So I’m a 22f and I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years then took a year to work on myself after the breakup and decided I was ready for dating again a couple of months ago. Here’s how it went:
• I often notice guys looking/smiling at me in social situations (like a bus, a party, on the street etc) and I usually smile back or keep a short eye contact but they never approach me or ask for my contact;
• my friends suggested Tinder and I got a lot of matches in a relatively short time, but very few of the guys actually text and even when they do, the thing rarely moves beyond texting. I even tried texting first myself with 2 guys I really liked, had 2 dates with one of them then got ghosted even though he said he had a great time, and the other one didn’t answer (I suppose he was thinking how desperate I could be to text first as a girl).
Now I don’t think my looks would be the problem, and I genuinely don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I don’t play games, just want to grab a coffee, meet people, see how it goes.
As I mainly see guys here who have difficulty dating, I was wondering how it’s going for other girls. Also, could anyone tell me what they think about my experiences and why something concrete almost never happens, or how to change that?
13 comments
Do you believe men and women are equal?
Text all of them first. Ask the ones you like on dates. Ask the ones you date and like on a second date.
It sounds like you’re making no effort and, for some reason I can’t believe exists in some people’s heads in 2022, expect men to do your work for you. Stop.
Um… Approach men that you like?
You claim to not be playing games but your actions show otherwise.
Try being a guy! 75+ dates in the last year and 71 of those never went past the first date. Only 1 went past 4 dates. With the 1 I was dating someone only to date someone. I wasn’t really interested in her.
Im here a year later with nothing to show for all that hard work. I would’ve asked out close to 300 maybe 400 girls, made plans for a large portion of them before getting blown off at the last minute or her not even show up after you’ve made reservations. 75 are the ones that showed up.
Then you get to the date and she hates your guts right off the bat or there’s friction right away that wasn’t there online.
I also used to model, so I’m an above average looking dude.
I play guitar, piano, drums, draw, paint, read an insane amount of non fiction (I love science, history and biographies), play rec basketball and soccer, go to the gym and lift, rock climb, scuba dive (working on getting my licence), love to travel by myself and much much more on top of working at head office for one of the biggest companies in the world right now and also working as a server twice a week (travel fund) and doing odd jobs with my contractor friend (more travel fund) , so I’m very busy and have my own life.
You’re not doing anything wrong, per say. It’s more accurate that **you just need to be more social and give it a little longer.**
>”I often notice guys looking/smiling at me in social situations (like a bus, a party, on the street etc) and I usually smile back or keep a short eye contact but they never approach me or ask for my contact;”
This is because they’ve decided that **asking you out is not worth the social risk.** Since guys are usually taking most of the rejection, a certain practice has grown around optimization and reducing how much you get rejected. Dudes don’t like being rejected, so they’ll run the numbers in their head about their chances of success. I honestly can’t blame them – **it’s just not worth it to ask a random woman on the street who payed you no attention her number**. The odds are incredibly low if you two haven’t even interacted and you’ve seen no hints, and coupled with that – you’ll be seen as a creep by a lot of people around you, and maybe even the girl you got rejected by.
“my friends suggested Tinder and I got a lot of matches in a relatively short time, but very few of the guys actually text and even when they do, the thing rarely moves beyond texting. I even tried texting first myself with 2 guys I really liked, had 2 dates with one of them then got ghosted even though he said he had a great time, and the other one didn’t answer (I suppose he was thinking how desperate I could be to text first as a girl).”
**Tinder is only good for hookups**. The men who you swipe right on likely already have a ton of women to choose from, so it’s not a big deal if they lose one option.
**How outgoing and friendly are you in public? Being more friendly, especially with strangers, will go a long way.** Friendly people are easier to talk to, and so they are easier to ask out. Furthermore, if you’ve shared a conversation with someone, you won’t worry ask much about looking like a creep or a stalker to the girl and to everyone else.
Listen, I get it – women don’t want to be the one that has to initiate. **Don’t think of this as initiating, but rather as giving the guy an opportunity to ask you out.** It’s like you open the door for him, and then he steps through it.
Finally, **just give it some time**. You’re only 22 – that means that you’ve been on the dating market for only 4 years. I can see that coupled with not being overtly friendly resulting in not as many men asking you out as you hope. With time, these things will come.
>I usually smile back or keep a short eye contact but they never approach me or ask for my contact;
Do you do this three or four times? Your initial response is fine, but repeating is likely needed.
What’s your personality/mood like? Do you tend to be anxious / depressed, or?
> took a year to work on myself
In what way(s)?
