TL;DR: My(33F) fiance(35M) doesn’t want to come to my mother’s funeral after I’ve asked him several times over the past two years. He said if possible, he would, and now that it’s possible to travel internationally, I’m finding out he never intended to be there for me. Should I leave this relationship?
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My fiance(35M) and I (33F) have been in a relationship for 5 years. We met, live, and work in Asia. I proposed to him in spring 2020 and he accepted. We agreed to move in together in the fall and announce our engagement to our families in their respective countries. We had a very happy and healthy relationship and were making long term goals together.
Shortly after getting engaged, my single mother became critically ill. I returned back to the US alone to care for her in ICU and make her medical decisions. She was misdiagnosed and terminal. I lost her a couple months later. My extended family was horrible. They stole, tried to kill our pets, hid important estate mail and never helped me with the estate when I returned to work. Eventually I found out they had stolen my mother’s ashes too. My emotional, financial, and legal stress was sky high and I had to handle all of this alone and bereaved.
My fiance did not help with estate tasks either and couldn’t handle my bereavement and trauma. He prioritized playing games and talking to random strangers online over me. I feel like he resented me for not being happy and bubbly like I used to be.
As time went on I shifted my support system to my friends, healed from most of the trauma, and made a lot of progress on the estate from abroad. I also got my mom back!!! Now I can return and place her in her cemetery spot that I arranged when I lost her.
Throughout this time I had asked my fiance to return with me if possible to help me during the funeral and any residual estate tasks. He said he would try if he could travel. We talked about this a few times. I helped set up his vaccine account to get vaccinated if his company’s vaccine program didn’t work out and come with me when boarders opened and quarantine times reduced, I kept him informed about when I was trying to go, talked about getting the vaccine certificate for international travel, and a visa for him to enter the country.
Then it all clicked, that he can do these things himself.
I’m still dealing with a lot of estate tasks and legal pressure. He can very easily do these things himself if he intends to come. And I’m realizing now, he didn’t.
It’s making me think about the other things he didn’t do. He didn’t take on the task to import my mother’s cat, or help with the estate, get us a cat friendly apartment, move in to help take care of me while I grieved and lower my financial burden, etc. If the situation was reversed I would have gladly done these things.
I love him so much. Yet I also don’t know if I can continue a relationship with a man who lied to me for years about intending to come to my mother’s funeral. I don’t think he saved a single cent, paid day off, or even talked to his boss about this. I really need him. I don’t want to be alone at the cemetery. I also don’t want to let my mom down. She looked so happy when I told her we got engaged.
However, I am capable of being alone. Should I leave this relationship? Is there a way to salvage it? I feel like I can’t salvage this alone.
41 comments
You’re better off alone if you’re in a relationship and still feel alone.
I don’t hear any examples of good support he’s been giving you or things he’s done to help you out with logistics or even to try and take your mind off things for a little while.
It sounds like he’s a fair weather boyfriend;
He’s good in the good times and non-existent in the bad.
Do with that information what you will.
He’s your FIANCE??? I would’ve NEVER let my gf let alone someone I was planning to marry go alone in such a situation. If he only wants a relationship when everything is happy and fine then he’s not a suitable partner. He left you alone at a time you needed him most. You deserve so much better
You don’t need him and you love what you think the relationship should be but it is fantasy. You have been doing all the work and all the efforts right down to you proposing to him. I am going to guess you have been doing everything relating to this relationship while he has done nothing! With what went on with your mother again I am betting he did what he has always done with you which is nothing! He wasn’t there for you and I can’t even imagine how tough that was to have the stress of losing your mother and then to have to fight these people from another country! In all this you find out he has been talking to other people? What are you still doing with this guy? Even with the travel plans you are doing it all! Why not let him do it. You see no effort that he would even try because I don’t think he has any intention of going. To show such a lack of caring for you is huge and I don’t think you are going yo be happy with this if you sit and think about it. Move on with your life and don’t ever put that kind of one sided effort in with a guy. If he isn’t giving and putting forth effort that is not someone you want to marry.
When you’re at your lowest is when you find out who your friends/boyfriend really are. He’s not much of a boyfriend in my opinion.
