I’m (35M) about a decade older than my wife, and make about 7 times what she does. She’s just gotten her first career-oriented job. She is enormously talented and my expectation is that she’ll eclipse me in professional success before long.
In the meantime, I pay for everything. I think this is ultimately detrimental to her. If she wants anything me, I’ll give it to her, but I think the experience of being limited in what you can have helps you figure out what’s really important to you, and what and how much work you want to devote to making money. I’m trying especially hard, in part because of our age gap, not to be paternalistic about this, but I just don’t know how else to put it.
I think the reasonable thing to do is to ratio our incomes and have her contribute to our joint expenses according to that ratio. Currently that would put her obligation monthly at about $500. I’ve tried bringing this up before and she bristles at it, so I haven’t pressed it, but I’m growing more concerned about it as time goes by and she’s unperturbed by the status quo.
We have more money than we need right now, so it isn’t really about that, I just don’t feel comfortable that we don’t have any shared responsibility for maintaining our lives. I think if the tables were turned she’d have no qualms paying for everything, but I also can’t imagine she’d be comfortable shouldering the responsibility for maintaining both of us. So, my question is: how do I start this conversation, see it through, and do so respectfully and fairly? And am I crazy for feeling this way?
7 comments
How about she maxes out her retirement savings, maybe takes on a bill, like the electric, and she can take you on a hot date every month?
“I think the experience of being limited in what you can have helps you figure out what’s really important to you, and what and how much work you want to devote to making money.”
If she were handling the money with the intent of training you, how would you feel?
My husband and I are a team with the money in one pot. We worked together to come up with a budget, including savings, retirement, fun, bills, etc. Because we are equals in the relationship. Early on I made more money, now he does. It doesn’t matter, we help each other.
Well, you would just have to calmly and without patronising her tell her what you would like your finances to be. Don’t make it about her and what’s supposedly good for her in your opinion. Just tell her that this is the way you imagine that you would like the finances in your romantic relationship to work. Make it as a thing you generally think, it’s not about her as sepcific person but about what you need in any romantic relationship. Just because it’s part of your expectations and views.
This would make that conversation to be about your personal boundary in this subject and not about her specifically.
But also, do not feel surprised and accept ITIF she doesn’t like it. I wouldn’t.
Why isn’t joint finances, and it being OUR money and OUR bills etc… Not the natural way of things?
You know there are plenty of marriages where 1 partner, usually the husband, supports the family/household alone?
Marriages are for joining
Does it matter you guys are married? Me and my wife don’t see our earnings as two (she is currently at home raising our 1 year old) but bills are all paid out of the same pool of funds… ours
“I think this is ultimately detrimental to her….I think the experience of being limited in what you can have helps you figure out what’s really important to you…I’m trying especially hard not to be paternalistic about this.”
Then quit acting like you’re her dad trying to teach her the value of money. You’re infantilizing her.
I would want to throw up if my husband talked about me like this. And he makes literally 10X what I do, despite me working 40 hours/week. He just (gasp!) trusts me with our money and not to overspend, and I respect our marriage and our financial situation, so I don’t. Posts like this make me really grateful for him.
Finances… Marriage… What you wrote here is so wildly different from what I experienced in my marriage. I can’t really understand why split the marriage with no apparent reason, with money. Why dividing it with financial independence of eachother? Why focusing so much on “self” instead of “us” in the marriage? Isn’t the whole point of marriage is to be togather, dependant and dependable on each other (among other aspects)?
You say you don’t have shared responsibilities, I wonder, why is that? Making a good life (as “us”) is your responsibility, as well as your wife’s. Creating a safe place you want to go back to every day – that is, a home, for both of you.
Also you say you’re worried that you paying for everything is detrimental for her. If she has that bright successfull career lined up – there’s no point in worrying, she’ll get there eventually. One thing that I see detrimental is your lack of trust, and therefore support. Which on the other hand rises a question in my head – why did you married without that trust?