I want to preface this with, I would never ghost someone I had actually met.
I’ve started OLD again on bumble and have had several situations as a woman (35f) where I’ve ghosted after first matching with a man. I wanted to share why since I’ve see some posts and comments here lately about women ghosting in apps.
Don’t take this as a be all, end all list. It’s just my experience.
Guy 1
chat was good, but felt a little off. I dug more and found out he was freshly divorced. I politely explained that I wasn’t interested after hearing that (I’ve been divorced so I know). He accepted it and I provided him moral support. However he then seged into talking about sobriety.
I felt I did a good job explaining why I wasn’t interested and gave him some advice. I’m personally not on dating apps to make friends or do AA so after I tried to say no and the conversation kept going, I ghosted.
Guy 2
The chat was doing just fine but honestly I felt a little bored. He was sending long paragraphs of text about work before getting to know me. Mostly complain and also romanticizing my job. It felt like a conversation with a neighbor.
I just wasn’t feeling it but we were only talking for an hour so I didn’t message back.
Guy 3
Sends several messages of full paragraphs about his hobbies. Requests a biography about each of my pets. Invites me out for …coffee with less than 24 hours notices.
The conversation wasn’t bad but it felt very taxing.
—-
My takeaways: Unless the conversation has gotten really deep (like with divorce guy) or gone on for a few days, I usually just ghost. I find as a woman, it’s a lot of work to end a conversation that barely started.
For me personally, it’s a lot when a guy is sending a ton of information and double texting. I personally prefer when men keep it light and allow for back and forth. I’m also not really into talking about my pets so when there’s 10 questions about them, I get bored.
In the times when I’ve ended a conversation for “no reason” other than I wasn’t into it AND let the guy know, some men get combative and want to know why. I don’t know if I have the emotional availability to explain to every man on an app why it just isn’t clicking for me.
I wanted to share this to give some insight why women ghost. But also maybe to ask if there’s something better I can do?
Honestly it feels similar to if you’re at a cocktail part talking and a conversation fizzles out and you just slowly drift into another conversation without really saying goodbye.
Edit: with sincerity, I didn’t know that this technically isn’t considered ghosting. So I didn’t use the right term, but I feel like my other points stand. If anyone was offended that I use this term incorrectly, sorry! I just didn’t know this wasn’t ghosting.
Edit 2: Well, I think that’s a wrap for me in this conversation, folks! I’ll try to respond to some comments later. I personally had a great conversation with those who showed up early. Thanks for sharing the perspectives, it gave me a lot to think about.
39 comments
Sounds like you’re doing just fine and filtering efficiently which is the really only sane way to approach OLD. I started keeping a list of these experiences when I was on the apps because to me it was just an interesting observation about the situations that just are not it.
Cis straight guy, here. Thanks for that perspective!
Does ghosting when you’ve never met have to be justified?
I used to just delete matches if they didn’t respond in 24hrs, and I never would sweat why or judge them in any capacity. Or if I did I shouldn’t have. It has nothing to do with me. I could see why people might care about ghosting if they have few matches to start with, but I still think it’s not healthy to take it too personally and think about too much.
If we haven’t met in person, and I’m no longer interested, I ignore them once. If they continue to message me, I’ll message them something along the lines of, “Hey there, I’m not really feeling a connection, but good luck out there!” If they can’t take a hint and continue to message after that, I think it’s perfectly fine to ghost. On the other hand, if someone ghosts me before meeting, I don’t really care. I’ve never met you, it’s not like you owe me anything.
Now, if we’ve been on at least three dates or had sex, that’s a different story…
Is that ghosting? If so, guess I’m a monster. I learned to ghost after a handful of times being argued with when I said “no thank you, I’m not interested.”
“BUT WHY??? GIVE ME A CHANCE!”
“ok. You seemed like a slut anyway…”
“Wow. Bitch.” ::unmatched//blocked me::
I stopped caring. How the hell am I supposed to guess who has the maturity to handle a polite rejection and who needs to be ghosted and blocked?? Too much energy to figure that out. So bye forever.
