What are some of the best jokes you’ve got?

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  3. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
    We went out and had a few drinks. Nice guy
    He told me that he was a web designer

  4. My Uncle told me this once, I’m sure it’s pretty popular:

    *A man is a bus driver on Sesame St., and insists on meeting all of his riders.*

    *At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are named Patty.*

    *At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on.*

    *At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took off his shoes, and picked at his bunions.*

    *When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new that day.*

    *He said, “Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus.”*

  5. “Why are women so bad at parking?”

    ​

    *hold up your pinky finger

    ​

    “Because men tell them that this is 20 centimeters”

  6. An elderly couple are strolling through a park where they come upon a wishing well. The wife pulls out her coin purse, takes out two pennies and hands one to the husband. They both close their eyes and toss their coins into the well.

    Out of nowhere, a gigantic condor swoops down from the sky. It scoops up the wife with its talons and soars back up into air and flys off for parts unknown.

    As he watches the bird carry off his wife, the husband calls out, “Hey! Hey! I remember where I put the TV remote!”

  8. Joe Biden is President.

    *(Looks like someone didn’t think that was funny).*

  9. Four nuns stand at the gates to heaven upon their death. St. Peter looks in his book and says, “Alright, sisters, it looks like you’ve led very good lives overall, though you each have been inappropriate with a man once in your lifetime. Because you’ve been such good people, I’ll let
    you dip the part of your body that touched a man inappropriately in holy water, I’ll bless it, and you can enter.”

    The first nun walks up and dips her finger in the water, St. Peter blesses it, and she goes in.

    The second nun walks up and puts both her hands in the water, St. Peter blesses them, and she walks in.

    As the third nun walks up, the fourth nun says, “Hey, can I go in front of Sister Ellen? If I want to be blessed, I’ll need to gargle and I want to do that before she puts her ass in the water!”

  11. So, one Tuesday afternoon, a frog walks into the local bank to take out a loan. He walks up to the bank teller, her name is Mrs. Patty Whack. Frog sees her name tag and says, ‘Hi Mrs. Whack. I would like to take out a loan today.’ And Mrs. Whack is thrown off because, you know, usually humans are the ones who take out loans, not frogs. So Mrs. Whack says, ‘Umm…This is peculiar, but, you know what, you’re talking, so let’s just get this over with. If you want a loan, you must really be something. So, tell me about yourself. What’s your name? What’s your background?’ The frog responded, ‘Well, my name is Frog Jagger and actually, you wouldn’t believe this, but my father is Mick Jagger.’ And Mrs. Whack says, “Oh! Well I guess he’s kind of got a froggy face, so it makes sense that he would, like, carry over to you. Maybe he’s a frog himself.’ And Frog says, “Oh no. Don’t say that about my dad. That’s not a nice thing to say about him.’ And then Mrs. Whack says, ‘I’m so sorry. Well, let’s see. Can I have some form of collateral for this loan?’ And Frog takes out a little pink elephant, a special elephant, and he says, “Hey, you know, this is kind of ironic. Elephants are usually larger than frogs, but here I am with like a really tiny elephant in my hand.’ Mrs. Whack chuckles and says, ‘Ok, haha! Let me take this. It’s not the greatest collateral, but I’ll take it. And let me speak to my manager in the back.’ So she goes to the back of the room, and she says to the manager, ‘You know, I’ve got a Mr Frog Jagger who wants to take out a loan. And for collateral, all he has given me is this like little pink porcelain elephant. Do you know anything about this little pink elephant? Is it valuable or whatever?’
    And the manager says to her, ‘It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’

  12. Billy got himself a nice new job at the farm just outside the town, helping farmer Bob. After a hot, long day of cleaning the stalls, they start talking to each other. “Well Billy, you’ve been here for a week now. How do you like it so far?” The farmer asked. Billy replied “I love it, sir! I’m just getting used to the long days. You know, starting early, finishing late. I go home tired every day” he says. It was right at this moment the farmer’s daughter came into the stalls to bring her horse in. A true Daisy Duke you might say, long sexy legs, really short shorts, big double D cup wrapped in a tight shirt and hair as long and golden as Rapunzel. Young Billy kept staring at her, madly in love, with a raging boner in his pants. The farmer noticed Billy checking out his daughter while she walked out the stalls, to the house. “Billy, ol’ boy, you are right. Days are long at the farm, especially on days like these. But the stalls look clean, you worked hard the entire week. You deserve a nice break. Why don’t you drop your stuff and go fuck Bella? You can have her the entire night”. Billy didn’t know what the hell he just heard. “ARE YOU FOR REAL, SIR?!” he asked excited. “Sure” said the farmer, “I fuck her every day myself. Sometimes I let the neighbors fuck her if they pay me for it.” Billy didn’t know what he was hearing. “But sir, isn’t that extremely illegal?” He asked worried. “SURE IT IS! That’s why it’ll be our little secret” he said to Billy, adding a wink. Billy heard enough and RAN after the farmer’s daughter.

    That evening, the farmer was cooking dinner for him and his daughter and when it was all set and done he called up the stairs for her. “DINNER’S READY!”.. but no reply. He decided to check on her, walked upstairs and opened his daughter’s bedroom where he was shocked to see Billy on top of his beautiful daughter. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HUMPING MY DAUGHTER!! GET OFF HER YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!” Billy jumped up, scared for his life. “But sir!! You just said I could fuck Bella!” The farmer walked up to Billy, looks him dead in the eyes and says “Bella is not my daughter, Bella is my horse”

  13. An American man travels to Thailand, and on his first night there he goes to a bar by himself for a drink. As he’s nearing the end of his drink, he feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and sees a young woman. She leans over and whispers in his ear, “I can give you some super sex.” The man looks her up and down, then says “I’ll have the soup.”

  16. A pirate walked into a bar with a ship’s wheel firmly glued to his crotch.

    As he gingerly waddles over to the bar, knocking down a few chairs in the process, the bartender asks him, “Captain, why do you have a wheel on your junk? Doesn’t that hurt?”

    The pirate looks down, looks back up and screams, “Fuck yeah this things hurting! It’s driving me nuts!”

  18. In this movie wolf of Wall Street.
    ALL NUNS ARE LESBIANS. Please don’t get offended.

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