My (M29) girlfriend (27) of seven years wants to be on OF, i threatened to leave her.
A bit of context to add nuance:
I’ve been with this girl for seven years, after many failed relationships and hookups. We are very much in love, and while we had our ups and downs, we’ve always worked through them and came out stronger. Until now.
According to most people, both me and my girlfriend are conventionally attractive, and we both had an above average number of sexual partners, something that was never an issue for either of us.
In the recent years, she has started selling feet pics online. I was never bothered about this, because it was extra income (for her, as we keep our finances completely separate aside from gifts) and we took the necessary steps to make it as anonymous as possible. Lately however, she has been toying with the idea of becoming a full content creator on OF. At first whenever this came up i brushed it aside, but it turns out her intentions are more serious than I believed. We recently had a huge fight about this, where I lost my temper and ended up giving an ultimatum and storming off. I’m currently living at my moms for a brief period of time.
She told me that I’m basically a controlling asshole for doing this, and gave me these specific reasons:
1. She says that I’m a hypocrite, because “who knows how many girls have your dick pics on their phones, and what about your workout pics on Instagram?”, to which I argued that I only shared nudes with people I absolutely trusted and to my knowledge, they never ended up on public spaces, and the odd shirtless gym pic is not the same thing as exposing my most intimate parts and personality.
2. A year ago I was diagnosed with celiac disease, which as you might know, severely restricts a person ability to cook, travel and eat out. She was onboard with it from the start, and never complained once about the life adjustments we had to make, so she doesn’t understand how I cannot do the same for her. My reply to this was that it’s not something I have chosen for myself, and that I was very clear at the beginning that she could opt out at any time as I didn’t want to hold back her life because of my disease.
3. She called out my supposed hypocrisy because of my involvement in work reform ideologies (huge r/antiwork enthusiast here), that I of all people should understand not wanting to be stuck in a 9-to-5, as I often complain about my work environment and generally dislike the fact that to live I have to be in a office everyday doing something I hate. Work hasn’t been kind to her either, as while we both dislike our jobs, at least I make up for it by making 4 times what she makes, although she still has the financial support of her parents, while I am fatherless and I support my mother whom is too old to work. My reply was that while I understand completely, I wish we could find another way that doesn’t involve taking something very special between us and giving it to the world for profits, and that I was willing to use my personal savings if she had other ideas that could get us both out of the rat race, but not this.
Both of us are sticking to our guns, but here at my moms I had time to reflect about it, and while I’m categorically against it, I can’t help but feel that some of her accusations of hypocrisy might have some merit.
What is your opinion on this and how can we fix it?
47 comments
Does she already have a platform or base of “fans” who have been asking for one from her? This sounds like a boundary for both of you. You can’t fault her for wanting financial independence. Yes, you make enough money but she wants her own money so she doesn’t have to rely on you. On the other hand, she can’t fault you for not being comfortable with it. You can support sex workers and their rights without actively participating in it – meaning maybe you guys need to step back and just be friends if this is going to be a make or break issue. It sounds like either way, someone is going to feel resentful at the outcome.
Nta. having a boundary saying no sex work is reasonable.
It’s okay that you have your boundaries. For example, I am a person that worries a lot so if my husband wanted to become a police officer of fireman and brought it up to me, I would probably say I wasnt comfortable with that. He is allowed to do whatever he wants in his life, but I also am allowed to not put myself through the mental harm that it might lead to.
Not being okay with your partner doing sex work is a healthy boundary. You told her you are not okay with it, if she does it she should have to live with the consequences. Which include ending the relationship. Personally I would end it based off the fact thar she’s trying to guilt you/ pressure you into being okay with it. She doesn’t respect your boundaries and the disrespect will get worse once she’s selling her body.
Her arguments don’t make sense.
1.as you said you sent nudes to people you knew. Not for money and not public. Additionally she probably did the same.
2. As you already said you didn’t choose to have a disease. Ask her if she thinks that if she gets some disease, you would be entitled to fuck other women if you don’t complain about adjustments to your life. Additionally she complains about the adjustments, if she uses them as weapons.
3. This is completely unrelated. Just because you are against 9-5 jobs doesn’t mean you want to be with a sex worker.
She’s emotionally manipulating you.
I suppose the best you can say to her is that she is free to do what she wants, that you are not trying to control her. However, you are not interested in being in a relationship with a SW. You are just not comfortable with that scenario, so if she chooses to adopt that line of work then you will be forced to end the relationship.
