I’m 32 (M) and I’ve been divorced for a little over 3 years, but separated for 5. About 6 months after the divorce finalized I started trying the various dating apps to see about moving on and finding someone new. I’ve paid for subscriptions to a couple so I could see who has “liked” me, and Facebook dating shows you automatically, and the issue that I’m having is that I’m only getting “likes” from women who are not at all attractive to me. I am genuinely not trying to be an a-hole here – I think everyone deserves to be loved. But there are some characteristics that I know I want, like a certain level of fitness and health conscious lifestyles.
For a frame of reference, I know that I myself am overweight. I’m working actively on that. But my profile also shows me doing some rigorous activities like whitewater rafting, road biking, and hiking in the mountains. I want someone who can at the very least match that level of activity. Am I being an a-hole for wanting someone who is physically fit and adventurous enough to enjoy the same kinds of activities? Are my standards too high now that I’m over 30 and the dating pool seems to have limited options? What can I do to attract the kind of women that I want?
Edit: I think a lot of you have very different definitions of the terms, and I am honestly trying to not be offensive. I’m not saying that I want a thin girlfriend who’s always in the gym. I’m saying that I want someone who can at least match my level of activity and maybe even inspire me to do more.
Prior to my marriage, I was in a lot better shape. I biked at least 15 miles a day, even in winter. I was a rock climbing instructor and a lifeguard at summer camps. I was 6’2, weighing 180 lbs and I had so much energy that I felt like I could do anything. Then I fell in love with a young woman who was not like that at all. Significantly overweight, and she never wanted to do any activity that required physical exertion. Over the 7 years of our marriage I completely lost myself. She made me feel guilty about riding my bike so I gave it up. She forced me to sell my kayak, and I went from leading wilderness camps to not camping at all for 5 years. I put on 120lbs and peaked at just over 300 lbs.
In the last 5 years, I lost 75 lbs and got active again. I’ve been working on myself and trying to figure out who I am. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and had to start taking medications that caused me to gain back some of what I lost.
I’m not saying “ew fat girls” to those who are on the bigger side but still obviously active. But I do have a limit because I don’t want to go back to the lifestyle I left. My problem is that I am only getting “likes” from women who are like my ex or like I was during my worst years. I’ve talked to a few of them just to have conversation, but none of them have any interest in being physically active. One even said to me “the only exercise I do is walking around my house” – and that is just not what I want. So I’m trying to figure out how to get it, to find the right person who will match with me and enjoy life with me and not force me into a unhealthy life.
34 comments
My time on OKCupid suggested to me that every single person around me hiked and was active every weekend. You’re not finding the same? Unless you’re coming up empty for a long time I wouldn’t pay for an app. Pick one and like the women you like. Over enough time you’ll get some matches.
>my profile also shows me doing some rigorous activities like whitewater rafting, road biking, and hiking in the mountains
If you can do these things as an overweight man, why do you assume equally overweight women won’t be able to do them with you?
Also, you might want to try taking these “rigorous activity” images off of your profile. You yourself admit that you aren’t in great shape, and it’s as if you are highlighting the least appealing things about yourself by putting the focus on your body. Make your profile more about your interests.
Personally, I’m in pretty good shape and work out frequently, but part of the appeal of dating a heavier man like yourself would be that I’d assume he ISN’T into those type of fitness activities and we could connect on an intellectual level.
So you should either lose weight to become appealing to the women you are attracted to, be more open-minded about women who could have similar interests to you, or emphasize non-sports things about yourself since your body isn’t your best selling point.
if you’re overweight and can hike, why can’t an overweight woman with a similar BMI as you do the same?
You’re being shallow and a hypocrite.
You say you want to date someone that’s fit enough to enjoy the same activities that you, a overweight individual does. If you can do them, what makes you think these matches couldn’t?
You’re allowed to have your attractions and what not but don’t try to hide them behind some nebulous “fitness excuse”.
And keep in mind that the same way you’re judging these people, you’re probably being judged.
Well if you can do those activities when you’re overweight, then why couldn’t a woman? It’s clearly not just lifestyle but a physical attraction issue for you.
Yes, women who look fit (and I’m taking that to mean slender and “toned”) typically want men who look fit. I’m slender and fit – guess what kind of body I prefer in a man?
The advice to “be what you want” holds here. Want a women who isn’t overweight and looks fit? Yes, lose some weight then and get a fit body.
Lol seriously? You yourself said you’re overweight but have an active lifestyle. Why on earth do you think that’s not true of women?
Just come out and say you don’t like fat women. It’s fine to have preferences but don’t disguise it to be about health and lifestyle so make yourself sound noble.