As someone almost the same age as you (20M) I would say you have to work a bit harder if u want to have something serious. Try to go out with your friends to a bar or club or something like that. Most men (me included) are pretty shy around talking to girls or at least establishing contact in our age. If you write first to guys on tinder or walk up to some random dude you will probably have so much more luck with your dating life. A subtle smile towards a guy is probably not enough to really get him to understand you’re interested. (Talking about men in their early 20s)
Keep texting first. I feel like if you’re a woman especially a good one, you’re bound to find someone especially when it comes to Tinder. That multiplies if you’re texting first.
>I don’t play games
You literally do lol
As a guy I actually appreciate when a girl texts first.
– Honestly I can count with my fingers the amount of times I’ve seen a guy ask a stranger out in public if it’s not at the bar/club/campus, it just doesn’t happen as much as I think(?) women expect it to happen. It might be different if you don’t live in a big city though and also other people can correct me if I’m wrong on this.
– Dating apps are rough for both men and women. In my experience and talking to other men about using dating apps, generally you do all the swiping in one go and then have to try to come up with a “witty” or funny conversation starter afterwards, and sometimes you just draw a blank. Like how many times have some guy said “hey” and you said “hey” back and then just ignored each other. And as for women you guys have to sift through like 400 matches a day sifting through all the mediocre gym and club pics and different flavors of the same 6 bios. No real fix to this.
– What you’re doing wrong is expecting to find romance in places where most people won’t. The street, the bus, not great. Like if I’m doing my groceries and I see a pretty girl I’m more likely to go keep doing my groceries and treat that as a 3-second eye candy than stop you in the cereal aisle and ask you for your number. How’d that even go? “Hey what are you shopping for? You’ve got a nice face.” Doesn’t work out 95% of the time, and that’s assuming that you’re each other’s type and age group and you’re both looking for relationships, which, good luck on that lol.
– I don’t know what kind of parties you go to, but if they’re friendly gatherings or small celebratory parties you’re not gonna meet a ton of new people to date anyway. Chances are most people are just there to have a few drinks with their friends and they’ll stick to people they’re closer to for the most part.
– Statistics dictate that for every guy who has difficulty dating there’s a girl out there with difficulty dating as well, so it’s completely normal to have these problems. Every failed date for a guy is also a failed date for the girl, too.
I guess what it boils down to is the same suggestion that everybody else ever gives – “put yourself out there”. It’s not productive when you’re joining things for the sake of finding relationships, I know, but, what can you do. I’ve found the (fitness) gym and bouldering gym to be a good place to meet new people if you want to, you have time to talk and something to talk about. A few of my friends got with their partners through being in a band together or shooting films/videos together so that’ll work if you’re not super into sports. Raves, club events, concerts, those all work too. Time to talk + shared activity + mostly alone/small group of friends.
😐
I haven’t heard of many people having success in finding a long term thing on Tinder. Have you tried Hinge? That’s where I met my boyfriend and I found more men on there were serious. Obviously I have no clue what your profile looks like, but make sure you are putting your best foot forward (clear photos, original prompts, etc.).
Contrary to some other posters (and I will get downvoted for this . . . ), I don’t think you are wrong to wait for the guy to initiate//ask you out. The trick is to make it really clear that you are interested (without seeming desperate) to encourage him to ask. If you’re in a social situation, laugh at his jokes, ask questions, be genuinely interested, and smile. If on a date, be flirty, maybe touch his arm, give compliments, etc. Texting on an app is tough, but just try to be interesting, original, positive, and responsive. I don’t think you’re going to have much luck waiting for randos to approach you in public.
More power to you if you want to text first//initiate. It certainly works for some women. In my experience, the men whom I initiated with were never really interested in me. But you might have better luck than me.
Fo the guys in the wild that you give a quick smile to, they may or may not be interested, but will likely not approach you either way, as this is usually not received well. If you see a guy you are interested in, you gotta be brave and go say hi. Make some small talk, then give him your number and tell him to text you if he wants to go out sometime.
For online dating, you are not doing anything wrong. Some of the guys you match with are not looking for anything. Ignore that. Do not be afraid to message first every single guy that you are interested in. If they dont message back, dont worry about it. If they do but it doesnt go anywhere, move on. If you date and they ghost, dont worry about it. People get too hung up on the dead ends in online dating. Go into it expecting it. You never know a persons situation. Why they made the account in the first place. Or what is happening in their life right now. Do not take any of it personally. Dont focus so much on doing the right thing. Just put yourself out there and focus on who YOU like. There will be tons if misses in online dating. Its the name of the game. But there are plenty of men and women out there looking for the real thing. With time you will find it.