So yeah, I’m saying other guys ruin it for the decently mature guys.
My motto is that ghosting is fine (from both sides) if you haven’t exchanged numbers yet. I ghost and get ghosted, too, on Tinder and that’s okay. However, if we exchange phone numbers and message privately, I expect a quick message of rejection. If we’re talking on the phone and you ghost, you suck.
I’ve never considered it ghosting if you’ve never met the person. To me ghosting is meeting a person, asking them out again after what you feel is a good date and they never reply.
Conversations die out all the time. I have never once had someone say they are ending a conversation in the messaging phase. It’s always just died out without a reply. I’ve been using online dating since it was a thing only nerds did secretly. If a conversation dies out I assume the other person lost interest, got so many messages others were more entertaining, set up a bunch of other dates, got busy…or who knows. When a person is just text on a screen I’ve never cared if they disappear and don’t think about it at all.
🙌 Great insight thank you
And keep doing what you’re doing.
I’m of the opinion that since I’m swiping past anyone who isn’t immediately attractive to me, I’m opting into a purely transactional (to begin with at least) experience and nobody owes me an explanation for their actions.
No response is a perfectly adequate response, for anyone with any sense. For people you don’t know and haven’t met… there’s no shame in not replying. You don’t owe anything.
Likewise, I think after a first date with someone who sent/posted really outdated or misleading photos.
People get their undies in a wad over ghosting. But, no one owes them any answers or closure. They don’t like it and no one likes getting rejected. But so fucking what!?
If you’ve had some kind of relationship with someone, that is another matter.
i’m a hetero cis guy, and i don’t really care if someone that i haven’t met just umatches without explanation. i’ll give an explanation of “i don’t feel like we’re a good match” if we’re having a good chat and i see an incompatibility, but i’ll just unmatch if the conversation isn’t engaging or they’re not putting in effort.
i only find ghosting rude if we’ve met in person and there were no obvious red flags. for example, if we get dinner and you’re berating the staff, i’ll ghost, because my sense is that you’ll berate me too. if i’m not feeling it, i send a simple “i enjoyed meeting you, but i don’t feel like we’re a good match”. i’ve stopped giving out my number prior to meeting so i can report poor behavior after i express that i’m not interested. i only give out my number when expressing interest in a 2nd date. i’m in my 40s; by this age we can communicate like mature adults. if someone can’t, well, that’s probably why they’re single.
This is pretty depressing.
I’ve never had a chat on an app that *didn’t* feel like a conversation with a neighbour. I literally do not know another way of interacting there. I put vast amounts of effort into “don’t be sexual, don’t let it become an interview” and of course a neighbourly chat is all that’s left. It feels pretty much impossible to win.
Arranging a date with less than 24 hours notice I can relate to though. I’ll say “I’m free on these days of next week” and then they’ll say nothing for several days and finally respond with “Hi I’m free tomorrow!” Well guess what, I’m not. But then, I also think I don’t check my phone enough.
This reminds me when I first started dating in my 20’s after college and I thought I had to call guys to tell them I wasn’t interested. I don’t know why I thought this? I guess bc i thought if a “break up” happens in person then a slightly lesser rejection should happen via the phone? I was young I didn’t know any better…. That’s all I can say.
One guy asked me out via text and I still called him it was soooooo awkward and uncomfortable and the call took forever with him trying to change my mind. How silly and naive I was!!!!
I don’t ghost anyone I’ve met in real life, and if someone asks me out and I’m not interested I’ll reply no thank you. But yeah when it’s just the in-app chatting phase, totally normal and fine to just stop the convo if you’re not feeling it.
Your approach is perfectly fine, but I think people should make more use of unmatching. If you just stop responding, there’s always the potential that will be interpreted as you being busy, etc. and maybe you’ll respond later. Unmatching leaves no ambiguity (and helps visually streamline your OLD conversations as a bonus, lol).
