I think my (41F) husband (52M) is going through something and it’s been going on for a while now.
At the end of 2019 he has sold his business he has been building a small empire since before we’ve been together, like since 2008 or something.
We have been together for 9 years now and have 2 young kids together.
He’s always been a workaholic and hasn’t spent much time at home with me and the kids but he said that was going to change at the end of 2019 when he sold.
We were set to move down south in the UK but he then had a change of heart and (impulsively?) announced one night that we should move to Spain in stead!
He’s never liked the Spanish and doesn’t speak Spanish either, so why move there?!
He showed me some gorgeous villas with literally everything in it and around it and a great school for the kids at walking distance – so why would I argue right?
Not that it would’ve made a difference as he never really listens to me, but that’s a whole different rant.
So he bought a villa after seeing it once in March 2020 and then lockdown happened of course so we were stuck in the UK, him without work for the first time since forever.
As soon as the lockdown lifted in July we made the move to Spain.
Two months in he realised he’s made a mistake, as the taxes are ridiculous, he can’t work (pre and post brexit as we discovered later on), and he can’t speak spanish and refuses to learn. Of course this isn’t his fault, although he didn’t really do his homework on it even when I warned him about the taxes!
Me and the kids were perfectly happy there and were settled in nicely, and it’s like he resented me for it.
After a year of listening to him being miserable in paradise and complaining on a daily basis, I told him that something needed to change or I wanted out.
That I couldn’t deal with his negativity anymore! Like, we’re living in a literal paradise in a villa worth millions, the kids haven’t missed a day of school during a global pandemic AND we didn’t get ill. Please be fkn grateful!
So then the next week he wanted to go look at houses. To show me what kind of house I would be living in with the kids if I were to leave him.
Ehm… wtf?! Is this him giving up??
I still don’t know what happened there…
In July of 2021 he decided he needed a rhinoplasty to make his nose smaller. By now we’ve already decided that we need to sell the villa and probably move to Dubai.
Or back to the UK.
Well, I told him I’m not going back to the UK as I don’t like the post Brexit situation as a European and I like a warm climate (again I felt the resentment). So Dubai then, so he can work. New nose, new life he said.
He didn’t follow the post-op instructions and his nose collapsed as a result and is droopy now. He needs a reconstruction or whatever it’s called because he’s obviously not happy with it, but now with the face masks etc he can hide it in plain sight, so no rush there.
In August he decided that if he wants to land a job in Dubai he needs to start practicing again and since he can’t work in Spain without a licence, he’ll go back to the UK. Good talk, NOT. Just a unilateral decision.
September comes, kids go back to school and husband works in the UK for 3 weeks, comes home for 2 days and is gone again for another 3 weeks.
When the kids are off school because of holidays etc he’s home for longer stretches but this is the new tune.
In October he comes home with the news he’s received and accepted an offer on the villa – *3 weeks ago*.
Like, wtf?!
How can you not share this potential life changing news, with your wife??
He only told me because I needed to sign the power of attorney for the sale!
The sale fell through and eventually in February we did sell and started planning for Dubai.
Then in April he sneaks off in the evening to go get money from the ATM. But he was funny about it… so I asked him the next day.
Turns out that he went to see a GP because he found a lump in his scrotum!
Also potentially life changing news not being shared with me??
You can see the trend?
People say it has to do that he was sent to a boarding school when he was 12, but he is a grow ass man now!
Is it a midlife crisis where he discovered he so strongly identifies with his profession and that he can’t possibly be anything else, like a spouse, a partner or a parent?
Anyway, we are now in Dubai and he finds out he needs to pass an exam to get his licence here to work! Why does he keep putting himself in such predicaments?
So the stakes are higher now as he has landed a job and based on that has a visa. Because of this he can sponsor us, his family.
Thus failing the exam, is bye bye job and visa for all of us.
So now he’s stressing out about this and is just more unpleasant to be around. He’s been shouting at the kids since the lockdown so that’s now their thing: “lets not tell daddy, or he’ll shout at us”. It breaks my heart.
It’s not like I’m a complete idiot either. I have a PhD so he can discuss things with me like all my friends do if they need advice or another POV.
I’m working on a side hustle now so if sh*t really hits the fan, I will be able to provide for my kids and he can do whatever he wants as it won’t affect us in the ways it does now.
He never takes me seriously anyway so when I told him about my side hustle but he just laughed at me and told me it’s cute I have a little dream.
Can anyone shed some light on what’s going on here? Midlife crisis, brain tumour, making himself so unpleasant that I will walk away so he isn’t the “bad person” walking away from his family?
Thanks for reading my essay.
TLDR: husband is acting like an a-hole while making impulsive decisions affecting our whole family only to discover later it was a bad call but will never take the responsibility. Why is he doing this??
4 comments
All of these things are big unilateral decision made without you which is bad but then you just kinda…go along with it and don’t say anything?
I mean, people treat you how you let them and this doesn’t sound like a new dynamic. He doesn’t view you as an equal but as “a wife”, I’m not sure what culture you are from but if that’s the typical dynamic then he’s just doing what is expected. The fact he’s older and a high earner also brings to mind the trophy wife dynamic where he’s the boss and you’re along for the ride.
If this is always how he’s treated you and you’re just being bothered about it now that’s different than this being a sudden change and it’s not really clear if that’s the case or not.
Only your husband knows why he does the things he does, so ask him? Also, what would you like to happen here? Do you want to stay with your husband?
What do YOU want? Is this the kind of life you want to live? This man obviously makes decisions very impulsively. The fact that he doesn’t consult you proves he doesn’t respect you as an equal partner. He married at an older age so maybe he has just been too independent for too long.
Why are you just going along for the ride? You are an equal partner and as such, you should be speaking up all the time. The “surprises” such as taxes in Spain and the need for a license in Dubai were only surprises because you did nothing to check out things ahead of time. He is not rational right now and you know that by now: You need to step up and provide guidance. Your kids are being dragged around like popped balloons while your husband takes life changinging stabs in the dark!!
Your husband sounds like a deeply unhappy man. Maybe just a mid life crisis, but maybe just a guy trying to break away from the life he feels stuck in. Between the mention of a house for you if the marriage fails and a nose job for him… that sounds to me like he’s preparing for an exit. You need to immediately take steps to protect yourself, your children and your assets.
Edit: you will be better able to protect yourself and your children if you are NOT in Dubai. I wouldn’t go.