I don’t even think I can be categorized as having social anxiety, most people mistake me for an extrovert and I can usually carry a conversation quite normally. Nonetheless, I am filled with dread every time I think of doing things like going on dates, starting new jobs, meeting new people. I have missed out on tons of experiences due to this whole complex and I fear it will be my demise. I just feel like I look so weird and out of place and that everyone can pick up on how awkward I’m being. Kind of like a deer in the headlights if that makes sense? I carry a lot of shame and I thought “fake it till you make it”, would fix my problems, but all it did was teach me how to mask them.
I’m starting a new job in two days and I wasn’t very nervous until I found out some people I know from school work there already. For some reason it actually makes me more anxious knowing there will be familiar faces there, which I do not understand since I am not even particularly close with them. I just get scared thinking about the way I am perceived and feel that I overcompensate by being extra nice and it can be really draining. I am also starting university this September and am scared of all this too. I just feel so embarrassed when I get a sense of something being awkward, or eyes being on me. I would like to get better as it has really had an impact on my quality of life. Thanks for any help.
2 comments
Some of your symptoms are consistent with Avoidant Personality Disorder. Though I would say, you are doing very well. I am not saying you have AvPD. I can’t say that, I am no therapist. But as someone who suffers from it, I can say AvPD is characterized by high anxiety, shame and low self-esteem. There is even a reddit sub for it.
There’s a concept called “toxic shame” which essentially encapsulates everything you mentioned here. It’s a sort of rot, at your core, that undermines you in every single way. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-shame/
I disagree with their assessment of what could fix toxic shame btw. In my opinion, these are better solutions:
1. Figure out why you hate yourself. Or if it isn’t hate, then figure out exactly what you’re ashamed of. Is it your appearance? Or body language? Do you not trust yourself to be competent in unfamiliar situations (like work or school)? Are you basing your self worth on the feedback you get from other people (positive or negative)? Etc.
2. Educate yourself and develop hobbies & interests. Give yourself hard proof of how good you are at something, by spending time on it and achieving some level of excellence. If nothing else, by spending time working towards a goal, you’ll be able to say about yourself, “I have a good work ethic. I am driven.”
Be wary of building your identify around being the nice one, or even identifying with this shame and awkwardness. We currently live in a society that actually encourages people to attach themselves to this, rather than to fight against it and overcome it. But you can get rid of this stuff, you can improve yourself, and you’ll be SO much happier when you shed all of this dead weight.