Our relationship

I am a 19 year old female and he is 21 years old. We’ve been together for 3 years, long distance. Hopefully going to move in together soon.
No history of cheating or anything like that in case that is also relevant

NOTE:

I have not planned an all girls holiday nor am I going to go on one anytime soon. Same with my boyfriend, this is an overall conversation we have had where he has stated I’m not allowed.

CONTEXT ON FRIENDS:
I do not currently have a friendship group. My old one were mostly quiet people and my bf knows this and understands those are the people I prefer to be around. I know people who go clubbing every night for example and I don’t like that lifestyle whatsoever.

My boyfriend has a friend group, I do not know how large as he never goes into detail, there’s mostly guys but sometimes two girls join.
I don’t know which of his friends are taken or single, but I do know all his friends (or most) cheat on their girlfriends as my bf has told me this openly.

MY SITUATION AND QUESTION

Okay, so today I sent a video to my boyfriend I saw of a guy going on an all guys holiday and bringing a Lego character that looked like his gf. He documented his trip with the Lego character as if she was there with him, I found it cute and sent it to my boyfriend.
He eventually said something in response asking if I wanted him to do something similar, thinking the idea was weird and funny, asking “where would I even find a character that looks like you?”
I was in the bantering kind of mood and said “Lego store, just customise it. But don’t worry you won’t need one cuz you won’t go anywhere anyway”
To prevent wasting time on quotes, Our conversation went toward him saying he will go on a guys holiday if he wanted, whether I liked it or not, I couldn’t do anything. He could go right now if he wanted.
I said “same then” smugly.

And instead of the conversation ending or us going into endless banter, he told me it won’t happen. “You’re never going on a girls holiday” although with the context he wasn’t being rude or anything, I could tell he meant it.

I told him I could go if I wanted, he can’t have double standards. If he was allowed to go with all guys I should be able to go with all girls. If he didn’t want me going anywhere then he shouldn’t either, it isn’t one rule for me and other for him.
Thing is, he isn’t worried about cheating, which is what most people would be worried about. Due to the context I provided if anyone would cheat due to influences it would be him.
No, his issue is apparently safety.
As added context, I have been raped, twice last year. Therefore my bf is a little weird about me going places or being around any males.
He told me I wouldn’t be able to defend myself. “What if a guy started stalking you?”
I told him I would be with a group of friends at all times, I wouldn’t stray too far nor put myself in dangerous situations, and In the case of a hotel I will have hotel staff and cameras on hand etc
I also explained to him life isn’t always safe, but he can’t control everything I do as I actually need to live it.
He then went on to say he has authority over me and I’m his responsibility.
He also said he wouldn’t let his sister go on holiday with friends either.

I feel he has his heart in the right place, but I don’t like his mindset or double standards.

21 comments

  1. “He then went on to say he has authority over me and I’m his responsibility”

    do you agree with this?

  2. >>He then went on to say he has authority over me and I’m his responsibility.

    lol really? He’s not your dad. This is 2022. Beware moving forward with a guy who has the audacity to tell you that he has authority over you (you aren’t even married, and even if you were, he still wouldn’t). There’s no “not allowed” in a healthy relationship. There’s not healthy relationship in which one partner says “you’re never going to do x thing.” JFC, these people!

  4. You have actually met each other in person, right? I haven’t read the rest of the post yet, and I’m going to, but this struck me as strange right away

    >We’ve been together for 3 years

    >My boyfriend has a friend group, I do not know how large as he never goes into detail

    Okay now I have read the rest of the post and no, he doesn’t get to use your safety to enact his double standard.

    >He then went on to say he has authority over me and I’m his responsibility.

    Oh, and there it is, the HUGE GIGANTIC WILDLY RED FLAG

  5. Listen to me and listen good:

    ###You can do whatever you want, you don’t need his permission.

    He’s controlling and a misogynist and his heart is NOT in the right place.

  6. >He then went on to say he has authority over me and I’m his responsibility.

    Run.

