Long distance and not official. Very strong chemistry and friendship. I wanted a relationship a while back and she shut it down. After a while of more time and getting closer, I asked if she’s ok with it as an eventual possibility or a hard no. She said she had feelings too and we could see where it goes.
I’ve planned to see her and she wavers between wanting it and indifference.
The most confusing part is the amount of time we spend talking. We text whenever we’re doing stuff. She calls me every time she’s free. We spend 4-8 hours talking, we fall asleep together, we joke, we talk about things we never tell anyone else, we even just keep it on while doing other things.
What does that amount of time mean? To me it’s so intimate I can’t imagine it would mean nothing to her.
We can’t talk about feelings. She freezes.
And while I believe she doesn’t want a relationship I can’t tell if she just needs more time, or already knows I’m temporary.
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Chemistry is not compatibility. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. Mixed signals is your answer.
She’s stringing you along. She may not be emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
Move on.
She sounds emotionally unavailable or seeing you as strictly casual tbh
In the past I’ve been able to do all those things and give the complete “boyfriend experience” without every considering myself committed to anything past casual for that person forever and ever
Of course if I were in your shoes I would make my best effort and try to win her over with the caveat that she might already know what the ending is
Good luck
She wants validation, attention, and the comfort of someone to talk to, but for whatever reason, does not want to a relationship with you. I don’t think time will change anything besides you potentially becoming more attached and hurt.
The mixed signals she gives off makes it seem like she’s not into it as much as she maybe says she is..
Sounds like you liked you as a friend
Mixed signals 🚩🚩🚩🚩
The amount of time means nothing. If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a no. Especially with the distance she’s likely just stringing you along until she finds better, you find better, or one of you decided to pull the plug.
Also maybe she’s just spending hours talking to you bc she has the time. It makes her feel wanted and validated and special. But that doesn’t mean she wants a relationship. If she wanted one with you, she would be with you.
Speaking from experience with this sort of thing, you need to distance yourself from her. Giving her time won’t make her change her mind. If she wanted she would be for it already. Don’t break your heart further thinking time will make a difference. It only makes the hurt deeper for you. I’m sorry she doesn’t feel the same, but you have to accept that now and try to move on.
Came back to say that- sure, go through with the visit. But don’t have any expectations of it changing her mind. Her mind is already made up and you’re just emotionally torturing yourself thinking you can change it.
It sounds like she wants to roleplay being in a relationship but doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship. She probably craves attention and likes the gf-experience of texting/flirting/etc, but doesn’t actually want to commit (out of fear or some other reason).
>I believe she doesn’t want a relationship I can’t tell if she just needs more time, or already knows I’m temporary.
Turn that belief into a fact but asking her outright. If she’s still uncertain or indecisive then it might be time to pull the cord, cause she’s already indicated a few times that she doesn’t want a relationship.
>What does that amount of time mean?
It just means she likes companionship and attention. Which is normal, all humans want that. But that’s not an indicator that someone wants a long-term relationship.
She likes you as a friend, but isn’t attracted enough to you to want a relationship. Attraction isn’t something anyone can control, they either think you’re hot or not.
Did she say why she shut it down before? If she’s talking to you that much I don’t you mean nothing to her. She may not have been sure about the distance, there could have been something else, she could be afraid of getting her heart broken. All you can do is talk to her
I had been dating someone long distance who wasn’t over his ex. I shut it down over that to protect myself twice. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him, I absolutely do, but I felt/feel like he needed to deal with some things before he was really ready for me. I *still* hope he can handle some things and we might end up together. I couldn’t see him right now because I know I feel too strongly and wouldn’t be able to resist slipping back into intimacy if we were face to face. I stopped talking to him because it started to be painful that we couldn’t be together. It wasn’t a lack of caring though, it was protecting my own heart. Could it be something similar for her?
You’re only going to know by communicating directly.
Ah, damn. This sucks. I’m sorry. I’ve been here before and it’s the worst. It’s awful because they keep saying things that people in their right mind would realize are heavy and carry responsibility. But they’ll never take the responsibility.