My (29f) husband (21M) has been liking pics of a girl he was obsessed with on ig.
We have been married for 5 months now and dating 1 year prior.
Found his old journal from just 2 yrs ago. He wrote it during army basic training before we met. It’s all about this girl. He’d written her name over and over in the book. Wrote about wanting to have sex with her in detail. Even talks about kidnapping her. But my heart was beating so fast as I read through that book. Emotions of fear and jealousy.
I search her name on his followers list and see that he has been liking all of her recent pics.
At this point I do a LIGHT search on his phone for the first time and see that he saved a picture of his ex (a different girl) in his notes app. I check the date. It was the night I gave BIRTH to our son which is 3 months ago!
I confront him about it and he says he is sorry. The girl he was obsessed with was a highschool crush. He says that he saved the pic of his ex because he hadn’t seen her in a long time and was curious? I addressed the wanting to kidnap her and he says that he was having a mental breakdown from the stress of being in army basic training.
I am still worried about so many things though:
1. Is he still in love with these women?
2. His journal says: “Dream girl: Latina with white pale skin, all races except Indian and Black”…..I am black and he is Mexican. The ex and the girl he was obsessed with are pale skinned latinas. How could he settle for me since I don’t fit his preferences?
3. Is this cheating and should I start separation? I asked him and he says that he needs me but that could mean he is using me until he gets the girl of his dreams.
4. How do I recover from this? I can’t get these girls out of my mind and I hate myself every time I look in the mirror. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I am ashamed of even being seen at the grocery store. My heart drops every time I see a happy couple out of longing for a healthy relationship. The only good thing is the new baby we had but it’s hard to love when I feel unloved.
Any advice is appreciated. I am in so much pain. And I am too ashamed to talk to someone about this but I am in desperation mode right now.
6 comments
How long did yall date before getting pregnant and married? It was immature sure, but it could be his old fantasies, before he met you, then you changed him. Or yall could have moved too fast. His recent behavior is not acceptable. I’m sorry you are going thru this.
Your feelings are valid. I would suggest you request the actions you want from him. Delete IG or whatever it is that you want and go from there. You will have more information if he says yes or no.
There is a great podcast called beyond bitchy mastering the art of boundaries that really helped me.
So you have been with this guy less than a year and a half. 2 years ago is 2 years ago. He was a TEENAGER. He will continue to grow and evolve into an adult. You however should be past that and no better than to marry someone barely starting adulthood after only a year.
I just learned about “trickle truthing” and I’m a believer that for every thing you find, there are several other hidden things.
Don’t hate yourself! This has nothing to do with anything that you have done! He is the one with a problem. He is very young and doesn’t seem to be ready for a lifetime commitment.
You have a baby now, and while that’s different from romantic love, it’s a line like you’ve never known. Celebrate his existence instead of focusing on the pain that will pass one day.
Listen, I had a “dream guy” list when i was young and none of the physical things on that list are traits my husband has. He’s not tall, hes not a musician, he’s got no tattoos. I cant even remember most of my list it was so long ago, I just know I had bad relationships until i chucked that list and married the the man who was perfect for me.
Sometimes what you *think* you want isnt actually what you want. Dont assume he settled because of some arbitrary list he wrote before choosing you.
Please dont read your husbands journal, no happiness lays that way and it contributes to a distrustful marriage. What do you want? Tell your husband how terrible you are feeling now and ask for what you want. There is no guarantee things will go your way but at least you will be out of your head and communicating.
You have a brand new baby and that’s a hard time with a lot of hormonal and emotional challenges. Please take care of yourself
> I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I am ashamed of even being seen at the grocery store
and please watch for signs of postnatal depression.
Did you get married because you got pregnant? You can both be parents without being married to each other. Maybe ask him if he wants a life with you or not. 21 is so young for all of this