Hi,
So, the man (30) I (27) have been ‘talking’ for about 9 months. We constantly messaging, talk on the phone for a good 90 mins every other day and try to see each other every week (we’re both busy with work). He has told me everything about this job, his family history, his struggling relationship with his dad, his view on how religious he is, his ex’s and what he did wrong. He has also told me he loves me (albeit it was just him him texting me ‘I love you’ twice while he was drunk). ***We haven’t DTR*** but he has talked about us being parents and our parenting styles and has made jokes how we would argue when we’re husband and wife. He recently told me he told his boss (who he respects & admires, literally won’t stop talking about him to me) about me, showed pictures of me etc.
We haven’t had sex but we make out and cuddled whenever we see each other. No sex is a boundary from me as I won’t have sex until marriage. He understands and respects this fully (same religion) and while he’s had sex in the past, he has never forced me to do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. This may be a reason for the no DTR as I want marriage.
Last night, I was snooping on his friend’s stories and saw this guy dancing with a random girl at a club. She had her hands around his neck and his hands were in his pockets. I’ve never been out clubbing so I don’t know what it’s like there.
I’m heartbroken. I know we’re not exclusive but I feel super disrespected. I can’t even approach him about it because I was stalking his friend.
What do I do? Should I just block and move on .. should I step back and just let things finish naturally? Help!
14 comments
yall not exclusive so why would you block him?
No one stays in the talking stage for 9 months. What exactly do you want from him and why hasn’t it happened?
It seems like you’re feeling disrespected and don’t want to go back to him. which makes sense, 9 months with no label and then pulling this doesn’t predict a bright future. I’ll say that if you block him, you will be the one wondering about him. He’s already out clubbing and having fun. You’re already hurt and without telling him that he won’t know.
Everyone has their own boundaries and it’s important to stick to yours.
That said, dancing is not cheating and from what you described, it sounded like he was being polite. Her arms were around his neck, but his hands were in his pocket. If he was interested, his hands would have been all over her body.
Maybe it’s time to have “The Talk” instead of just talking. From your descriptions of your interactions, he’s into you. No guy communicates with a woman as much as he does with you if he’s not interested.
My advice to you: get off of Reddit, tell him you snooped and saw the video of him dancing with another girl and ask him where you two stand.
EDITED: a couple of missing words.
If you have to ask Reddit, you already know it’s not good. You aren’t in a relationship but you’ve been basically filling all his relationship needs for 9 months. He doesn’t have to commit to you. And you’re saving yourself while he’s been active. It just doesn’t add up. If he was your boyfriend and making an effort to move to marriage, it would be different but it just seems like you’re a place holder. And he disrespected you by dancing inappropriately (?) so I’d just bail.
Time to have the DTR
Dancing isn’t cheating, especially if his hands were in his pockets. He was literally keeping his hands to himself.
However, if that’s a boundary for you, then that’s a boundary for you and that’s okay. I think that’s something that you should communicate in the future though. Its not fair to end a relationship over something that generally isn’t seen as a bad thing by most people.
Wait why are his hands in his pocket? It is inappropriate to have her hands around his neck but he doesn’t seem to enjoy it much
From my point lf view you seem to be the one holding back…or too many boundaties which is fine but have the talk with him already.
To me this looks like hes been ready, talks to others about you, has brought up future events…this dude wants something but no one will be waiting or wondering why the other person hasnt brought it up.
For you to be upset of some sort and jealous yeah thats norm but also take a step back and decide “what do i want with this person?”
Not DTRing because you want marriage is no excuse. It’s been 9 months. That is substantial time – Almost a year. He knows if y’all are moving towards something serious or not at this point, and he, sadly, must not want to pursue a serious relationship with you. 😕
You also have every right to feel disrespected. Regardless of a title or no title, y’all have every element of a relationship. Y’all have talked daily on the phone, made out, said you love each other, seen each other weekly for 9 months. Y’all are dating without the title. … y’all are dating. He majorly disrespected you.
Your too old for kids games.
If he’s not your boyfriend yet he won’t be
He’s already shown you who he is and what he wants… why would you be willing to accept this?
Better finding out at 9 months rather than 2 years. Personally I think you cut your losses and move on but I get that statistically for most women that’s unlikely path. We seem to like to choose the most tortuous path even though the ending is often the same…
Can I ask have you even told him your boundaries? Because if you haven’t it’s unfair of you to hold him to them when he doesn’t even know what they are.
If dancing with other people is a boundary for you, you should have already told him so he can know. He can’t read your mind on this, and as others have pointed out to a lot of people dancing isn’t a big deal. Maybe he doesn’t have that same boundary so didn’t see it as being disrespectful towards what your guys have.
You also state you pull away due to your attachment style. Maybe also work on that or at least talk about it because that could be a reason he hasn’t brought up defining the relationship. If someone I’m into keeps pulling away I’m not going to bring up what are we talk. They are showing me what we are by their actions, and if his actions are pulling away that says enough for me.