Girl, you have been doing all these things alone already, what is he good for? This is so much more than ‘he doesn’t want to go to my mothers funeral’. He’s not there for you when you needed him most, you’re not his priority, your banging/enabling him, etc. you’re the one that lost your mother yet you are playing into becoming his mother. Choose to be with someone that you deserve and chooses to be with you through thick and thin. It’s asinine to expect someone to be their happy/bubbly self after their parent passed and dealing with all the stress you’re going through. Once you leave this relationship you’ll get there again
I am sorry you went through all this trauma.
It will be better for you in the long run to let this man go now.
It sounds like having him in your life has made the hard times harder, which is the opposite of what a marriage is supposed to achieve. I would not recommend marrying someone who only adds hardship to your plate.
When the going gets tough he runs away and plays video games. He’s not much of a partner.
Reread your post as if a stranger were telling you this story.
You would be absolutely horrified that this stranger would consider marrying this man.
You’re so focused on this funeral, but omg woman did you not consider all the other shit he’s done (or rather, not done) in your relationship.
If you want to tie yourself down to this…person…by all means. Be prepared for heartbreak and disappointment. You don’t want to be alone? You’re already alone in this relationship.
I’m sorry for your loss.
When my mom died a few months ago, my boyfried supported me so much. He listened, he was there for me, held me when I cried and was tolerant and understanding of my grieving. He hates crowds, meeting strangers, uncomfortable situations and wearing formal clothes. He went to mum’s funeral, rented a formal suit, talked to all my distant relatives and held me while I cried my eyes out. This is how a supportive partner looks like.
I am sorry for your loss. You are amazing – you managed to survive one of the worst situations life can throw at us. Your fiance is awful – selfish, self-centered, not emphatetic and unkind. Don’t let you mum down by NOT expecting and demanding a better treatment. You deserve better and your mum would want the best for you.
It’s not my opinion that you should marry someone who cannot or will not support you when you need it.
At 35, he’s old enough to know better, and he’s failed to meet your needs multiple times in your post.
The decision to stay or leave rests with you, and he’s demonstrated now what kind of marriage you will be entering. It will not change. And the resentment of this abandonment will grow heavier.
Please take care of yourself. You deserve a partner who is concerned about your needs.
this guy doesn’t sound like he likes you very much.
Your mother looked happy when you told her about the engagement, because she didn’t know what you would come to find out about his true character. If she knew what you know now, there’s no way a sane parent wouldn’t be frightened for their child to marry such a person. Your mom wanted you to be happy and have a happy future with a partner that would be at your side and care for you when life gets hard. That is not who your fiancé is. You would absolutely NOT be letting down your mom by ending this relationship. Quite the contrary!
I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’ve been dealing with. Your comment about “not letting your mom down” stuck out to me.
My dad died a month before the pandemic, and I had been dating my then-boyfriend for maybe 6 months at the time. He was amazing for the first month, and then his true colors (narcissist) came out. I stayed in that relationship for a year longer than I should have – and while the pandemic was a big part of why, I also realized I was hanging on because my dad had at least met him before he died. I had to go through a separate process of grieving the fact that my dad would never meet my future partner if we broke up. But I also realized that my dad would have wanted more than anything for me to be with a partner who truly adored me and treated me amazingly (as I’m sure your mom would). I’m in a new amazing relationship now, and while I’d do anything for him to be able to meet my dad, I have no regrets in the slightest.
i would never forgive my partner for intentionally not coming to my mother’s funeral. or for making me beg for it when i was in one of the worst periods in my life. truely, it would be an immediate breakup for me and we have been together for 10 years and i love him a lot. unforgiveable. it’s gonna be one of the hardest moment in your life and he plans to abandon you, knowingly and willingly. you can do better sweetheart. you are probably more lonely in this relationship than you would be single.
He’s telling you who he is. Believe him.
I think this all really depends on what you want in a lifetime partner. Do you want someone to do what he’s doing or do you want someone who is there to help and be involved? I wonder if you’ve told him how much this bothers you and what his reply was.
time to tell him you don’t intend to come to your wedding!
Losing a parent is something you shouldn’t go through alone when you have a partner. I have no way to know why he’s acted this way, but I would take it as this is who he is. He’s left the picture as your support system, and I just don’t know if I could forgive that. Along those lines, if you decide to stay with him make sure that you can forgive him fully, or you will always harbor this resentment and it will poison your relationship.
