Ex Wife & I are getting a divorce. She stated this about 3 days ago.
Her aunt sent me a birthday card… my birthday is in 3 days.
It said, “Hope you have a fabulous birthday, We are so happy you are part of the family ‘heart'”
This hit really hard, but as always I thank people. I have a good relationship with her Aunt & sent her a thank you validating the card. I always say thank you to people who send cards & say happy birthday, its what i do.
We had a trip coming up in 8 weeks for their family get together. She said “looking forward to seeing you at the upcoming trip”, which i responded unfortunately i will not be coming as we are separating. I truly appreciate the card & will miss you guys and wish everyone the best.”
15 minutes later my ex wife sends me an email stating my refund on the flight since it was booked with our joint account.
I was not being hurtful, but looking back i should refrain from any contact at all. I want this divorce to be as easy as possible & even as possible. I do not want to upset her or overstep my boundaries but i feel as if i did here. I never said anything hurtful just acknowledging the situation that my ex wife has decided to pursue.
I am meeting with her for the first time tomorrow to discuss how to proceed moving forward. What should i do to prepare? I am so confused on how to handle this because it went from 100% to 0% in like a day. Even the family doesn’t have any clue… its all happening so fast.
Any advice would be highly appreciated I want to take the high road and not make any mistakes. I want her to see me as strong, not weak. I am trying not to reminisce and move on because I know we don’t work and there have been MANY red flags in the past. I just need some validation on me not over stepping. At the end of the day, she made this decision & family will know.
Thank you
7 comments
Well stop talking to her family is number 1 they wont take your side in this.
It is probable that your ex already knows that you spoke to her Aunt so just tell her that you wanted to be honest.
Limit all contact with her and her family. Only speak through lawyers etc
You did not do anything wrong my friend. Moving forward do not let any emotions you once had for her get in the way. Grey rock, or 180 these are your best options. You know her stance and now grant her with the gift she so desperately wants. A life without you. Your actions must show that you are a decent person. This way anyone who talks trash about you will be shown as an unreliable source of information. You can only be the best you there is. Remember that your true character will shine through the dark. Best wishes for your new life.
>I do not want to upset her or overstep my boundaries but i feel as if i did here.
Dude, she’s dumping you, and you’re still worrying about whether you’ll upset her? Continue being level-headed, thoughtful, and truthful with all of the other people in your life. You had every right to send an acknowledgment of the card to her aunt and to explain the situation.
>What should i do to prepare?
What should you do? You should do exactly what your divorce lawyer tells you to do. Don’t take advice on this from strangers on the internet.
>I am so confused on how to handle this because it went from 100% to 0% in like a day.
Sorry to be the one to break this to you, but it didn’t go from 100% to 0% in a day. Either she was very good at hiding her true feelings from you, or you just didn’t see what was really happening in your relationship.
So, I had this weird experience of my parents getting divorced when I was in my early 20s, but they had a similar issue.
In this case mom fucked up and her 3 siblings all kind of jumped to Dads side…. Which despite the circumstances I found a bit messed up. 10ish years later that seems to be the thing that caused the most damage. I would be short but cordial with her family and if necessary even remind them that she needs them more than you do.
Honestly I think you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t dump extra information, and it doesn’t seem like you’re having any more contact than is needed.
Keep your head up man. It sounds like you have a good attitude and I would recommend focusing on being the best version of yourself, whatever that looks like to you.
I hope you and your wife find love and work it out.
IMHO (63M,) having made it through one very amicable, divorce and one very acrimonious divorce. No children were involved in either. I hope you both take the high road and allow the other to ge on with their life.
Decide what you want your upcoming single life to look like. Be reasonable, she’s probably entitled to half the $$, but look at your new life as a whole. Determine what has to happen and what cannot happen during the divorce for you to achieve that life.
Once you have those parameters, or boundaries, if you will, tailor your positions to achieve your goals. Now that you know what you want out of the divorce, if you’re reasonable, stick to those parameters. If she does the same thing with openness and honesty, maybe you an work out a mutually agreeable divorce.
Strive not to be unreasonable, if you are both fair, it will be a process you will get through. Once one of you starts making unfair demands, it’s going to get ugly. Work together to satisfy both of your goals and you may get out of this with both of your mental healths intact.
I have no idea what you did wrong. You just stated plain facts. Obviously she hasn’t told all her family yet which creates awkward situations like this, but I’m sure they will find out soon enough, and this won’t be an issue much longer. I see no reason for you to ignore communications from people, and not say “thank you” for the birthday card or whatever if that is what you would normally do. Just don’t expect the contact and gestures to continue after the news gets out.
You should follow the advice of your lawyer. I don’t know if there is much more to say to her at this point anyway. Trying to work things out directly with her, if the divorce is a done deal, is probably not advisable. If you must meet with her, just tell her after this discussion, you will leave it to the professionals to iron out the details and ensure this goes as smoothly as possible for both of you. Remove all your links to her on social media, you don’t need to even tell her you are doing this, just do it. Sorry this happened to you, but it looks like you acknowledge that it might be for the best.