    I don’t know how you get 3 years into a relationship without seeing this level of controlling, possessive, domineering behavior – maybe it’s not the first time, or maybe the distance has allowed him to hide it until now. But unless you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like your his property, you should run as far from this man as possible. This is a huge red flag.

    ​

    >He also said he wouldn’t let his sister go on holiday with friends either.

    This isn’t the Middle Ages, none of the women in his life need his permission to do anything and if he doesn’t understand that, I would be dropping him like a hot rock.

  7. Your boyfriend has zero authority over you or anyone besides himself. He is allowed to not want to be with somebody that wants to have their freedom to be a person. He is not allowed to impose that on you. That is extremely unhealthy. Needs to deal with his anxieties in a healthier way not by being controlling

  8. As soon as I heard the “I have authority over you” line, I would be laughing all the way out the door after I told him to F off and don’t contact me again.

  9. Put all plans on moving in together on hold, please.

    This is an “pink” flag (Today I read an article in huffington post about “pink” flags with are actions/issues/stances that indicate a problematic area that should be addressed and resolved before they escalate into red flag issues)

    Double standards build resentment and resentment is a killer of relationships. You and your boyfriend need to have an uncomfortable and serious chat about his comments, how they made you feel, as well as how his blowing off your opinions on this was an unacceptable way to handle a disagreement.

    More to the point if his response was a surprise to you, then you two don’t know each other well enough to move in together. You need to have more discussions about expectations from each other in the relationship in behaviour and communications, you need to discuss finances if you have not already, chore division, what happens if one of you gets injured, etc.

  11. “He has authority over you”???? Girl, do NOT move in with this man. His friends are all cheating creeps and he wants you to believe he is the only angel in this entire group?? Please take off your rose coloured glasses.

    ETA: I saw your comment that he was abusive in the past and that you fear living in a cage. Listen to your gut and don’t move in with him. His views on women are extremely problematic.

  13. He has NO authority over you. If you want to go on a holiday with girlfriends that is perfectly acceptable. This is a red flag.

  14. Honey, please get out of this. I was in an abusive relationship too and he also got meds and went to therapy and we had our little talks but after time together without the distance he went right back to hitting me. The damage is done. His” authority” he believes he has over you is his justification to abuse you again if need be. He hasn’t changed and this situation should be showing you that. Take it from me, I too was in an abusive relationship. He sees you as property. You will be in a cage with this pin head. You deserve better. This isn’t normal and these aren’t normal relationship arguments. If you need somebody to talk to who can empathize dm me. I hope you can see past the love you feel for him and focus on the facts because the facts are what’s gonna keep you from harm. I wish you the best dear

  15. I can see where he’s coming from. With how dating is nowadays, especially thanks to “hookup culture”, some women see an all girls holiday as a “green light to cheat” knowing her girls won’t snitch on her. It’s the same mindset that some women have about sleeping with male strippers at a bridal shower. “It’s the last night that I’ll be an unmarried woman, might as well get one last random d*ck before I have to use the same one for the rest of my life.”

    So, I’d say maybe talk to him more about it and even make sure to reassure him that nothing will happen.

    I know double standards suck, but as a guy I’ll be honest, during an all guy holiday he’s probably only have 1 brain cell. When guys are with their boys, we simply just get dumber. Sorry, I got sidetrack. Address the double standard of the situation, and if you guys have to, maybe set some rules up about single gender holiday?

  17. He’s not worried about you potentially being “raped”. He’s worried about you cheating on him then saying you were “raped” again.

  18. Sorry Op but that’s BS if he can go on a holiday with his guy friends then you can go with your girl friends. He’s being controlling. He isn’t your boss or your father and relationships aren’t dictatorships.

  19. He is being controlling using your safety as a justification. He may mean it from a place of love (he could also be being manipulative), but he is still trying to dictate what you can and and cannot do

  20. Don’t allow a dynamic of “permission” to enter any relationship.

    You can give him a notification of what you’re doing, but he can only stop you if YOU ALLOW him this power over you.

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