This time last year, I was making $80k and he was making $60k. I don’t care who makes more than whom, but just to give some context. I was in the best shape of my life, running miles every morning with my dog. My husband and I had a rough patch in 2020 and I moved out, but we rekindled in 2021 and got unexpectedly pregnant. After being together for 10 years, and riding the high of fixing problems in our marriage, we decided to keep the baby.
Pregnancy was horrible and my bosses were not happy I was pregnant. I worked 50 hour weeks all the way up until 2 weeks before birth, where I took leave because I didn’t want to stress the baby anymore. My husband said he got everything approved from work to get paid to be home for a few weeks of paternity leave.
His work decides to fuck around about paternity leave, so that was unpaid. Then, his work downsizes everything and he loses his job. Now we have no income because I just gave birth and can’t go back to work. Two weeks after birth, his truck gets stolen from our driveway at night and wrecked. All it needed to be functional after this was a new tire and catalytic converter (this is important). This was in February.
I tried to go back to work early but the company “downsized” and cut my pay and hours, and upped my work responsibility, aka I set everything up to run smoothly in my absence and I was the highest paid employee so they wanted me gone now (in the middle of a discrimination suit against them). So now my work/stress isn’t worth it anymore and we essentially have no income.
Husband finds a job making $80k in a city a few hours away. With no choice, we decide to move only a few months after having the baby and now we have zero savings and only a few hundred in the bank.
My husband never took his truck to get fixed until THE NIGHT WE MOVED, the end of June. He dropped it off at a mechanic at 11pm and we drove away. I protested for months and told him I didn’t want him using my car.
After a couple weeks of nonstop complaining, he agrees that him using my car and leaving me and the baby without transportation in a new place isn’t good. I have no friends, I don’t know where anything is here, and I’m trapped in a 5-block radius with a screaming baby. My mental health has taken a serious toll and it’s like he didn’t even care because he’s “trying” (not really though). He hasn’t even helped me unpack anything in the house and refused to let us get movers, so everything is still sitting in our garage. I physically cannot move a lot of it on my own and I haven’t recovered enough from birth to safely move things, WHICH HE KNOWS.
Well, he pulls out in front of a car and gets t-boned and totals my car. So now we have no cars. My insurance is fucked, we don’t have the money to afford this. We just moved. And he recklessly and selfishly behaved this way, knowing I’m drowning at home as it is.
I know he’s sorry, but I just feel numb. All of my fears of us getting back together have resurfaced. And now I’m trapped with the baby. At home. As a SAHM. Something I never wanted for myself. I love my baby so much and I’m so happy he’s here, but I don’t know what to do right now. Despair is all I feel and I think our marriage has been irreparably harmed.
17 comments
Do you have any family members who would allow you and the baby to stay with them? It sounds like you need some additional support, and maybe some space from your spouse?
Oh my gosh! Usually I have no shortage of words or advice .. but dang, the circumstances here are wild. Like, you were prepared, and all these random things… (well his irresponsibility is in his control, but we all have strengths and weaknesses and I’m sure he brings many positive to the table). I’m just sorry all this happened. It will pass and you will have a happy new Era soon.
Wow, that’s a lot to have to deal with; especially with a partner who continues to drop the ball on his adult responsibilities. First of all, your husband needs to find out what’s happening with his truck. You need at least one vehicle. Are you going to get anything from the insurance company from your car? Can you finance the repairs needed for his truck? If he won’t do the work, you may have to arrange the repairs and financing.
Second, If you need to get out of the house during the day, take him to work (and pick him up) so that you can have use of the truck. Take a walk around your area and get the lay of the land. Getting outside with your baby is good for your mental health and healing anyway.
Third, get that house in order. If he won’t help you, can you afford to hire someone to help you unpack and put things away? If you can’t afford help, ask him to move the boxes to the appropriate rooms so that you can unpack a little at a time. Set a timer for 10-15 a day or a couple times a day and get to work.
Fourth, can you get a work from home job or a job on the evenings and weekends when your husband is home (if he works an 8-5 job).
Fifth, take care of yourself; drink water, eat regularly, sleep when you can. Take care of yourself and a baby. Hubby will have to start taking care of himself. He needs to learn how to adult and learning to care for his own basic needs is a good start. If he won’t pull his weight, then he shouldn’t ask for anything while you’re doing all of the work.
Sixth, reach out to your family and friends. Is there anyone who would help you get back home if you decide to separate? Is there anyone you could live with temporarily?
It really seems like you feel stuck, which is understandable, but knowing you have options may alleviate some of the anxiety you’re feeling. Just from reading your post, I can tell you’re quite capable and responsible. Taking the first step is hard and overwhelming but the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll see yourself making progress. You can do this!
Sounds like a series of bad events. You live in a city, is the public transportation good? Perhaps some family would be willing to repair his car? Things will look up soon, try to hang in there.
Well that is an unfortunate string of not great circumstances. But first, congratulations on having a baby and congratulations on him getting a job! Those are awesome. I think y’all need to check out some counseling to try to work through some of these issues. Sometimes guys don’t really see things as a problem until they are a problem. In his mind he doesn’t need to fix his truck because y’all have another car. He doesn’t feel the need to unpack right away because y’all are able to make it work like it is. Here is what helped me see these things: make a list and post it where he has to see it or have him program specific times in his phone for specific events. Let’s say every weekend he spends a couple of hours unboxing some boxes. Divide up the chores. This is going to be a hectic time for you both. New babies and new jobs are going to stress both of you out. Especially your nerves are going to be shot. Our last pregnancy turned out to be twins and we thought we were never going to get back to normal again. They are 5 now so we made it out of the baby phase!
