told my boyfriend{27} in April that he needs to stop talking completely to his ex, as it’s a dealbreaker for me
Then the next step is clear.
He’s not going to stop. You made it very clear that it was important to you that he stopped and he very clearly decided that your feelings don’t matter to him.
I get you are grieving. It’s hard to believe that a person you are so deeply invested in, who you’ve given your all to, just doesn’t have the same level of investment as you do. But nothing you can do will make him love you the way you love him. All you can do is emotionally let go of him.
Your BF has shown you where his priorities are. You shouldn’t need to ask more than once, if you should need to ask at all. You even gave him an ultimatum and he still disrespected you. And I seriously doubt them bumping into each other was an accident.
Him not talking to her isn’t a punishment and doesn’t make you “the bad guy”. It sounds like when he told her it was more like “because my GF says”, not because he really wanted to stop.
No, you cannot trust him. He’ll just learn to hide it better now.
You know he’s doing it, so why are you still with him?
If it’s a dealbreaker, then you need to break the deal so to speak.
“I{F24} told my boyfriend{27} in April that he needs to stop talking completely to his ex, as it’s a dealbreaker for me. It’s either me or her. He said he will stop.”
So now it’s time to be a woman of your word or he will keep doing this and potentially other things because you’re showing him that you make idol threats. You also don’t respect your own boundaries enough to enforce them.
Honestly, I had a similar situation with an ex. She cheated on me and kept talking to the guy. She even hid his account in snap chat and talked to him for like 6+ months behind my back and hung out with him in person (I think). She lied a lot and couldn’t tell the truth. I hope this isn’t what your boyfriend is doing but if he keeps lying; be wary of that and trust your gut.
Sorry that your bf doesn’t respect you enough to stop talking to her 🙁 I do want to point out one thing though, the fact that when he “bumped” into her he really told her that you didn’t want them talking 😭 why say that like you’re a controlling mom wtf. Right thing to say would’ve been hi and bye and if she asked him to chit chat he could’ve literally just say he couldn’t stick around and avoid her I’m sure she’d get the message that HE doesnt want to stick around instead of “my big bad gf won’t let me talk to you it’s not that I don’t want to” 🙄 dude should kick rocks fr. If he’s risking your relationship to just chat with this girl he doesn’t care enough and is not the one for you.
And this is only the beginning of a relationship. Lots of fish out there. Time to move on if your already building on a sketchy foundation
I’ve been here. All I want to say is you should never have to work hard to make love happen. As I have seen in the comments, I believe either way you are going to get hurt. It sounds to me like you value the relationship more than he does. I would say you could have a conversation with him (as couples should be able to do) and let him know how this is making you feel. HONESTY feel and If he cares as much as he should, he would make at most the minimal effort of respecting you. However, if you allow yourself to be treated this way now, he will never learn that what he’s doing isn’t okay. More then willing to talk if you need it u/heidifire
My exh was like this… Some men are completely selfish and do whatever to get what they want… That’s not a man you want to build a life with, trust me!
as someone who is pretty much in your shoes right now, i know it’s very difficult to leave and i sympathize with you. you SHOULD absolutely dump him before this inevitably spirals out of control in a few weeks or months. situations like these never end well in your favor and you’re going to be so much more hurt if you prolong this. i know it’s scary, but you don’t deserve someone who talks to their ex. you won’t ever be able to fully trust him again. do you really want that kind of relationship?
INFO.
Breaching mutual agreements is a dealbreaker. And dealbreaker means “the deal is broken”, like, you leave them. And you haven’t. So… it’s not a dealbreaker.
But coming from the opposite direction, my wife and I both are friends with several of our exes and even hang out with some of them from time to time. Hell, my wife’s actual best friend is an ex. If one of us told the other they can’t talk to an ex anymore, the marriage would probably be over. It’s controlling and jealous, and betrays a lack of trust. Both in your partner *and* in yourself.
*Of course* if the ex/relationship was fucked up, or very recent/unresolved, or if your partner was shady in general or in some specific way with that person, and they refused to stop or kept hiding it, then that’s a problem. And you shouldn’t be with someone like that anyway.
But I think we need INFO about why you are trying to enforce this in the first place. It’s completely possible that your partner loves you and doesn’t want to leave you but is also at a loss about being told to delete a close friend from his life. He shouldn’t have agreed to it and then hid his behavior, and that *breach* needs a resolution between you ASAP. But the reason for this behavior might be different than you think.
>I{F24} told my boyfriend{27} in April that he needs to stop talking completely to his ex, as it’s a dealbreaker for me. It’s either me or her. He said he will stop.
Is this really a dealbreaker? I mean, you caught him lying to you and he still talks to his ex.
>I don’t know if I can trust this person anymore or how can I ?
The answer is ‘no.’ No you can’t.
Also, he likely didn’t ‘bump’ into his ex. They just met up and hang out. It sounds to me they’re friendly, possibly still hung up on each other.
It’s really up to you what you want to do next. But it’s for sure, he’s been talking to his ex, he will not stop talking to his ex and he’ll just lie and hide it. He probably likes the whole sneaking around on you. It sounds that (Idk if it’s true), he’s painting you as this controlling, jealous unreasonable gf to his ex. And his ex is likely to be sympathizing with him and they have this ‘bond’ where he can just bash you to her and complain about you.
Actions are always more revealing than words. Trust that his actions are showing you his true colors. “If he wanted to he would” is a true statement.
I’ve been in this situation before, and I learned that even though it fucking sucks to leave someone you love in the short term, it benefits you significantly in the long term. You deserve someone who treats you like their priority, and this guy ain’t it!
Is it actually a dealbreaker or were you just saying it? Because if it was actually a dealbreaker, the deal is off? Right?
You do know that you can’t trust him anymore. Stop lying to yourself, you’ll only get hurt worse. Come on, now.
Run. He will not stop. You’re your most important person right now. Leave him. He is not worth your time or energy. The lying and somewhat form of gaslighting is not okay. And you have every right to have a “crazy fit”. He’s being an ass and he knows he messed up. But he won’t stop. Put yourself first
As someone who is the ex-gf in this scenario, he’s not going to stop. My ex from a LONG ASS time ago keeps messaging me. I don’t answer, I’m not a side piece lmao and I don’t even know him anymore. But once he heard I was single again he’s been messaging me. The only time I answered was to say “don’t you have a gf” to which he replied “yes, but”. They literally live together.
Even if the ex-gf stops, do you want him to stop solely because she won’t respond? Do you want to have to “force” him to stop?
Idk I have a hard time trusting people
You didn’t have a “crazy fit” you were anxious and upset, and rightfully so.