I understand both your points of view. You are allowed to have boundaries and she’s allowed to do whatever job she wants and you are at an impasse.
I just wish she would do a little bit more research because the vast majority of OF content creators do not make very much money. Only the top 1% is making real money, everyone else makes peanuts. I’ve heard that the only people that make real money have an existing base of social media followers. It’s very difficult to start from scratch. So she’s probably going to mess up her relationship for something that won’t even make her very much money.
NTA
You are having your boundaries and that’s totally fine, aswell it’s fine for he for wanting to become an OF model. The problem lies with facing consequentes of your choice. I think it is important to stick to yourself, and if I would have make the descicion I would hold my grounds, even if that means losing my gf. I think OF is a step to far, it would disrespect you and your relationship, and it doesn’t come even close to you posting on instagram and for you participating in r/antiwork. I don’t think you can compare all of this, and it’s a pathetic move to make you feel guilty, and get you on board.
Sex work is literally about giving someone else sexual gratification. That’s either emotionless or intimate. If she’s giving you intimacy and willing to give that part of her to others for cash, it doesn’t bode well for her and you. Some guys are OK with it, but the best majority of both men and women do not want to share their partner.
None of her examples of hypocrisy pass the smell test. You set a relationship boundary.
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Thank you for all the useful comments from both sides of the issue, aside from the usual turds that always show up. She called me and asked me to meet and talk about this in tears, and i said yes if only because I want to know if this is just her acting out due to financial pressures or she really wants to do this for other reasons. I will update my original post after.
Not wanting your partner to get naked for other people online is a perfectly reasonable and healthy boundary. You’re not a hypocrite by asking her to not, you’re setting a VERY common boundary.
You are allowed to have boundaries. Define the boundary in advance, then enforce it if required.
There is nothing wrong with avoiding relationships with people in pron or sex work.
Relationship is pretty much over.
She can try to justify it anyway she wants but if you think it’s a bridge too far, that’s what you feel. Just as you can’t really stop her, she can’t control how you feel about it. There are dealbreakers in relationships and this sounds like one of them so if she doesn’t back down or come up with a way to do it that you’ll feel comfortable about it, you’d better be prepared to walk away.
If it were me I would ask for a compromise, no full on nudity/very explicit stuff, continue to do feet or just general fetish stuff, glamour/lingerie and have the passwords and even offer to help reply to people or help take some pics, it could even bring you closer to have that project and insight that its not as bad as you think and shell feel supported
None of this post matters. This is very simple. This is a matter of choice. The reasonings are subjective to each.
She has every right to open an OF account.
But, you have every right to end the relationship because of it.
It is your preference. This can be argued for both sides equally but in the end, if your not comfortable with her decision, then it’s your right to walk away.
Everyone has choices. Those choices either have a good consequence or a bad consequence. Only the persons making that decision can decide if the consequences are worth the decision.
Her choice is simple. Keep the relationship in tact or have an OF account.
Your decision is to be ok with her having the OF, or deciding your uncomfortable and ending the relationship.
It’s perfectly normal for someone to not want a partner who is a sex worker. You can’t tell her what to do, but you can tell her that you’re never dating a sex worker.
There are plenty of people okay with it and plenty not. Some men are even happy to pimp their girlfriends out. There is no single standard – what matters is YOUR standard.
You’re not a bad person for having a standard. Let let her go, it’s good money and she will find a man with lower standards, and you will find a woman who shares your values.
Can’t wait to see the update. You are absolutely doing nothing wrong here
You don’t have to be okay with it. Maybe your relationship has run its course, some people are just incompatible even after 7 years. Who knows, maybe you’ll find someone who respects your boundaries without trying to undermine them.
I talked with my boyfriend about doing the same, and he set the same boundary. I was only ok with doing it if he was ok with it, and he was not.
Your boundary is perfectly reasonable. Her wanting to do it anyways is also prefecture reasonable, as at the end of the day it is her life to do with what she chooses. She doesn’t get to bulldoze your feelings though, or say you’re controlling for not wanting to be in a relationship with a SW.
She’s free to do what she wants but for this type of work you both need to be on board with it and I honestly wouldn’t recommend it for anyone.