You want to know how to attract women that you are attracted to? Look like the men they are attracted to. Lol
Everyone attracts people they aren’t interested in…the whole world can relate to that.
But what can you do to attract the woman you want?
It will help your cause if you can build yourself into the type of man that woman would be attracted to. You sound like you are on the right track (interesting activities, active life).
….but then you say you want a woman with a certain type of physique when you admit you don’t have the commensurate physique in return
Yes, women may not be as visually oriented as men are but if you want a woman with a particularly strong physique you need to also deliver those goods else you are a bit of a hypocrite who wants to punch above his pay
Should you lower your standards? Or should you elevate your appeal? ….maybe somewhere in between?
Personally…I know I am not at my best at the moment (also dealing with the loose ends of a divorce) and I won’t put myself out there if I know I am not currently the best version of myself. Because I also want a certain type of woman and I know she can easily command a certain type of man – so it’s up to me to be a viable competitor and not just another wishful thinker
I’m considered obese by the BMI but I am very athletic. I run, play softball, muay thai, kayak, raft. I also DIY house renos and can throw 50 lbs like nothing.
So.. you are being judgey. I get passed over all the time because of this but i also kinda understand what you’re saying. I don’tvwant an overweight unfit guy, but i know i won’t get a 6 pack abs guy either (don’t want actually.)
People are attracted to people who look like themselves and remind them of themselves. Think about what that means if they’re swiping on you. Look inward, beloved.
>For a frame of reference, I know that I myself am overweight. I’m working actively on that.
>What can I do to attract the kind of women that I want?
If you suspect the issue is your weight, but you’re actively losing it, then all you can really do is give it time.
It doesn’t really matter if you’re being an asshole. You’re not personally offending anyone by choosing to not match with them or pursue them. But you are limiting your options. So consider that. You’re asking the wrong question IMO.
Those things you’re talking about are interests and hobbies. No one is hiking in the mountains or white water rafting after work everyday, do you? I know a few women who don’t look like they’re in amazing shape but they climb mountains every damn weekend. And I’m talking full days of rigorous hiking (among other things they do.) I want to state that for the record.
A woman being physically fit and adventurous is what you want, which is absolutely fine but don’t talk about it like white water rafting and hiking in the mountains equals hot fit body. You admittedly don’t have one and you apparently do those things so…
to answer your question, yes! You’re being an a-hole and kind of a hypocrite. if that’s what you want, you need to step it up and match that.
***But there are some characteristics that I know I want, like a certain level of fitness and health conscious lifestyles.***
***For a frame of reference, I know that I myself am overweight.***
Why do you fail to see the issue? LMAO.
As a fit woman dating men, I can say honestly that an unfortunate common trend in dating men like you is the “ew fat chicks” mentality while they have a self proclaimed *dad bod*. They want a thin girlfriend who does yoga and has a super round squat booty and shit, like it’s a status symbol or something. These men pretend it’s “a healthy lifestyle” thing but they’ll *absolutely* settle for women who are thin due to genetics, even if these women are nonactive and eat poorly and do not treat their body well.
This isn’t because the guys are actually very healthy people themselves. It’s because having a Workout Influencer gf makes them feel better about the way they look.
Unpopular opinion: You are attracted to what you are attracted to. Online dating is hard if you have standards and really know what you want. It takes time. I’ve met a few great guys through OLD.
I don’t think it makes you shallow at all! I prefer a guy who is taller than me. I’m also chubby. So if I dont match with a guy who is short, what is wrong with a guy who doesnt match with me because I’m over weight? Please dont match with someone just because you dont want to be alone.
Edit: Personal standards is a better word choice. It’s always better to go into OLD with an idea of what you want. I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay. They can choose their own standard and ideal of who they want to date.
>the issue that I’m having is that I’m only getting “likes” from women who are not at all attractive to me
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>I know that I myself am overweight. I’m working actively on that.
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>Am I being an a-hole for wanting someone who is physically fit and adventurous enough to enjoy the same kinds of activities? Are my standards too high now that I’m over 30 and the dating pool seems to have limited options?
Many fit women might be looking at you the way you are looking at those overweight women. I myself am slim and fit, and 100% not attracted to overweight men, I like who’s similar to me in this regard. Why do you feel you are entitled to getting people who are not similar to you in fitness and body type?
>What can I do to attract the kind of women that I want?
Lose weight, take care of yourself more.
You say you’re overweight and want someone physically fit. This tells me that overweight women have shown an interest and you don’t find overweight women attractive?
Wouldn’t you think that a physically fit(slim) woman would judge you for your body?
