My single mom is well off. I’m single and living abroad. My siblings are all married with children. One of my siblings (sister) lives abroad.
Whenever I visit my country, I bring a lot of expensive gifts for mom, my siblings, their spouses, and their children. My siblings give me gift money far less than what they received. My mom gives me generous gift money.
In the last visit, I gave her a full set of iPad (iPad+cover+pencil+protector all in Apple brand) but she gave it to one of my brothers. She also told me that I should give another one to my other brother in the next visit.
The sister who lives abroad doesn’t spend money on the gifts when she visits. My mom gives the same amount of gift money to her.
I calculated and I felt unfair. Why am I the person always giving? Why am I given the same amount of gift money? If I don’t give gifts, then I would save more money for myself from mom’s gift money.
I complained about this to my mom: It’s unfair. Why am I always a giver, and even asked to give more, compared that my sister doesn’t spend money.
My mom said, “Why do you compare you and your sister? Why do you calculate things? If you don’t want to, then you shouldn’t give things. Nobody asked you. I always talk to my friends about the gifts you gave me but I didn’t know you are so petty to calculate things like this.”
I don’t know. I feel unfair and wrong. Why is this?
8 comments
I agree with mom. You made the decision to buy gifts on your own. It was never a deal that both you and your sis should do so. So yes, stop comparing how she spends her gift money.
If you want to buy cheaper gifts, go for it and tell them you don’t have money
It was your decision to buy expensive gifts so dont complain
You didnt need to give them gifts and they dont need to get you anything either
It does sound like gift giving is a love language of yours and you are perceiving the monetary value of what you receive in some conflation of how much they value you or even that by virtue of your familial relationship that you are owed a certain displayed amount
Maybe remeber that people show love in different ways, and that this isn’t a reflection on their thoughts about you or your relationship
It’s really cool that you are giving everybody nice gifts. But generaly speaking, you shouldn’t expect ANYTHING in return. It might be hard at first, but if you get to the right mindset you will be happy with receiving anything all. Also, think about your sister. Maybe she isn’t making as much money as you do? Maybe she is struggling not only with money, but also with the fact that you provide more to the family than she does. I live in different culture so I cannot fully understand your problem, but in mine simple and honest “Thank you” is enough to balance out the money I spent on such gift.
think about whether or not the person receiving them will use them. Your mom is probably not too techy so she probably won’t use them, she’d rather give it to your sibling who is much younger than her.
Buy less expensive gifts if you want, don’t think about the price tag.
Ur mom was right:p
It is time to buy less or no stuff for your family. I mostly agree with your mom and others commenting about it being your decision.
However, the bit about your mom wanting you to buy more stuff for your other brother makes me wonder if there is at least some entitlement going on with your family. If you decide to give less to your family, be prepared for some pushback from them.
Also, as someone who didn’t have kids, I have learned that some people have the attitude that until you have kids, your stuff is everyone’s stuff and feel they have a claim on it. Is that happening here?
Feel like your family is asian