We don’t know why you left him before but something to consider is if he is falling right back into the same routine as before. I’m not judging your marriage but from what you are saying he seems unconcerned about issues you feel are important. You need to bring those up and ask him when would be an appropriate time to have those things done. But also give yourselves some time to just relax. Your emotions are going to be all over the place. Again I would try some counseling and just keep at it. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, just a rough turn of events that could have been handled better by him.
So he still has the job, right? It should work out if there’s income. Shop around and find a clunker to drive for the time being. It sounds like you didn’t have GAP insurance on the car and the insurance only made sure the bank got paid the balance, leaving you guys high and dry. Weird all the people on here telling you to divorce over this short term challenge.
Insurance covers rental cars while yours is being repaired or replaced. Make a phone call to insurance. Uber to car rental. Start looking at buying a car. Prices are high and expected to drop soon. Go lower cost vehicle for now, less to lose.
I’m glad your husband is okay. T-bone is really bad and I’ve seen deaths from it.
Many of us are suffering similar predicaments. Mine because the economy crapped out and we just bought a house and land 2000 miles from home. Wife and five kids to support here.
Look for small ways to bring in income. You are highly skilled. Work at home online maybe.
You may be experiencing the depression…post partum. Because everything is going to be alright given what you’ve told me.
Can you go back to your job now? Stay with family?
His behavior reminds me of control, immaturity, and invalidation of you, your voice, feelings, and opinions.
First, he doesn’t fix his truck, then he takes your car, even after you nag, then he totals it. On top of that, he provides zero help with the unpacking and lays responsibilities on you.
He is in a relationship and he needs to step up and treat you like his wife. No matter how sorry he is, he needs to change his actions and start helping.
I want you to think if there is any way he tries to control you?
Did he move with you on purpose and kind of made you SAHM?
Is he against you working?
Does he try to block your family from you?
Not to get you alarmed, but he shows some signs of a man who baby-trapped his wife, made her SAHM, and isolated her from everyone.
You need to get out of this mess. Contact friends, and family and try to get out of your situation. You need to have the right to become the person you want to be.
Don’t devote your life to something you don’t desire to be.
Take small steps toward change. Whatever you can.
The path will seem unclear, but you will manage.
This happened to me in 2021. Wife and I moved from Ky to Fl. We have no family or friends(at the time). A month after our move I got in a wreck almost totaled my vehicle be by some saving grace just barely made the mark for repairs to be made and paid for by insurance. However we only had the one car that was now in a shop and had bills and no way to make money. Wife who does take medication for depression and anxiety did not have a prescription for herself so her mental state was not in a good place. We were thankfully with help from a few family members were able to get money for a rental car to be able to work and pay for our bills.
I tell you this because I know what it’s like. To be a SAHP and to be the only source of income. If you can reach out to friends and family where ever they are. See if they can help in anyway possible. While you do feel that your relationship may be irreparable for whatever reasons. You mentioned he is trying but didn’t mention what he is doing. He may be trying in ways that at this moment are hard for you to see because of all the negative going on around you. My wife did this and after we made it pass the mess she sat me down and thanked me for trying so hard to keep her head in straight and doing the things she didn’t see until the cloud was gone. This is a mess try not to be so hard on him or yourself. Work together in whatever ways you can even if that just you sending some positive messages his way that you may not actually believe at the moment.
Any family to come visit for a few weeks, or for you to visit for a few weeks. I recommend starting to send out resumes, even part time to cover childcare.
You need to stop blaming your husband for your situation, yes he crashed the car but that was an accident. I think your being a bit bratty saying he was selfish not repairing his truck, I’m sure there’s more variables in play than selfishness. You probably understand that already but instead of dealing with it your placing anger onto it. Your relationship dynamics have massively changed and it is this that you need to focus on. Focus on what YOU can do, your at home all day, can you arrange for someone to come check the truck out, a mobile mechanic that could at least lay out the costs so you can budget, moving things forward is the way here. You say that you think the marriage is irreparably harmed, after constantly nagging for two weeks straight. Well hello, ya think ? You’re going through a lot of change and that can be unsettling but it sounds like it’s you dragging the situation down. Move forward one step at a time. Stamping your feet won’t get you anywhere except divorce
Aww that sounds hard mama. But you got this! If you can get out for walks every day with the baby, I’d highly recommend, just to clear your head for a few mins every day. I’m sorry you’re feeling so stuck right now. Having an infant feels extremely isolating, even in the best of circumstances.
I know I’ll take downvotes for this, and that’s fine, but I wish I had been given this advice a long time ago:
There comes a point where all of these are just excuses. You can find a way to fix these things. Sorry you had a run of bad luck, but it’s not your husbands fault nor is it yours. But you gotta do something about it and change your story. You just gotta work hard and put your mind to it.
It’s time to go stay with family for a bit. Your husband isn’t taking things seriously until it’s pretty much too late and leaving you on the back burner. That isn’t okay. Especially when you need to take care of the baby and you need support.
Go stay with family, especially if you know they’d be more than happy to take you in for a bit.
First of all, I sincerely Apologize for your idiotic husband. I can’t believe you have a husband like that. Second, take your baby and go see your family. The job thing, unfortunately, neither of you had any control over, but the rest of it….Seriously. You need to be away from him. Then decide what you want to do, wether that’s divorce or whatever. You need to make sure you don’t have PPD or anything worse. Your mental health and baby’s well-being matter more, Right now. I think this proves you were right not to get back together with him, IJS. Also, there was absolutely NO need or reason for you to move. He could’ve driven a couple hours away to work and back home. He’s isolating you and MAKING IT WORSE. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, make sure there’s no Abuse. You need to get away from him, Period, Like Yesterday.
Hang in there OP. You’ll figure it out.