My (29m) gf (27f) went away to see friends for the week. While away, my appendix ruptured and I had to go to the hospital for surgery. It was painful and a bit traumatic, though luckily it is a very safe surgery. My gf texted me a bit before and after but didn’t call because she was busy with friends. I tried a couple times too unsuccessfully. When she returned the next week, I mentioned that, going forward, I’d really appreciate a bit more verbal (if not in person) support if I something like an unexpected surgery comes up. She agreed and apologized, but also said she didn’t do anything wrong, she was just out of town.
Long story short: I’m having trouble getting over this and I’m feeling a bit unvalued. My gf told me if I can’t get over my resentment then we should take some time apart. It hurt, but she’s right that I didn’t ask for more contact and should have. My friends and family are not pleased with her, which has made things harder, but these issues are complicated. I guess what I’m looking for is perspective. Should I be concerned by her behavior or reaction? I plan to work on my communication, as it hard as it is, and try not to place my expectations of how to handle a crisis on someone else unfairly or with judgment. It’s been a really enlightening experience and I’d like to stay together if possible.
TLDR: gf went on vacation, I had unexpected surgery, she wasn’t very communicative, and I’m a bit concerned by it.
10 comments
She sounds like she really doesn’t care about you. If my partner was in the hospital for surgery, especially a scary one like an appendix rupturing, I would have cancelled my trip and come home, and if that wasn’t possible, I’d be facetiming and calling every hour. Yes, you should be concerned with her behavior, especially that she tried to play if off like you’re in the wrong for being upset.
Did you have family or friends come and stay with you in the hospital? If so, perhaps your girlfriend thought you had enough in person support? Either way it is a bit concerning that she didn’t call you or return your calls.
I wouldn’t be concerned by a one time offense. Yes, she should’ve at least called once. I’m sure that her friends wouldn’t have minded considering the gravity of the situation. But, I don’t think it’s anything serious that needs to end the relationship right now. If she does become a repeat offender, distancing herself while she’s with friends, then I would suggest reevaluating your relationship. For now, I think just expressing how it made you feel and talking about how the two of you can both better communicate with each other going forward is more than enough
How long have you been together? If I were her and you were my long term bf, then I would cut my vacation short and came back immediately to see you.
If we barely dated (a month?), yeah it would be hard for me to be so invested.
Regardless, she doesn’t seem too invested in this relationship.
Doesn’t sound like she wants to be your girlfriend anymore.
Her being unreachable after an emergency is a problem on its own but then she dares to suggest a break over your resentment? That’s the actual fucked up part in this imo. She should’ve been in apology mode, not this “let’s have a break unless you stop talking about it” bullshit. She sounds like having one foot out of the door already. If I were you I would focus on that part, not the vacation.
How long was her trip planned? How far away was she? In your communication did you ever ask her to change her plans? Did you tell her you already had support?
She absolutely did do something wrong whether she thinks so or not.
It’s not unreasonable for you to expect that she should at least call considering the nature of your emergency. Then to suggest a break (which is a breakup) if you “can’t get over it” is over the top
She is demonstrating that neither you nor the relationship are her priority and that your relationship is on her terms.
You are not in the wrong here, and it’s not your responsibility to ask for more contact. You’ve dated long enough that she should have been concerned enough to at least call. She wasn’t.
Mate, if something like this happened to my wife, I’d drop whatever I was doing and make it there to be with her.
Your gf exhibited extremely selfish behavior in this instance. Being as objective as you can, have there’s been other times she has come off as selfish, uncaring, or unsympathetic to you or to others that you’ve witnessed?
Ok, I read some of your other posts over the last couple of months.
End this. She’s not invested in you or the relationship. She’s obviously staying on her terms only and expects you to just live with it
Based on what I read about her not necessarily wanting to be in a relationship or monogamous, was she possibly with someone else during this trip?