To extrapolate: I’ve seen people considering it a red flag if someone is more interested in not being single as opposed to actually wanting to date the person in question. How do you know if you fall into this red flag territory.
How it pertains to me: I’ve realized that the people that I’ve had some kind of relationship with were people who I didn’t really notice before they themselves expressed clear interest. Upon reflection, I don’t know if this is simply me considering them “in that way” due to new information that I didn’t have previously, or if I simply like the idea of being in a relationship more than I like the people expressing interest.
If it’s relevant, my dating experience is very limited, and the people in question eventually were the ones to initiate the breakups/cut contact after a time. I’m also 0for in dating success when I was the one to express initial interest. I’m just wondering if this means that I check off this “red flag”, or if this is something I should even worry about.
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Hmmmm. I think this requires a lot of self-reflection. I personally think this is less of a red flag per se, but more of an issue that’s harming YOU and hindering your ability to find a healthy relationship that YOU want.
Do you have a specific set of needs that you want addressed in a relationship? A series of traits you’re looking for in a partner? Ie, kind, open-minded, etc. Having these ideas in mind and mental checking them off when you’re seeing someone new can help you to figure out if it’s the broader idea of a relationship that you want instead of a specific type of relationship with a certain type of person. I hope that makes sense!
There’s two things here imo:
– Starting to like someone, or liking someone more once they’ve expressed interested. It’s called reciprocal liking and it’s nothing weird, totally normal, although some people are more sensitive to it.
– Wanting to be in a relationship *with them* vs just wanting to be in a relationship. I agree with what you’re saying, I wouldn’t want someone who only wants a partner, whoever they might be. The flip side of that is someone being perfect for you, but the timing is off since you don’t want a relationship at that moment. It’s a double edged sword imo.
I believe enthusiastic excitement about your authentic self is a good measure.
Where a person genuinely enjoys someone’s quirks or shortcomings. They don’t feel like anything has to be “looked over” or “tolerated”.
The other person isn’t asking you to change or morph into something completely different. They simply ask to be respected and appreciated in ways that you also enjoy. You two naturally compliment each other organically. Being together doesn’t feel like a job, it feels like you’re at home.
If someone is settling for the sake of being in a relationship, here is a lack of enthusiasm. The “excitement” wears off extremely quickly, if it was even there to begin with. The other person is always asking for a compromise or for you to change or mute something about yourself so that they can tolerate you. It’s more “work” to be with each other. You two don’t compliment each other, you just work to be functional together.
I think you’re incorrectly comparing yourself to a common and frustrating dynamic common in modern dating.
What people are typically describing is their frustrations with dating people that have tons of ego, arrogance, and entitlement. They enter relationships with an “impress me”, “what am I getting”, approach to relationships. That is often read as lack of enthusiasm by the person who is obliged to impress or give in those relationships.
Your situation strikes me as different and I may be incorrect. However, it sounds like you’re having difficulty getting excited for anyone. The people I’ve met in my personal life who have this issue also have difficulty finding fulfillment in other aspects of their life.
I may be way off base, but if you find yourself also unenthused with your place in the world, familial relationships, friendships, your career or career choice; it may be a sign of other personal issues at play.
It’s a red flag to use somebody for attention, distraction, self-aggrandizing esteem boosting. Therefore, it’s a red flag to use a relationship with anyone who will ride with you in order to gain from that relationship your selfish needs that being single makes it hard for you to get.
Simply put:
Do I enjoy myself around them?
Do I find them attractive – want to have sex?
Do I look forward to time together?
Do I feel that they are interested in me?
Is my life better with them in it?
Yes to these, yes to a relationship. Do I need a relationship, no. Would I like one, yes, but a healthy one. I wouldn’t overthink it, if you’re enjoying things with someone and don’t have gut feel or anything like that, then why worry.
Some people are in love with the idea of being in love. So, they overlook obvious behavior issues, they overlook a lack of attraction, or they think they can change someone to become their ideal partner.
That’s the difference. One is trying to artificially manufacture the relationship, the other is being attracted to the person for who they are.
I mean I have never been in a relationship for the sake of having a relationship since I was 13.
At 13, you are stupid and having a boyfriend seems cool so I got a boyfriend.
But in my adult life, I have never desire a relationship for the sake of one. It’s always because I really like the person or I have no desire to be with anyone at all.
I guess it’s just being self aware.
I am crystal clear about the qualities I’m looking for in a partner, including the things I am willing and unwilling to compromise on. This makes it so I don’t really even consider dating the people who aren’t a good match for me. I could easily be in a relationship right now with some pretty great guys, but they were all missing qualities that put them directly in deal breaker territory. I want a relationship, but I’d rather be single forever than in the wrong relationship.
Get clear now on exactly what it is you’re looking for and don’t settle.
