I was born and raised in a middle class healthy family while my friend’s parents got divorced and she had a more difficult life. She’s worked multiple jobs before and I never have until now because there was no need and my parents asked me to focus on my college instead.
So now I’m trying to graduate but it’s a little difficult because there’s a lot of work. So I complained about this to my friend and she told me i have it good and easy and have nothing to complain about. She even called me weak and I asked her why, because I don’t work like her? And she said it was because I wasn’t a responsible adult like her.
So now I’m sitting here thinking, what difference does it make to her? It makes me wonder if I have to fulfill some certain standards so people don’t think low of me and it’s kind of confusing. Sure I’ve been jealous of friends that had it better and worse than me but I never made it their problem and made them feel bad about it, or viewed them any less.
TL;dr: Friend called me spoiled and weak for not having to work unlike her.
11 comments
You’re fine. It’s your friend who should be worried about herself. The person who says to everyone “you have it so easy and I have it so hard” is a person no one likes.
Consider that being supported through college makes you among the most priveleged on the planet
She’s telling you in a very poor way that she’s jealous of the ways in which you are privileged, and wishes you could vent to a friend of a similar disposition who can relate to your problem because she can’t.
She’s rude and out of line here, but I have to say that I’ve been tempted to say similar things to more privileged friends. I think you should probably find other friends to vent to in the future and maybe think more on the things you should be grateful for.
Yeah you are. Like all you have to do is study and graduate. Everything is provided for you. So that’s literally all you have to do. And after that you will probably have an extremely easy and laid back job because you graduated college. So why are you complaining when compared to most of the people in this country, you have a good life.
Stop taking it for granted.
You don’t have to blindly accept other people’s expectations of you, but there are also minimums that responsible adults expect of others, especially to be seen as one. There’s nothing unreasonable about just wanting to focus on your education if you have that luxury, as long as you’re applying yourself and the perceived difficulty isn’t for lack of effort and awareness. That said, a four year age gap between the two of you, on top of her vastly different life and work experiences… that gap is wider than you think in a lot of ways, so be mindful of that.
That all being said, her response seems pretty petty and vindictive. OP, Is it possible you are a complainer, or have a victim mentality? That’s not present in your post, but that if that is something that presents in other ways, it’s worth considering.
This is hardly an insurmountable obstacle, but you’ve certainly gotta both be willing to step in one another’s shows and empathize if you’re serious friends here.
I’m going to get hate for this, but I don’t care. I think she has a point, though said rudely. You had it easy, had a support system that very few had, and possibly lack of experience of working for yourself because you wanted to on top of college but you didn’t. I think your an AH for complaining to a friend who you knew didn’t have your “wealthy privileges” you had and should have done it with one of those girls who lived similar lives to you so you could feel like a victim as it’s so hard to graduate and not work. 🤷♀️
I find these “if you are not poorest you are AH for talking about own issues” ridiculous. Even richest happiest people on the planet have stresses and pressures and will need to talk about them. That is just being human.
Never allow reddit or people to convince you that you are not entitled to be human, to have stress or problems, just because you was lucky and had good upbringing. Yes college and exams can very stressful and hard. Even if you are good student and have free education, the possibility lf failure brings stress. Students talk about it and are entitled to talk about it. It is good for mental health.
But, this friend is not the one to talk to. She is too jealous and when you talk about your issues, she primary thinks about everything that was better in her your life then her. You need to find someone who is willing to listen to your problems to vent.
Those 4 years might not seem like much, but 4 years out in the working world (on top of working earlier during school) really does make you feel a world away from the college mindset. Putting privilege aside, she’s in a different stage of life than you. You need to vent to your classmates instead of her. You can share other things with her besides schoolwork.
You may have more privilege than her but it doesn’t mean you don’t have challenges ahead of you. Your challenges and hers are different. She may have a point, but I think she said what she said because she’s probably feeling bitter and/or jealous as she has to work and her home life may not have been a good one.
When you’re complaining to someone who’s had to struggle more, it can trigger such a reaction, that’s just reality. Should she have said it? Ideally, as a friend, she should be supportive of you because you’re struggling, but realistically? She’s also human with her own sets of problems, she probably can’t relate to your challenges and she may also have been struggling herself but not sharing/complaining about it. You probably would fare better if you complain to people who are generally in the same boat as you are.
Tbh while what she said was a little harsh and rude, pretty much anyone growing up from a say lesser than background would typically have the reaction even if they didn’t make it known, to put some perspective in for you, I worked throughout all of highschool to support myself, I worked 5-6 days a week in school just to pay the bills and survive, and when I heard a kid my age crying “their mom didn’t get them the new iPhone, or daddy wouldn’t buy me a car, my parents won’t buy me a $3000 purse, or and this one’s my favourite,” my dad got drunk once and yelled at my mom so he bought me a car and pays all my gas and insurance.” As someone who had to steal food, pay all my own bills, grow up with an alcoholic father and Narcissistic mother, hear people with lives I’ve dreamed of having complain how what they have isn’t good enough, it hurts. It’s almost the equivalent of bragging about your lunch to starving kids in Africa. It seems cruel and unfair on our end because these are the kinds of problems we literally fantasize about having. You have no idea how many times I’ve wished my biggest problem in life is my parents not buying me a ridiculously expensive prom dress when the reality is I had to worry about whether I ate dinner that night. Your friend was harsh but it came from a place of hurt and jealousy. It’d essentially be the equivalent of if you were stressed about passing finals as it would shape your career, and a richer kid your age came to you about how her dad won’t let her take the private plane to the Hamptons. While you are worried about the next steps for your future, they’re problems seem minuscule because they’re worried about partying. While it might not be the exact same situation, college is a privilege for most people so to be able to go to college and more than likely have little to no student debt at the end of it, to complain about it would be like complaining your Ferrari has 1 inch unnoticeable scratch, most people would say well at least you have a Ferrari. You didn’t ask to be privileged and it’s hard, if you want to save your relationship I’d recommend apologizing, not for complaining but for if you came off insensitive as it wasn’t your intention. There’s no standard you need to be held to or anything like that but a good step forward is noticing and acknowledging where you have privileges and a general rule of thumb, don’t complain to people who can’t share the same struggles as you, it doesn’t always have to be down to the last detail. Everyone can complain about work, stress, weird things in life etc but not everyone is going to relate to things like(and this is purely example) not liking your maid, your custom car not being what you wanted, didn’t get the 10000$ bonus you expected etc, essentially don’t try to complain to anyone who would obviously not share in these problems as 1. It’s quite uncomfortable on both sides and 2. How would they even help they’ve never been in a situation like that to know how to help. Anyways best of luck OP and just remember pretty much everyone has some kind of privilege, just do your best to not take advantage of it and recognize how it’s helped you to get where you are today:)