We’ve been together for 6 years and married for 2. For the entirety of our relationship she’s communicated things that she felt are not going right in our relationship and I’ve done my best to change them. We even separated and worked on our relationship through counseling and each came up with a list of things we wanted going forward. Her list has things like if my ex wife and I text (we have a daughter together) that I have to tell her immediately or when I get home from work I have to take my phone off of silent. I think those things are kind of superficial and don’t improve or worsen our relationship. My main thing on the list was she had to show me more affection. It’s the way I feel love from her. Physical touch is one of my love languages and I asked for her to initiate physical touch at least once everyday, whether it be a hug, kiss, hell even a pat on the shoulder. She doesn’t do it. I love her very much and we’ve blended our families together nicely, but the one thing I crave the most is the one thing she won’t do. Also, it’s hard to bring it up to her because I’m one of those “ don’t rock the boat” kind of people.
Do I just accept that she’s not a physical person and not get what I want? Do I just move on (it seems stupid to do that over this)? How do I bring this up to her without causing a fight? What should I say?
TL;DR: my wife won’t attempt to speak my love language.
6 comments
You have been together for 6 years. Was she really affectionate the whole time then stopped recently? Or was she always not to affectionate?
What she is asking from you are simple little things that do not change you who are at all. What you are asking of her is to change her personality to suit you.
You have to accept that she is not as affectionate as you are. And if you do not like that. Then you should not have married this person.
People have different love languages. Some touch a lot, some don’t. Some show their affection with words, some by doing random things for their partner. It is what it is. She will not change the way she shows affection at 41 as you wouldn’t either. You cannot force showing affection like it is some kind of list with things you *must* do in the day. If the different love languages is a deal breaker for you, then break up. If you think you can get used to it and continue your relationship with your wife as is, then great!
From your post this made me really curious: “she’s communicated things that she felt are not going right in our relationship and I’ve done my best to change them”. So she has the right to express herself and you have the obligation of following and doing shit while this doesn’t happen both ways? **This** is an issue you have to deal with. You should be equal in this relationship and both of you should be able to express yourself and be heard from your partner.
What happens when you go to give her a hug or kiss?
>I’m one of those “ don’t rock the boat” kind of people.
If we want people to speak our language we may need to be the person to start the conversation.
I’m not sure I believe a list of demands is a good way to move a relationship forward. Relationships are collaborative efforts but we are only in control of what *we* put in. It also means we end up in a position where we “get what we want” but not for the right reasons.
It seems like you’ve come up with a myriad of options and reasons for why you won’t get what you want and few strategies that mean you could both get what you need.
Give non violent communication a Google and see if it’s a strategy that will help you communicate.
Don’t rock the boat. Just find someone else to meet the needs that aren’t being met. GFE escorts are amazing. All of the intimacy and physical touch, none of the other relationship bs.
There’s more to this –
You separated to decide if you both want this to work,
What were the problems you had?
Because the things she wants, that in her mind would help the relationship work are being told that you had texts with the ex- in regard to your D, and to put your phone off silent.
Neither of these seem like it’s a relationship issue – unless there some issue with what was going on with the ex?
And you want more affection, which on the surface seems like that would be a relationship issue. But not enough of a problem to separate over.