But, then, the way he’s behaved in all of this has poisoned your relationship. While you’re away from him give your relationship some serious consideration. He doesn’t sound like a great long-term proposition to me, but do what’s best for you.
If you only have a supportive partner when things are good and easy, you don’t really have a partner at all. He’s shown you exactly what he’s like when things are tough.
This sounds like one of those guys (sorry to generalize, but it’s usually men in this case) who will leave if you get sick yourself. And I’m sure there are other examples of this behavior that he’s shown and/or will show again.
As long as you’re in this relationship, you will be alone.
It would be far better for your mental health and wellbeing if you were alone by yourself, instead of alone with a man who isn’t treating you like he loves you. He will only continue to drag you down. End this while you can still make a clean and easy break. It’ll be hard, but you deserve better. If he can’t even support you through your mother’s death then he isn’t worthy of your love.
Friend, the second you get seriously ill (and you will, everyone does) he will leave you in a heartbeat.
>I love him so much.
Are you sure you really love him, or the *image* of him you have?
You may love him, but from what you’ve written, he doesn’t love you.
>He prioritized playing games and talking to random strangers online over me.
This is not someone you should marry. You will not let your mother down by refusing to marry this guy. She wants you to be happy and cared for, and loved wholeheartedly.
Your mom wouldn’t want you to stay in a relationship where you aren’t being treated right. Dont stay just because she was happy that you announced the engagement. She was happy because you were happy. You deserve someone who is there for you. He isn’t even doing the bare minimum. If he can’t even talk to you when you are actively grieving, he doesn’t deserve to be in your life.
I’m so sorry about your loss and all the grief your family has put you through. Something similar happened when my dad passed but I was too young to have to handle things, and was able to handle my grief in therapy over the next two decades. Never got any of dad’s ashes though.
The lack of support your partner has shown is cruel and not the actions of someone that loves you. Has he done *anything* to support you through this? Has he done anything to help lighten your load? How is your life better with him in it? Bestie, what *is* he bringing to the table, other than stress and more heartache?
Again, I’m so sorry about your mom, I hope you find your peace. 💜
I got to ‘he prioritized playing games over helping me’
*FUCK THIS SELFISH ASSHOLE*
He does NOT deserve you in any sense of the word.
I absolutely HATE telling people they should break up. I feel like most redditors jump straight to break up instead of therapy, buy *this?!*
No.
No.
No.
No.
*FUCK NO*
Absolutely not. Your fiancée is a child in a man’s body, and a selfish child at that. There is no *fucking way* I would let my fiancée go through something even a quarter as difficult as this alone. Nope. Dump this POS faster than a chunk of radium covered in dog shit with razor sharp pointy red flags sticking out of it.
Dude, l dont know you, but im pretty sire l wouldnt be the only one to support a fellow redditor if we could.
Your fiancé is suppose to ve there for you no mather what, what would happen if you get married, and he still acts like this? It would be too late for you. Dump him, you dont need this.
Im sorry for your lose, l wish you and your family the best
Is it traditional for the woman to propose where you are?
The only thing that would let your mom down is knowing you’re eternally bonded to someone who doesn’t support you. She didn’t just want to see you with any partner. She wanted to see you loved and taken care of and taking care of some one. This is not a man who is taking care of you emotionally or financially. The world is a completely different place than it was five years ago and many of us are very different people in very different places we expected to be.
You are in a better place in so many areas of your life. You can have a partner who is by your side through good times and bad. It’s okay to walk away from this if it’s not emotionally fulfilling anymore.
your SO is supposed to be your rock. Be there in the good times and the bad. if he can’t be there for you in your time of need then why the hell do you want someone like him as your life partner. No one likes going to funerals but you go there to support the people you love.
You don’t have a support system. That should be built in to a long term relationship. This man is untrustworthy with important life issues.
He is not marriage material. People tend to think love is about the bubly feeling in your stomach about a person. Nope it’s these moments, when you need to be the spine for someone to stand and pick up the pieces. He ain’t it sis.
i’m sure your mom was glad that you were happy enough with a relationship to marry, but now you’re not. most mothers would instantly disprove if they heard of his behavior. loved one’s opinions aside, it’d just overall be in your best interest to leave before you’re more committed with this man. you deserve someone who cares to be there for you in times like these. it’s not hard to see how sensitive times like these are for people. if he’s not here for you now, he may just have his values somewhere else. it’s devastating to hear how he has treated you during this time, i’m so sorry.