This is one of those pet peeves of mine. You’re judging others for a body type you have. Like what you want.
Edited to just sum it up with: “I can be fat but you can’t be fat.” That’s what you just said in this post.
A rigorous activity once a month won’t make you fit. To match with active women, you probably need to be a) more successful aka six figures plus and b) more active yourself. Fit women are at the top of the pack and have their pick of partners; especially if they are younger than you. You need to offer something that interests them.
You should probably get further along in your fitness journey before old if you are attracted to thinner, more athletic women. The same way your are judging fat women, I’m sure these fit women are judging you. Nothing wrong with liking what you like but imo you shouldn’t be shocked by who is matching with you and if you want that to change you’re probably going to have to change yourself first.
Personally: when I adjust my expectations to be realistic I found someone.
We all dream of what we want. If you want to be with someone fit you’ll need to adjust first because someone who’s fit might say the same about you.
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You’re really going to need to cut weight to see some abs. It’s unfortunate but old is very superficial.
Even the overweight active women want to see a fit man.
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Have you tried doing meetups or joining a hiking/kayaking/whatever club? That’s probably the best way to meet someone else who enjoys the same activities you are so theoretically into.
I’ve struggled with my weight before and self confidence. When I am unhappy I tend to gain weight. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve been unhappy and lost myself in food. I gained so much weight at one point I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I’m not where my fittest was, but it’s taken me 3 years to get back to looking like myself. So I can tell, that the more fit and attractive I got, the more fit and attractive the men I attracted. So I don’t know what to say man, if you like fit and attractive women, get back to being fit and attractive so you guys match attractiveness, I think it’s pretty basic.
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Be true to yourself! I think you’ve had a self realization that your lifestyle needs to change and you want someone to match your beliefs. I’m on a weight loss journey and I know how my weight has impacted my overall well-being . I’m on dating apps and I’m am aware of what my type is. If I don’t feel aligned to connect with someone then I don’t and neither should you. Also you don’t have to lower your standards just because you’re over 30 that will probably lead to another divorce no offense. Stick to what you like!
My advice is stop obsessing over dating. Drop the subscriptions. Join a hiking club or rafting club. Learn about manifestation instead and stop acting like you’re pitiful for not finding a woman in your 30s. I’m a 32yo F and I met my boyfriend very recently, months after giving up dating apps and being determined to meet someone in person who enjoys the same things I do (trail running, Muay Thai, combat sports, lifting weights, etc) I pinky promise manifestation works but the more you obsess about NOT HAVING A PARTNER the more you chase any potential partner away energetically. You create your own reality. Wake the fuk up.
Trust me body will eventually get wrinkles, will get old but once character will not. I understand that physical compatibility is also one factor but should not be everything.
I would rather find someone who is well matured, kind hearted than someone who is a beauty queen with brain less than that of a toddler.
And if you are lucky enough to find someone who is ace in all parameters trust me no matter what don’t ever let her go !!!
And If you find some body who is presently not fitness lifestyle but is keen on exploring it I think you should meet her
I think you need to find a workout buddy and not a gf, and I say this not trying to be rude. It’s going to be slim pickings for you (no pun intended) looking for what you’re looking for at your weight in all honesty. Remember that your ex was like that because she possessed bad qualities (I almost said bad person but I don’t know the woman), just because the next woman you date may be overweight, that doesn’t mean she’s going to shun you for wanting to be active.
Maybe try finding a date from an overweight woman at the gym? At least then you know she’s into fitness. I don’t know man…
I feel like all of those TV sitcoms where the average looking guys got hot wives set you up for this reality check. My advice to you is to go back to the gym. Nobody is swiping on you based off of what you looked like before you got married, so if a visually physically fit woman is what you’re wanting best start working on you.
Also, as a woman who is the very definition of skinny fat, but one who probably fits the actual 💫aesthetic💫 you seem to be looking for, a lot of those women whose bodies you’re not attracted to could run circles around me at the gym. Or on the trail. Or in any other arena. Just a thought.
Yuck. This post is gross. I love how casually you try and blame your ex wife for your own weight gain (as if a bike and kayak are the only ways you could have maintained your figure lol). Also, are you really not attracted to overweight women? You claim your ex wife was one when you married her. I don’t think you’re being honest with us or even yourself here.
I am the “fit heathy lifestyle” type of women you’re looking for, and I would not (EVER) settle for someone who is 225-300 lbs. Sorry but that’s the reality, and you’re saying basically the same thing.
If you are realistically losing weight, you should just wait until you’re in better shape to get a better chance with people like that.
Also, women are less likely to put pictures of themselves doing sports/outdoor stuff.