So my when wife gets really worked up over something, usually when she is driving and somebody is going slow in the fast lane, she will start raising her voice, speeding and swerving and it’s just really tense to be around.
And I often say “Ok, please calm down.”
And then her response will be, “Don’t tell me to calm down. Telling me to calm down does not make me calm down.”
And my response to that will be, “But I am validating what you’re saying. I am acknowledging you feel this way. That’s what OK means. You have every right to feel annoyed at the slow drivers because it’s annoying. But I am also asking you to tone it down. You need to de-escalate. We are in a 4000 lb vehicle traveling at 70 plus mph , the risk here for something to go wrong is high. At best it will be expensive, at worst it’s deadly. You have to calm down.”
“RWARRR!!!!!!” – her
lol…..
15 comments
My wife is this way behind the wheel too. I’ll never understand it. The most minor traffic inconveniences illicit the strongest reactions. I’m like, is that necessary?
Saying ok actually is not validating, it’s dismissive. Telling someone to calm down doesn’t make someone calm down. You could refuse to be a passenger while your wife is driving, and tell her she makes you feel unsafe in these situations, but you should know that what you said is not validating or acknowledging. What if someone just replied to this post with ‘ok’? Is that helpful to you in any way, or make you feel listened to?
You need to eliminate that phrase from your vocabulary. It’s not helpful. It upsets your wife. It’s invalidating.
Telling someone to calm down, has NEVER worked…
Take a deep breath
I’m confused. I see nothing wrong with what OP said, and yet most of the comments are saying that he’s at fault for invalidating her feelings?
Can someone explain fully how telling someone to calm down invalidates their feelings?
Clearly telling her to “calm down” gets you no where and can be a kind of ambiguous statement. Instead could you tell her what actual actions youd like to see her to do? Like “would you mind slowing down?” “It’s making me uncomfortable that you’re swerving like that, can you stay in this lane?” Obviously her not being calm/relaxed is causing her to drive recklessly. But now you have to deal with road rage in addition to the fuel you added to the fire. Sadly “calm down” isn’t a great deescalation technique even though we all wish it was. You have to learn to communicate to get your desired response.
I simply say to someone driving that way “Photon torpedoes activated, and phasers ready, Captain. Awaiting the order to fire.”
She obviously has a hard time being calm while driving under these conditions, so you telling her to “be calm” is dismissive. If it was easy for her, she would just “be calm”. Also, people can’t really think logically when they are experiencing intense emotion.
“I can see why you’re frustrated. Slow drivers in the fast lane suck. Would you mind slowing down a bit though? I feel a little scared going fast around so many crappy drivers.”
It’s not about soothing her ego, it’s about creating space for her feelings of frustration and anger. Usually when you allow the feelings to pass through, they resolve much faster.
If that doesn’t work, then you drive.
I mean who is more illogical is up for debate. Her for overreacting and her apparent road rage issues or you for knowing the phrase “calm down” escalates things for her, warranted or not and still actively deploying said phrase while she is actively raging and then wondering why said phrase doesn’t work (this time or any), and arguing with everyone that openly disagrees with you, that it should.
It seems like any logical person that actually wanted to de-escalate things would stop using a phrase known to do the opposite and the fact you haven’t means you don’t appear that logical and that you prefer poking the bear, lording your calm condescension over her as a way to kinda shame her over de-escalation and both of your safety. So, i mean really, you’re both the asshole in this scenario.
Dude. That’s like a top thing to never, ever say. ([Citation](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/most-obnoxious-things-you-can-say-to-your-wife_n_577c17c9e4b041646410f76f))
And I’m just as pissed at that driver as she is. Maybe try, “let’s outsmart that guy/gal together.” or “That sucks but it’s clear that he/she’s clueless and none of us are getting around him/her…so we’re stuck back here.” Or whatever. You get it on the validation.
I was ready to say that being told to calm down is the worst thing in the world, but driving like an unsafe maniac with someone else in the car is abuse. That’s the conversation you’ve really got to have imo
Why come on Reddit and ask when you’re not taking any valid opinions? You clearly just want people to tell you you’re right. There’s different ways of saying calm down without actually having to say it. Think a little and Exhaust your options
The couple of times my husband has gotten a little road ragey (he doesn’t get like crazy and swervy but will get unnecessarily close), I tell him that he’s making me anxious and the other person is not going to care or learn a lesson anyway and that I don’t want to be in the car if he’s going to drive like that. But I don’t say “calm down.” I frame it about my/our safety – he reacts well do it being about my safety and him making me anxious. He almost never gets like that anymore and just grumbles. I also pointed out a thing that happened recently where someone cut the other person off and the other person got a bit road ragey and then the person who was basically at fault in the beginning shot them. It’s not worth it.
Most people don’t calm down from “calm down” so try something else. And maybe talk about it when you’re not in the moment as well.
You must be the only person in the world that doesn’t understand why being told to “calm down” immediately pisses you off more. But that’s what you want, you are doing it to make her more mad.