This is not the man your mom would want you to marry
Darling as a woman, you should never go in by your self, in difficult times when you have love ones.
Just think about it? Would you let anyone go through trauma by them selfs? Would you expect them to act like everything is okay? Knowing that they are going through an emotional toll?
You definitely know your answer. And you know he is not the person for you. Surround yourself with people that love you and support you.
I hope the best for you and your mother. Remember this is coming from a stranger. So ask your self how much more should you be getting support from the one that loves you?
Love your self more beautiful, my prayers to you and your family.
He wants to sit at home to jerk off and play video games? Honey, you don’t have a fiancée, you have a tall child. And you proposed to this scumbag? Jesus christ please dump him fast before this gets any worse and find a man, preferably one that YOU DONT HAVE TO PROPOSE TO. If a good man really loves you, he will do it. Any one that isn’t putting in ANY EFFORT FOR YOU NEEDS TO GET THE BOOT. No questions asked.
But I’m old school even though I’m younger than both of you. I will never accept a proposal from someone. The man is suppose to do that.
All women need to leave men that do idiotic things like this, not just you. Because you tolerated him playing video games like a little kid instead of supporting, loving, standing by and occasionally giving foot massages to the woman he loves, this sends a message to other men that they don’t have to do these things and creates a weird mother son dynamic relationship that I see a lot of nowadays.
If he was my friend (and no way that would ever happen because I don’t associate with losers) I would’ve ruined our friendship and start dating you myself if I wasn’t married already. These scumbags make my blood boil with what I hear them get away with nowadays. No class.
Why would you wanna be in a relationship with a man that doesn’t give two shits about doing anything for you in your time of need and at a low but in return you give up everything for him?? Sounds equal to you? . The relationship is not mutual, nor reciprocated, in any way shape or form….
Why the HELL would u want to stay, even with your emotions attached to him. Is it really worth it? Marry someone who will NEVER have your back???? Tho hard, You can always move on… but you’ll never get the time back the longer you stay.
Cute the man loose. He’s not doing anything for you in this difficult time. The bare minimum would be to show his face and be a shoulder for you to cry on. He can’t even manage that. I’m sorry but I think it’ll hurt more at first because you love him, but in the long run, you’ll be better off being a strong independent women with a man you can count on.
>I feel like I can’t salvage this alone
If your relationship is only being carried by one party, then there is no relationship. You’re already alone, why fool yourself into thinking otherwise? He does not seem to care.
You seem to have so much life and love to give, so don’t waste it on someone who does not care to grow up, and clearly does not care to support you.
He sounds like he barely tolerates you, let along can perform the basic functions of a decent partner.
Do you really want to be with someone you have to beg to have empathy for you?
Well some people don’t know how to handle death. But remember when people show u who they’re believe them. He left u alone during a difficult time, did give support or help on any way, was not even there emotionally for you. So let me ask you this what do you love about him???? Cause honey if he’s just good looking it’s not enough
I felt so sad reading this post, as if i could feel your pain in it. Your Fiancé doesn’t seem like a good husband-to-be from your description of him and you deserve better than that treatment. Even if it struck him and he realized what he has done (or what he hasn’t done), and an ounce of him truly felt bad about it, I don’t know if I could get over the notion that he didn’t automatically love you enough to support you through your time of need. I could not marry them after knowing they could watch me suffer and not want to be there for me.
You mentioned that your mom was happy when you got engaged. The reason she felt that way was because she just wanted the best for you. Even if she has passed on, she would still want the best for you so please remember that. Im sorry for your loss.
No man or person would ever let his partner he supposedly love go through what you’re doing alone. Please cut your losses and dump him. In fact move your stuff if you have any out of yalls apartment y’all are sharing and never look back. Please don’t even bother to listen to his excuse since there no excuse in the world to never not support your partner emotional, especially when losing a parent. You deserve someone who loves and honors you as a woman Walk away and don’t ever get back with him.