My wife keeps telling me its the man’s job to be romantic? I completely disagree, am I wrong?

35 comments

  1. I think it IS your job to be romantic. It’s ALSO her job. If both people put in the effort, it’s a win-win. Maybe yall can talk about what romance means to each of you, it looks different to everyone..so having realistic expectations amd understandings is a great start.

  2. Romance is not gender relative.

    You can be a female and be romantic. I don’t think your wife is right at all. I think she’s using it as an excuse for you to provide ALL the romance in the relationship which is unfair. You both should be romantic with each other if that’s how you are.

  3. The husband’s job, at opposed to the wife’s job? Uh, no.

    If there’s anything that absolutely requires two people, it’s romance.

  5. A common issue. My wife hasn’t said this, but she wants more romance but almost never does anything.

  6. It’s up to both of you. As a woman I love who my husband does anything romantic. I also see his reaction when I do or say something romantic to him. However, don’t keep score. Be spontaneous.

  8. This is on both of you. You can thank Disney for beating the idea of prince charming into our heads from childhood. Women can show romance as well, and they should.

  9. According to the commercials at Christmas time, she won’t love you unless you give her diamonds. If that’s the case, your wife must be right.

  11. So, before you got married, who was the romancer and who was the romanced? Was it mostly you to her, her to you, or was that pretty much equally shared? Seriously, if you were the one doing all of the courting pre-marriage, and now that you are married, there’s not a lot of that going on, she might be seeking some of that pre-marriage attention, something — some deed moreso than simple words — to remind her that she is special to you.

    That’s a theme that pops up in this fairly frequently, although I haven’t seen a lot of it recently: the woman complaining that she feels like she has a roommate instead of a spouse. In my opinion what that really means is that the husband’s intimacy needs are being met but her needs are not. What she’s seeking is some pursuit, some active interest, some thrills and anticipation.

    Anyway, my PoV on the subject is that Comfort and Complacency are the death of Romance and Passion. The subtext of your wife’s entreaties are that she feels taken for granted, that she’s not just there for the asking, she wants to feel pursued, like her attention and affection are valued in ways big and small. She wants seduction, not just a request.

  12. Being romantic is a job?

    That’s not how I’ve ever experienced it…

    If I’m feeling like I want to show my wife how amazing or sexy she is, I do something romantic. Same for her. She likes to buy me stuff she knows I can use and will get a lot of enjoyment out of. I buy her beauty products and things I’d like to see her wear to bed.

    Nowhere in that chain of thoughts and events do I ever consider it to be a job.

  13. It’s the responsibility of both partners to inspire romance in the relationship. I tend to take the lead because it’s just something I’m naturally better at because I’m more creative but my husband also contributes. My husband is more the every day little things romance sort of guy which I appreciate. He’s one to buy me something small if he goes to the store, or buy me flowers just because. I’m the one who tends to plan fun date nights or trips away or new activities for us to do. I think we balance each other out well.

  14. It’s everyone’s job to keep the spark alive, honestly. Gotta feed the fire. Sounds like your wife would like some attention.

  15. It is both partners responsibility to be romantic. Even after marriage, a couple needs to keep “dating” and never stop trying to win the other over.

  17. No, it’s a dual responsibility to keep the romance going.

    But just to play Devil’s Advocate, I watch a TON and I mean a TON of animal documentaries, and nearly every single male land animal (not all, but most), have to perform rituals for the female so that she will be interested in him while she does literally nothing but stand there, watch, and judge him. The males will battle one another, dance for her, sing for her, growl for her, distort their bodies for her, etc. This is like some animal “romance” ritual for her to assess whether he’s worth mating with.

    So….your wife is basically saying that it’s your job because in nearly the entire animal kingdom it’s the males job to “entice” the female.

    She’s saying, “dance for me”, lol.

    Of course in the human world things are different, so it’s up to both of you.

  18. That’s a conversation you have before getting married. It’s everyone’s job…to talk about expectations.

  19. It’s both.

    If I were her, I’d be mad if I made an attempt to be romantic and she blew it off. Just like I’m mad when I ask her to go out for dinner and she can’t find the time

  20. Totally! I’m romantic with her all the time, always sending flirty texts and telling her I can’t wait to see her. Many nights, she comes out to the man cave, says “hey babe,” then does a titty drop for me. Which is another opportunity for me to tell her how sexy she is. Even when sex isn’t involved, I’ll just come up and wrap my arms around her and bear hug her sometimes. Or, give her a kiss and tell her I love her.

    There was a time when I wasn’t doing all of these things, and our bedroom wasn’t as active. I was caught up in a cycle of thinking she wasn’t into me because she never initiated, and that I shouldn’t be the only one to show interest. Then, one day I was like, heck with it, I’m horny… and I started initiating on the regular. It apparently woke her up, because I really don’t have to do much now.

    Point is, seems like you’re stuck in a rut. Somebody needs to take some initiative to get this thing back on-track, here. Get out of your ego and show her some love. Tell her she’s right and take her out for a romantic evening.

  21. Both partners should offer up romance, love and caring. It doesn’t belong to just one person.

  22. Are you trying to change your relationship dynamics? Or have you never been romantic or stopped at some point?

  23. Nope. It is your job both (just my opinion). Is she from a different country/culture? I have seen people from other countries with that expectation but then the wife from those countries show their loves differently (cooking, cleaning, being supportive etc…) and from their countries, the man is then supposed to do more romantic things. At the end of the day though, it depends on each couple and your love languages. My advice just try to be more romantic and then after a few months let her know that it would mean a lot if she can do x and y (romantic things you would like) for you.

