I’m frequently frustrated with her. She has undiagnosed autistism, so I try and be as patient as I can with her. But when it comes to tasks, simple tasks like taking out the cat litter regularly, providing our pets with medication, keeping up with laundry, she falls short consistently.
I have ADHD and usually complete everything all at once after putting it off for weeks, so I’m not one to judge. But she’s easily overwhelmed. I told her we were going to a cookout with my parents, and I was afraid the whole time she’d lash out because she had something else planned. She slips and falls and refuses to use ice after her knee is hurt because she doesnt like the cold. Sensory issue. How do I help her then? Pain meds? All of a sudden the pain isn’t so bad.
Today I went to work. Dog needs meds every 12 hours. I tell her to give them beteen 9-11 so we don’t have to stay up late to give meds. She tells me she fell, her knee is hurt, her mom called, she needed to order doordash and eat lunch (despite complaining about a lack of money CONSTANTLY), and then it was 12 PM. She’s ignoring my texts. Finally snaps and said she’s been crawling around on her injured knee trying to give meds ‘the whole time’. I know thats not true.
Finally, I come home, shes in bed, I see she gave the medicine. I say very little to her, let the dogs outside, then see both water bowls were left out. Food and water are supposed to be unavailable until 2 hours after medicine is given. I tell her she left the bowls out and put them up myself. Old food is on the counter, wrappers and cups everywhere, the doordash bag is on the table. She expects me to clean it up.
I feel guilty for being this fed up. I feel like I’m a bad person for telling her that this stuff should have been done, that she’s a butthole for complaining about money then doordashing lunch, for making plans, for asking her to do more because I know she’s autistic. But its becoming too much. What do I do?
TL;DR: Gf is frequently lazy and dramatic because of undiagnosed autism. I’m very impatient, but I love her. How do I deal with this?
6 comments
Even though she has autism, you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. I say break it off OP
Autism?
She sounds like a lazy slob.
None of these issues, except possibly not wanting to use ice sound like autism. I’m not saying she doesn’t have autism – she may very well be autistic. Just that it’s mostly irrelevant to the relationship problems you are having.
Now, she may have poor executive functioning, which would relate to making it harder to stay organized and get tasks done. But you have ADHD, which is very much about that, so you should have multiple techniques for working with that. And she can use lists and reminders and apps that gamify chores and such to work on that. If she is willing to work on it.
As t o the rest, when you discuss these issues with her, what changes is she willing to make? And if she does think it is related to autism, then what care is she getting from professional mental health care providers to work on that?
People aren’t dramatic because of autism. Your post is dramatic because you’re dying a thousand deaths over stuff that happens. Some of that stuff (like dogs’ medication) IS a big deal. But that doesn’t mean you have to go through all this emotional misery when things like this happen.
A couple of things:
Research is showing that mild autism and ADHD have a lot of symptom overlap and even some neurological similarities. Now this doesn’t necessarily imply that she would respond well to ADHD medication, but ADHD lifestyle techniques might help her. Anyone with mild autism in their early 20s who hasn’t had a lot of life skills training or who isn’t actively seeking that out is signing themselves up for a world of trouble and a lot of wasted years. Not smart.
Second, not taking care of really important things has obviously gotten you frustrated and caused you to lose respect for her. You need to be very very clear with her that this has happened and either you together find a plan to move forward, or this relationship is going nowhere good. This might involve her getting some self help (coping self education) or getting professional help to overcome her executive functioning deficits.
Third, you need to work on your own patience. You need to learn how to accept things in life and separate yourself from your thoughts and emotions. Every time something happens you seem to get emotionally triggered and just really go off the handle, and you stay in this elevated emotional state even when the incident is long over. Look at what you wrote. You’re angry at your GF for not icing her knee, even though her sensory issues made this impossible. (Btw, you’re not supposed to put ice directly on skin. It should be wrapped in something like a thick cloth. I think she would find that tolerable and it’s also medically recommended.) I mean logically you have no reason to be angry at her, it’s her woe if the bruise takes longer to heal and she had a legitimate reason not to ice. But you can’t bear someone not doing things your way. That, my dude, is going to set you up for a lot of tumultuous, unhappy relationships.
I think you might benefit from Pete Walker’s book *The Tao of Fully Feeling*. You can also download Richard Grannon’s free course (it’s not really a course, more like a long pamphlet, but I’ve done it and it works) Stop Emotional Flashbacks, which you can get in return for giving up an email address. (You can still get a free throwaway email for this sort of thing.) Grannon has done a lot of youtube videos based on the ideas in Walker’s books.
You’re young, so why not master this stuff now rather than waste another 15 years being emotionally reactive and only make a change when you’ve blown career opportunities, alienated relatives, and paid some divorce lawyer an arm and a leg?
I’d say good luck but it’s not. It’s your good efforts that will improve your life. I hope you give it a good try.
Either you get use to it or break up. I don’t see any solution aside from that.
you gotta write down qualities/ actions that are non negotiable. tell her what u expect, try to reach a compromise after communicating and if she is dismissive or doesn’t follow through it’s a break of your trust (whether u acknowledge it or not).
just be brave enough to leave a situation that no longer serves you.
everyone should be in your life to make it better. if she makes it worse, then there’s no point.