You summed up some main reasons for dropping out of the conversation (I don’t think it’s “ghosting” at that point) well. I do the same thing. The essay writers suck too much time and energy, but I think they think they are demonstrating effort and interest. Not only is it really taxing to respond to them, it feels unsexy and like a business conversation. There is indeed a sweet spot between two-word responses and the novellas some men (maybe women too, idk) write.
Like you, when men ask for feedback, I don’t give it. They do not seem to handle it well despite asking for it.
Can we keep the term ghosting for people you’ve actually met and dated?
Ending an online conversation by not messaging back isnt the same as dating someone for a few months and vanishing.
meeting someone by texting them is kinda dumb.
Save your stories! Consider using Voice Recorder two. If it isn’t a genre yet we will be seeing books dedicated to the adventures of online dating. Maybe one of them will be yours!
I personally don’t consider what you’re describing as “ghosting”. And hopefully most well-adjusted adults have the good sense not to think a person they don’t even know has the capacity to “ghost” them.
However, after spending an unfortunate amount of time on dating advice subreddits, I see posts ALL THE TIME by people bemoaning being “ghosted” by someone they matched with a day ago, so I totally get why you made this post. Whatever we want to call it, there is clearly a number of people out there who have an unhealthy expectation that everyone they show romantic/sexual interest in owes them an explanation of why that interest isn’t reciprocated. If we could all just temper our expectations a bit, and recognize that people have lives and priorities that don’t always center our immediate needs and feelings, OLD would be a lot less exhausting.
I’ve never considered it ghosting if it’s within an app and has only been a day or two. Sometimes I’d verbally state I wasn’t interested, sometimes I’d just unmatch.
Anyone I met in person got at least a “I’m not interested” message.
Nothing wrong with what you’ve typed. Unfortunately things can get much worse than that for women on OLD. I’m not going to judge you negatively.
As a guy, i get this. Sometimes the quick banter leads to more in depth conversations. Doesnt mean bombard someone with a survey of every portion of their life. Explore interests and see what clicks, ask questions but keep them light. Its not that hard. And for the love of all life stop sending pictures of genitalia that isnt asked for. That alone turns most woman off and shows what your really thinking about.
Just my two cent input.
Do you, boo. I know it’s not my place to counsel people on why they are toxic and give every single person an explanation. If I ghost it’s to protect my self-interest. I wouldn’t do it if I actually dated a person but a new match I’ll ghost. Usually it’s because they’ve said something offensive like talking about sex, my body, their dick, racist, sexist, immaturity.
I was so naive when I first started OLD. First you need to understand that many people on apps are NOT looking to date. They may just want attention, ego boost, married or whatever. I call these the tire kickers and sniff them out immediately. You will notice they don’t seem so interested in getting to know you. Superficial chit chat and not asking questions. Don’t get hooked by the frequency and quick response rate. One must look at the quality of the conversation. If this goes on more the a few days, I’m out. This has saved me a lot of wasted time so I can focus on those that want what I want too ( to date!)
I not a fan of ghosting even if I’m not interested.
But please no paragraphs as long as the Bible! I want to get to know you but not via messaging in a single night!
> Invites me out for …coffee
Is this bad? I’ve found that going for coffee is so much less pressure than a meal. Lets us have a nice chat for 30-60 minutes or so to see if there’s something there. Then for date #2 let’s do something more than just coffee. Am I way off base here?
Idk why but some people feel like it’s impossible that someone is not interested in them and if you tell them they take it personally. With some of the replies I have seen from some dudes, I see why some get ghosted.
Honestly this is why I don’t like apps. Oh feel like the investment isn’t worth the return especially conversation wise. I would say that it makes me wonder why people always say a lot of those on apps are looking for a texting partner but I’ve recently come to realize some people just really want and need surface level conversations.
After reading the comments I found out it’s not ghosting if you’ve never met. So what do you call it then when you’re scheduled to meet for a date or something and he/she never shows up or texts, and you never hear from them again?