Some basic red flags I consider when evaluating this:
– they jump from one relationship to another without sufficient time alone in between, especially if I’m the next one after a break up
– related to the first one, the Mosby factor: them moving too fast and telling me they have strong feelings when we don’t even really know each other
– they don’t seem interested in getting to know me, just spending time with me (or anyone). This usually comes out as asking to talk/hangout often, but not trying to get to know me when we do
– they’re changing themself to fit into my life, like pretending to like the same things (for example, music or hobbies) or changing their values/habits (for example, liking going out/working out when finding out that’s what I like)
– telling me how lonely they feel or what a good partner they are when in a relationship, kind of like they’re trying to sell me the idea
Edit: lines
It’s okay to consider someone differently once they’ve expressed interest. That’s a documented phenomenon, and I’m guessing it helps that we can been less worried about rejection.
Signs of a relationship-obsessed person rather than someone dating in hopes of finding the right person:
* they’re serial monogomists and almost never single for long
* they get really interested really quickly and want to move fast–before they can even really get to know you as a person
* they bring up the future a lot early on (again before they’ve gotten to know you in any substantial way)
* they tend to see much less of their friends/cancel plans with others in early dating
* they don’t ask a ton of questions about you or remember much about what you tell them
* they have a really idealized image of you that likely doesn’t totally match reality or allow room for you to be human or surprising/different
Definitely reflect honestly on how you’re approaching things, but from what you’ve written here I don’t get the impression this is what you’re doing?
Why do they have to be mutually exclusive? I would like to be in a loving and supportive relationship with the right person. It’s OK to want to be in a relationship/not want to be single. It becomes possibly problematic it’s addict when you are willing to overlook major red flags and incompatibilities And/or don’t really like the person all that much. Just because you’re looking for a pair of good tennis shoes or your dream home, doesn’t mean it doesn’t mean you have to be willing to settle for something that isn’t a good fit. If you are willing to settle, that could be a big problem for both you and the person that you’re with.
Well, since I know myself best, I will speak from my experience. I recently realized I had a deep desire to be in a relationship. Sometimes it had a focus (person), and sometimes it was just not wanting to be alone. I was on only child, with a single mother who worked odd hours, and was home alone at night. I was afraid. All. The. Time… That fear of being alone led to a life of being a people pleaser, and not having any needs of my own so I wasn’t disappointed. Started therapy, and finally realize that fear about a breakup, or of being alone, is MOSTLY just a PTSD response from some childhood neglect. (My parents loved me, I don’t blame them, but they thought I was fine, because I never complained.)
I have a nice story about this. The man I am dating was dating just for casual fun, sat down at the table on our second date and proclaimed he wasn’t looking for anything serious. That was fine with me. Here we are ten months later, exclusive, he’s lovely. I take it as huge complement.
Are you male or female ? (I’m thinking about the general frequency your are asked out)
I guess I’m in the ‘fortunate’ position of generally being less keen on my dates than they are on me. However , When it’s right, I know and they’re in my head a lot . Not sure if that’s just me … but if you’ve had that feeling before you’ll know what I mean .
Wanting a relationship, at all, is the necessary predicate to the second step ever existing.
If every time you’re the one reaching out you fail, either re-evaluate whether you’re any good at making the first move or whether the people you’re attracted to are generally way out of your league.
I’ve had this concern for myself as well, and I have definitely been burned because of it in past relationships. I’ve overlooked things that should be dealbreakers, or accepted poor behaviour when I shouldn’t.
My big challenge is to identify who is great for me, rather than just who is “okay” for me. A lot of it has to do with self confidence, because you’ll accept a lot more if you think you’re worth less than you actually are – being in a relationship with anyone just because you can be something for them (and damn your own feelings) is no way to do it.
I’ve begun looking a lot more critically at my partners. It sounds bad to look at the negatives, but these are the things I’ve been willing to look over in the past – just taking the first person that came along and showed interest in me has left me a bit bruised.
For me it took getting a divorce.
Ex-husband was very critical and controlling, and we lived in a loft apartment, so I literally could not get away from him. It felt like he was watching my every move, criticizing how I spent my time and how efficiently I did things. We could only watch the shows he wanted to watch or listen to the music he wanted to listen to, etc.
When we finally broke up and I got to live by myself, it was such a relief. Now I absolutely cherish my time alone where I don’t have to answer to anybody or have anyone critiquing what I do. Realizing how much I enjoy that solitude really puts into perspective who I want to spend my time with and why. I’ll notice on dates sometimes that I’ll just find myself daydreaming about how soon I can get home to my own bed and curl up with a book. That’s generally a pretty good indicator that I’m less into the person than I am the idea of a person, even if they seem great in theory.
I’m personally in this case, where I’m looking for a relationship. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna settle for anyone. It’s more like an end goal and a way to make sure I don’t end in a situationship.
You need to know what you want, and if someone doesn’t match that, you shouldn’t give them a pass because [XYZ excuse]. Even if someone is interested in you, doesn’t mean they’re right for you.