I’ll try and keep this one short. I (35/M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (32/F) for three years now.
Last night I had a moment of weakness and decided to scroll through her Instagram DMs. I know that’s wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. This is the first time I’ve done that.
She messages with a fair amount of people, since she has a lot of
friends from grad school, but I did notice one guy who I did not recognize. I looked through their conversation history, and basically this person from her home town has been thirst messaging her for the entirety of our relationship. Usually about how sexy he thinks he is, how badly he wants to meet so they can hook up while she’s visiting in town etc.
She would “heart” his propositions for sex/flying out to see her and say something like “haha ok maybe 😇” or send kissy faces before deliberately changing the subject. There were also a lot of near misses with them not being able to meet due to Covid, busy work schedules etc which, again, felt intentionally evasive on her part.
After about a year and half of this we were in her hometown and, after being propositioned again, she finally said she has a boyfriend. This has not dissuaded him at ALL. They agreed that catching up wouldn’t be good for the three of us together before she dropped a “However my BF is leaving early and I’m staying a little longer soooo if you’re still in town during that period let me know 😘”. This was eight months ago during Thanksgiving. He said they could maybe have a “wholesome coffee hang” and she agreed that would be ok.
The ensuing messages suggest they never met up due to scheduling, and since then it’s been more of the usual thirst messages with her saying “you’re going to get me in trouble 😈” before changing the subject. From what I can tell they still have never met up, and knowing how afraid of confrontation she is I assume her plan is to keep politely dodging – though that one message is really hard to reason with.
We love each other very much, and she is the most sweet, caring, affectionate person I’ve ever been with. I also know that she takes phone snooping very seriously and has told me in the past she thinks it’s a break up worthy offense. There’s no tactful way to “discuss” this without a possibly relationship ending conclusion.
Curious to hear thoughts.
TL;DR: My girlfriend has been entertaining thirsty messages from what seems to be an old fling, but as far as I know has never done anything with him. How do I handle this?
Edit: I just gently probed for information, saying “didn’t you mention there’s some thirsty ex hookup of yours back home?”. This was never actually mentioned, but I went for it. She said “yes there’s a thirsty boy there” and that he would be “totally chill with hanging out with the three of us”. She also mentioned he knows about me and would never try anything, which seems like a lie, but…it’s something.
8 comments
It’s possible she liked the attention and chase due to not being 100% confident in herself and her wishes and place in the world. It’s an inappropriate fantasy but it’s also very possible that it was never meant as anything else ever in her mind (which I’m not sure is very fair to this guy to use him as an emotional toy but whatever, he’s being very opportunist).
This is the best case I can think of but it’s also kinda the only case – as far as I’m concerned people who cheat or get close *and are truly satisfied with their current relationships and don’t feel trapped in them* do so for internal reasons like old insecurities.
Edit: on how to handle it, bring up if she’s happy at first. With the relationship, with you, then with her life, then with herself, likely the hardest one to reflect on as that’s where insecurities live. Take your time, a few weeks if needed. Then bring up the DMs. On a Sat morning when you have no weekend plans, so she has time. Give her space to process it. Your feelings matter too in the end, but at the same time it’s best to give people space.
Also do remember to apologise for snooping, that’s a serious breach of trust.
A lot of women in particular keep men like that in the back burner for an ego boost. She likely wants the messages to keep coming even without intending to meet him. Are you in a monogamous relationship? How would she react if you were messaging a woman in that manner? That will tell you all you need to know.
Personally I wouldn’t tolerate that in a relationship but it’s up to you.
She is bad at setting boundaries and likes the attention. While it is unlikely she actually wants to hook up with him the risk is still there.
It pretty obvious why snooping would be a “deal breaker” for her since she has something to hide. The point is that her behavior is a way bigger deal breaker and she should be made aware of it.
It’s your decision if you want to sit her down and talk about her behavior or rug sweep and always be in doubt about her faithfulness. Also if she promises to go no contact you’ll need proof of that for at least about a year to reestablish your trust.
She needs to be made aware that her behavior in fact is a deal breaker that very likely could end your relationship.
Bruh she is for the streets the potholes, u need to break up with her rn. The devil emoji is not platonic that is cheating 💀
She’s afraid he’ll get violent or obnoxious if she doesn’t continue to humor him.
So grow a spine and confront her. Lay down some rules and if she doesn’t agree, kick her to the curb.
Sounds like you took the right first step and had a discussion. Personally for me it would be a hard boundary. Not acceptable at all in any relationship I’m in.
You snooped which Is wrong but you know..
She’s being extremely flirty with another guy. You really shouldn’t be okay with her being in contact with him. Tell her to cut it off or leave her. Seriously. You aren’t controlling and you shouldn’t even have to tell her to stop. This is not just a guy thirsting over your girlfriend. Your girlfriend Is actively making an effort to either meet him or at the very least be extra flirty. Why would it not be a good thing for all three to catch up? If it was just a “wholesome coffee hang” then surely there would be no problem if you were there too? This is the cold truth: if they ever did or do meetup for a “coffee hang”, your girlfriend is not having milk in her coffee, she’s having his milk inside her