  24. You should both take the “love languages” quiz (Google 5 love languages and it’s like the first thing that pops up). My husband and I took it and realized we both show love/want to receive love in different ways and now we both make an effort to love the other in the way that they prefer to be loved. It’s def improved our relationship. It’s worth a shot

  25. It’s not fair for one partner to expect the other to do all the work in the flirting, foreplay, and overall romance department.

    Many women want to be chased, and while that’s all fine and good in a dating dynamic, some carry that from dating into their marriage. Expecting one person to be the active one who makes all the others romantic desires come true is a terrible approach to long term love.

    Since my wife has become more active in matching my energy in these areas our romantic life has improved 500%. She and I are both getting more of what we want out of it & it’s all much more exciting.

  26. If you would like her to be more romantic… Ask her! It’s a partnership. You are a team. If someone told me to be romantic without actually telling me what they need, it’s like a losing battle. Does she want flowers? Does she want you to make reservations at a restaurant and tell her to get dolled up so you can take her out? Does she want you to let her sleep in and make breakfast for her when she gets up? Also, it’s not your job to meet her needs. That’s codependent. But if you are wholeheartedly wanting to meet them, then meet them!

  27. It’s everyone’s job in a relationship. Do men not like romantic things to be done for them, even “just the little things”? Of course they do. A relationship takes the effort of both people, not just one person fawning over the other with efforts to be romantic.

  28. It’s very unromantic to be the only one making an effort. The fact that she feels like only she deserves to feel special and desired is not healthy. I would try explaining to her that you would like to feel appreciated and special as well and that it should be a mutual exchange.

  29. You’re not wrong…… but that is something that more often than not is placed squarely on the husbands shoulders.

  30. I mean, what is romance? I PERSONALLY think it’s being mindful of expressing love to your partner, and doing things to remind them you love them.

    This is not always going to look like flowers and chocolates and rose petals on the bed. It might be romantic for someone who likes flowers and chocolates and rose petals, but not for everyone.

    I think it’s romantic when my husband bought surprise concert tickets for our anniversary.

    He thought it was romantic when I got him tickets to a show he wanted to see, and told him to take a friend who would like it more than I would!

    I think flowers is romantic.

    He thinks me bringing him a Snickers is romantic.

    I write love notes. He does not.

    Does your wife do nice things for you? Go the extra mile to make you smile? Is there possibly romance in it? If not, she should!

    Yes, it’s up to BOTH to be romantic.

  31. Ugggggghhhhhhhh. Been through this.

    Valentines day : for husband to celebrate wife
    Anniversary: for husband to spoil wife

    Never agreed. Never will.

  32. It shouldnt be classified as a job in my opinion…if you love someone plan something romantic for them- weather you are the husband or the wife. I love when my husband plans something that makes me feel special without my knowing…But as my husband’s wife- i also love making him feel special with something romantic. It sounds like your wife is either stuck in the past where romance/outside work and whatnot is a mans role- and inside work and having the guy woo her is a womans role..make each other feel special- having it be onesided is no fun- and everyone enjoys being thought about enough so that someone planned something for them or spontaneously does something of romantic nature. Men like feeling special as well.

  33. Married 29 years.

    The most romantic thing he does? He cooks. He cleans. He helps without asking or commenting, as a matter of course. He just sees a need and quietly takes care of it.

    I often wake up (I go to bed earlier) to mopped floors, laundry done, the dishwasher unloaded. He never tells me he has done it, it’s just done. He doesn’t have to, I would. He just sees that those are tasks I would do, and he takes care of it.

    He does the grocery shopping. If he sees something he knows or thinks I would like, he picks it up. He hates most fruit, but pays attention to sales and specials because I love it most all of it. Even not knowing what it is, he will bring ~this stuff~ home thinking I might like it.

    He doesn’t drink coffee. I do. He pays attention and buys more when I am almost out, even if I forget to put it on the list. I never run out, because he makes sure I don’t.

    He puts gas in my car, always, even though he never drives it. He fills it up every week. Of course I could. I’ve never asked him to. It’s just his way of thinking of me.

    It’s the little things that say “I’m thinking of you. I’m thinking of us” that to me, personally, is more romantic than flowers or cards or the traditionally romantic things.

    I tend to leave him little notes in his car, in his luggage, even on the bathroom mirror. He gets up for work at 3:00 am. I get up at 2:45 to cook breakfast. I don’t have to, and he has told me repeatedly he can take care of himself. Of course he can, but I enjoy being with him for those few minutes and starting our day together. I can go back to sleep. He can’t. If I can make his morning a bit easier, I want to.

    I think we each show our love in different ways, but both of us appreciate the other.

  34. I don’t think it’s a job at all… I also don’t think it’s the man’s responsibility. That sounds dumb, like some sexist narrative where we don’t want romance, just sex.

    Personally, it wouldn’t bother me that much that she doesn’t, all I want is to feel appreciated for my romantics. But us men have needs for emotional and romantic fulfillment too…

  35. Laying that role on your partner is a great way to burn out your partner. “How am I going to be romantic today? How many times can I use that idea before it’s not fresh anymore? How will I feel if I get waved off? How much effort am I going to put into this and potentially blow if my SO doesn’t reciprocate today…”

    I’m sorry, but I want to be romanced too.

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