Ok, so this is going to be a long one with multiple issues that probably need addressed. Bare with me and help me out.
So I am a stay at home mom. I enjoy being at home and being able to help my kids with school and being able to go to their sports events. But I’m a SAHM by force. I’ve always had “little girl” jobs I’ll call them. Part time, easy, works with my schedule. My husband is the bread winner and so I don’t have to work but I like to. I like to get out of the house and earn extra spending money. But all of these little pt jobs I’ve had my husband has made me quit. Every single one. All because it seems like it’s inconvenient to him. I’m not getting enough housework done. My job doesn’t matter. He has to go to all the sports. I don’t make enough to work. And usually everytime it gets to the point of I have to quit or we’re divorcing. It’s me choosing my job over him. He makes me feel guilty and have no other option… Then when I quit he wants to complain about money. Or refer to the money he makes to HIS money. It’s always a bitch about money. Then he says I need a big girl job with responsibility that makes what he makes. He doesn’t make outrageously good money but enough to support us. I have no special training in anything or college education. So I’m assuming I’d need a factory job to make near his pay. But I’m not allowed a job like that because men work there. So it’s a forever never ending cycle of this. I have never given him any reason to be suspicious of me cheating. So I’m not sure where that insecurity is coming from.
Now onto the next part. He is adamant that his only job is to work and provide and mine is only to do housework (and all other things) I do the minimum he asks. Daily housekeeping. Yes sometimes I struggle. I have ADHD, depression and anxiety. Sometimes it’s HARD to do these things. I want to do them but wanting isn’t good enough. If I have everything finished but 1 thing he will get pissed and bitch about it. Now he’s to the point of I don’t do extra I don’t get extra. So if I don’t do something extra around the house there will be no soda for me if I want it. Or clothes or anything I ask for…. Is this normal????? Also if he’s mad at me he will give me a list of chores he expects done by the time he gets home. Or else basically. Every argument we get into he automatically threatens divorce. I have no idea what’s going on. But does any other wives get the same problems I’m having?
9 comments
Honey, this is toxic. This is not a healthy relationship. You need to make a plan to get out of this. He’s controlling and gaslighting you. Find a way out as soon as possible.
He wants you to get a “big girl” job but couldn’t handle any household responsibilities when you had part-time jobs… he doesn’t want you to have a job at all… he just wants to constantly tell you what to do so he can get annoyed with it and tell you to do something else… or else.
Just ask yourself if this feels like a healthy relationship to you. Would you want your family member or best friend in a relationship like this?
Hi,
I’m not a mom but a dad in a very similar situation to yours. I’m the breadwinner and my wife works part time. We have been in these arguments like the ones you and your husband have. But I have never brought up divorce or put down my wife for not making money or any of the other stuff you’ve written here. This is emotional abuse. Threatening to divorce is emotional blackmail. He’s belittling you and trying to use his ability to make money as a way to hold it over your head so he can get out of his share of the responsibility.
You don’t even get a chance to prove yourself and show that you can get a “big girl” job too and make money but wait is being a mom and taking care of the house not a job at all? Does he think that you just wave a wand and everything gets done? I can understand how frustrated you must feel.
Do I wish that my wife could make more money? Sure. Do I sometimes feel resentment for working 7 days a week while she has time to go socialize? Yes. But these are roles we have accepted because childcare is expensive and we don’t have alternatives.
Husband and currently sole income earner here. This is 100% NOT normal. It’s abusive and coercive. And to be honest, it doesn’t sound like he respects or cares for you in the least other than the benefit of having someone to clean his home.
My wife has stayed home with the kids since before the birth of our oldest over 25 years ago. She held some part time jobs for extra income, but we could have made do without the money if we had to. She has always been free to have or not have a job as she wanted. As for chores, we split the work. I love to cook so most things kitchen related are my responsibility. I make a menu, do the grocery shopping, cook dinners, and clean up after myself (my mess, my cleanup). I do my own laundry separate from hers because her clothes would get ruined if I washed them they way I wash mine. Outside of that, she takes care of the rest of the house. Granted, I’ve also worked from home for 16+ years so I’m available to help out whenever she needs it.
As for you OP, you’re in an abusive marriage. I’d recommend you start making plans to leave him, but if you won’t, you need individual counseling at a minimum. Since he’s abusive, I don’t think marriage counseling will help until your individual therapy has helped you learn to deal with the situation you’re in though.
This dude is controlling af! And lemme say this(which I normally wouldn’t say) call him out on his divorce bluff. He knows the courts will have their way with him should he divorce.
My Wife used to play the Divorce card whenever things would get dicey. It took a few times, but I finally realized that she wasn’t really serious about it. At some point, when she would threaten divorce, I just started asking if she needed help packing her bags, or finding a place to live, or whether she needed a list of divorce attorneys. Once she realized that threat no longer had any bite left in it, she stopped.
Anyway, if he thinks being an SAHM isn’t a real job, he’s going to be surprised when he gets slapped with Alimony and Child Support.
A podcast I really liked is called beyond bitchy mastering the art of boundaries. It was a game changer for me. I liked it so much I’m listening to them all again 😁 she explains her 5 step boundary process and where your power is and where it is not. I’m going to make my daughters listen when they get old enough.
The thing with being a SAHP is that you are literally putting your life in your partner’s hands. You aren’t earning toward a pension and every year you are out of the education/job arena you are losing earning power. Unless your partner is 100% trustworthy and respectful of your role, it’s a poor deal that can leave you destitute. What I’d recommend is for you to start looking into education to get a job that will pay enough to support yourself and your children; not so you can get a divorce but so you have *options*. He will not want you to do this. He *likes* having you under his thumb. You will have to power through his guilt trips and disapproval to do this. I recommend that you look at [this](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/) and read [this](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat).
Something no one else really addressed… You are not ALLOWED to work in a place where you may have male co-workers? Seeing that 1/2 the people in the world are male, this is the most controlling statement yet. He does this to make sure you can’t get anything that pays well. Is he ALLOWED to work with women?
You mentioned a therapist. Take this thread and all the reply’s to your next session. Go over the whole thing. If your therapist is not close to in line with the rest of us, get a new therapist. One who lives in 2022, not 1940.
Meanwhile, start getting a skill. Take online classes, get certifications, whatever you need to do to be employable in your area. Give yourself some options. And if he threatened me with divorce there would be only one reply. Want me to help you pack? The divorce thing is a sham. He knows that after Child Support and Alimony, he would have no paycheck left.
If you need to know for sure, go see a lawyer and get some expert advice.
Run