I’m spending all my energy trying to figure out what this person wants from me, which makes me filter everything I say, because I don’t want to “miss the hidden message” and give them a wrong idea. Due to some events from my past I find it implausible that people would want to talk to me just for the sake of having a pleasant social interaction or to get to know me, without ulterior motives.
Most times I feel like they’re either trying to find weak spots and use them to make themselves feel better. Other times I feel like I’m being roped into assisting them with something they don’t want to do themselves or buying something from them or spending time with them doing something I have no interest in. I’ve had people “act nice” to me and assume I now owe them my time, attention and services. I just don’t believe in non-transactional social interactions anymore.
I’m aware that it can’t possibly be true, that there’s gotta be people out there who are genuinely interested in talking and spending time with others without expectations. But in practice when I’m talking to someone, I’m guarding myself from a possibility that this could be a transactional relationship and I should be careful from the get go. Which makes me come through as cold, restrained and suspicious.
It’s not the expectation itself that I find difficult to handle. It’s how people react when you don’t comply. I’ve had people use a whole range of passive-agressive manipulations, “woe is me” victimhood tactics, and straight up agression, to try to make me feel bad for not wanting to do what they want.