I’ve had women complain about this to me because guys do it while online dating, and I’ve certainly had it happen to me. If that behavior isn’t ghosting then what is it?
I for sure ghost when the conversation or information revealed is off-putting. If I’ve met the person, I’ll be more communicative and let them know I’m not interested and realize we are not compatible in a romantic way or friendship wise. I’m always super kind to the point they still want to see me but I have to disengage. I don it want to take on emotional baggage that someone is not doing hard work on – for themselves – on their own- prior to meeting me. That sort of reflex to care for themselves has to already be a part of them. It’s too taxing to try and convince someone they need help and then to get it… it’s not cool- it’s not sexy.
Still- ghosting before meeting someone, is fine. It’s not anything to be angry about.
I like all of OP’s reasoning.
I was on an app for 24hrs, that was enough for me. Guys are too thirsty on there and act like they’re in love when you haven’t even met. It’s weird af.
It’s definitely just conversations fizzling out and it happens with the majority of matches. Unfortunately this is the way it is with online dating. It’s a total mess. The best thing I did was stop swiping and delete my apps.
I ghost with zero guilt if I get a question about my tiddies or a random dick pic. I had a full body shot and fitted clothing, you can see what I’m like. Why do you need to know what size the boobs are? You gonna buy me a new bra or what?
If you’re talking to someone at a party, and it’s not clicking, you excuse yourself and move on. What you’re doing is the online version of that. If someone becomes unglued by that, then that’s affirmation that you did the right thing. I appreciate it because it saves us both time, and it’s no big deal because there’s no connection.
What isn’t cool: when you’re talking to someone over a period of days, and communicating frequently. Then, they drastically reduce or cut contact with no explanation. I know it’s a gray area since you haven’t met, but it is still hurtful, since a connection was made.
I briefly spoke to a guy on Hinge who was 36 years old and was still capitalizing the first letter of each word (Like This Example) and using excessive emojis and exclamation points.
He linked to his Instagram, same deal.
I tried to have a conversation with him, but the immature way he was texting was getting annoying. Not only that, but I tried bringing it up and he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about.
So I decided, instead of just ghosting, I’d message him and let him know that I didn’t think it would work. He responded with the most immature block of text, basically trying to tear me down.
Shortly after that, I deleted my account and gave up on OLD. That was the last straw for me.
I won’t rehash that you can’t ghost when you haven’t actually met.
But, also, based in your description of Guy 1: it sounded as if you fully explained the incompability. You’re fine there, too.
Not EVERY exchange with someone requires closure. After you met, sure. After seeing someone for several dates/weeks, definitely. But these descriptions, no.
Your dating karma is good.
I’m in favor of ghosting sometimes. Men almost never stop pushing.
Guys who go 0-120 are the ones I usually just ignore.
We connect, and then he wants to go on a date immediately. Sorry, nope.
I’ll “ghost” someone if they give boring, one word responses with little substance and effort.
If they don’t ask me any questions and I have to carry on the conversation.
If they give half-ass promises to meet up sometime without actually asking or setting a date
And immediately if they start of with that “hey beautiful” crap type of lines, I don’t even respond!
Not because I’m rude or snobby but in my experience, those type of people tend to tell you what they think you want to hear and are not honest with their intentions. Especially if I am clear with mine. Be honest is all
Also, I think you have NO obligation to someone you haven’t even met. You literally owe them nothing!!! It’s a dating app…
If a man asks me for nude photos or tries to intiate sexting before we meet up, I ghost.
If I ask a man if he wants to meet up, and his answer is no (not because of him not being available, but he’s “not ready” or he’s not interested in meeting up) I ghost.
If a man doesn’t have anything to say for himself other than “how are you?” “What are you doing?” “How was your weekend?” I ghost.
If a man says the phrase “see where it goes” in his profile, I don’t match but if he says it in conversation, I ghost.
Also, I ghosted a dude because his job was an mlm once.
All I’m looking for is a good conversation and no red flags for a situationship guy who’s not ready to be in a relationship but wants me to waste 6 months figuring that out.