Tldr: moms family is being cold and doesn’t talk to dad. And he feels bitter if they reach out to me.
Tired about it.
My family and I live very far from mom’s family – two different continents.
When mom was alive, mom’s family used to reach out every day and stay in touch.
But after she passed relationship got colder.
They stopped reaching out to my father and my father feels bitter about it.
Mom’s family reaches out to me here and there, asking how we are doing and my father keeps saying what did he wrong that they are being like this with him.
My father feels bitter because he thinks mom’s family should have done more with helping mom. Mom’s family helped financially during mom’s sickness and they contributed with mom’s funeral expenses.
From what I understood mom’s family feels bitter about dad’s marrying again.
It’s been a while since mom passed but this dynamic is wearing me out. I really wish mom’s family would reach out to my father instead of me.
My father says to not respond to anyone and to not talk to anyone.
For example there is a cousin of mine – moms side family – who has always been close to my father, and he has always treated my cousin as his son.
Now my cousin doesn’t reach out to my father anymore either. And my father feels hurt about it.
Was thinking maybe should I try to push and ask more about it? Although I don’t know smart this step can be. Also because it’s been years since this situation is been going.
Any advice?
2 comments
Situations like this can be very tricky. There can be dynamics going on that would never occur to you. The same could be happening with you dad. It’s best to avoid making any assumptions. What is happening to you can be a natural process, even if unfortunate. If you’ve always been the primary point of contact between everyone, then when your mom passed away, the tie between the two families can break down almost as a natural process. Your mom and you were the primary reason for maintaining contact as being off-spring and the child of that off-spring. It doesn’t even have to be malicious, just negligent, maybe a bit thoughtless.
If your father has remarried your family may feel it is a betrayal but they have to try to appreciate that there is nothing unusual in this. It is possible to love two people in a single lifetime and people need to be able to continue to have that personal connection with someone else. I don’t know what the state of the relationship was between your mom and your dad was before she passed away. If it was troubled then, the alienation will be magnified.
As well as suggesting that you suspend judgement I would endorse your mom’s family to do the same. People make mistakes and offend people without ever intending to.
I’m sure you feel like piggy-in-the-middle, trying to act as an intermediary between two warring parties. I believe it’s important that you remain impartial and make it clear to both sides that you won’t take sides with one side against the other, in either direction, that you can empathize with both sides but that you won’t be used by either parties. You have to make it clear to both of them that you are your own person and that they will have to accept your presence either literally or metaphorically as your own person with your own values, your own opinions.
Good luck to you, I know what it can be like.
What age are you and what’s your living situation? Is it just you, your father, and his wife, or do you have siblings (and are they older or younger)?
Given his age I’m assuming you’re an adult and that you don’t live with your father. Things will be a bit trickier if either of those isn’t the case.
I think it’s find and good to maintain a relationship with your mother’s side of your family. These are your relatives. They want to stay in touch. There’s no reason (that you know of) to reject that.
You don’t need to keep your father notified of all communication you have with your mother’s side of your family. It’s not his business and, if telling him just pokes at his resentment, it does more harm than good.
> My father says to not respond to anyone and to not talk to anyone.
His bitterness (which may be quite justified!) is not a reason for you to cut them off.
Now, you would be well within your rights to ask the people reaching out to you why they seem to have cut your father off, such as the cousin he treated like a son. That’s an entirely fair issue to raise with what used to be close family, who are still trying to stay close, but seem to be pushing away your closest living relative. Unfortunately you have the right to *ask* but you may not get a good answer, or you may get a clear and complete answer that you don’t like. Most likely both he and they are pissed off about things that they each see as the other’s fault, and there’s no clear single problem that can be cleanly fixed.
Your best bet is probably to a) encourage the family who are keeping in touch with you to try to patch things up with your father, because it’d be the kind thing to do, b) encourage your father to accept that if they do, because it’d be better than holding a grudge, and c) maintain your own relationships with each of them separately, and work on being okay with having family who don’t get along with each other, without making their grievances your own.