My ex sold pics and videos and did cam work, I also got into cam work as a result and things went to shit pretty fast after that, our sex life was sold for a premium and she became deceitful and dishonest and the whole thing destroyed our relationship.
I am not disputing that but it all boils down to his personal boundaries.
Obviously, he has no problem with some anonymous feet pictures on occasion and has decided they are harmless. Jumping to full nudes which likely show her face, direct contact with her “fans” through chats and videos of various activities jump past his boundaries. He sees the first as harmless fun and second as full fledged SW.
I am sure he also is asking himself “What is next?” What if pics and videos are not enough to bring in the subscribers she needs? Does she also include lewd messaging (sexting)? What other services will she decide she has to offer to make this venture financially viable?
He is setting his boundaries at what he feels comfortable. He can convince himself that feet pics are just a harmless hobby she does on occasion. This is a far jump from full fledged SW, which is what OF is. You may not agree but what you and I think is not important. It’s OP’s opinion that matters since it is his life and his decision (not the do or do not of SW, but the staying in a relationship with a SW).
My opinion? My opinion is that I acknowledge sex work as legitimate work, but also that I personally see it as crude and completely incompatible with any relationship I choose to cultivate. Some people may be high IQ/EQ enough to separate their body from their mind, but I’m sure as hell not. If my partner truly wanted to do that and I knew I couldn’t stop her, then I would save myself the heartache and end it. You have to love yourself in a relationship too, you know.
My advice? Find out **exactly** why SHE would want to pursue this, not reasons why she sees YOU as an asshole for not complying.
1. If she can’t articulate that properly, then communication is an issue in the relationship, clearly.
2. If she’s doing it for the money, then you must discuss the consequences of pursuing sex work (selling sex, whichever you prefer) and whether there are ANY AND ALL alternatives for making money.
3. If she’s doing it for the attention, you guys need to discuss where her lack of self-esteem or fulfilment is coming from. Normally, people don’t turn to selling pictures of their body online if they are completely content in their relationship.
4. If she’s doing it because she enjoys it, then you need to sit down with yourself and ask whether you’re ok with being with someone who will always harbour this sort of thing.
Remember this, however:
You’re still young and it’s not about who you start with, it’s about how it ends.
Leave her don’t listen to any of these fools if it’s an issue let it be
It’s not controlling to say you don’t want to date someone who’s going from having a toe in sex work to jumping full in. It’s an entirely reasonable boundary to not want your partner to be sharing intimate parts of themselves with other (also reasonable to not care).
Her anti work argument just doesn’t hold water. There’s plenty of not 9-5 jobs that some partners would not be ok with them having. Hell there’s probably some 9-5 jobs people wouldn’t want their partner to do.
Neither does the celiac one. For one I presume you didn’t demand that she do that. And for two even if she did eat gluten it wouldn’t harm you and you not eating gluten doesn’t harm her.
Nor does the other one. So because you’ve had sex with other people she can’t complain if you wanted to have sex for money? That’s a ludicrous argument, but that’s the one she’s making.
You either go with the flow or leave her to do what she wants cause at the end of the day she’s an adult that knows what she want.
You don’t have to date someone with an OF account if you do not want to. It is ok to have boundaries and deal breakers. You aren’t trying to control her. You informed her if she starts an account, you will end the relationship. It doesn’t have to be a discussion. You made your boundaries clear.
How is you having sent nudes in the past any relevance to her selling pornography online? She is teaching and trampling over your boundaries
I’m more concerned she compared having an OF account to Celiac. Like not even in the same ballpark
1. The devil is in the details. You are okay with her selling feet pics but not OF. She could be a foot nitch OF or she could want to do fan-fuck. Find out specifically what she envisions short and long term. What do you dislike about it?Maybe there is a happy medium. If she does not want a 9-5 job and only wants to show feet it sounds like a happy compromise.
2. You are not necessarily being controlling. It is more about how you say stuff than what you say. But there are certain things that are deal breakers and if this is one of them then you can walk out.
Doesn’t matter. She is losing her morals.
You don’t have a relationship with her and have her share herself with other men. Is she going to do thus with your friends? Then what’s next? Full on escort? They get bored, and a cold heart. Just for money and the attention.
Thud might be the end of your relationship. You keep to your morals. Respect for a good relationship.
What’s up with this generation and whoring?
Just end the relationship, man. If she’s that much insistent on her epiphany to add to the exploitation of desperate men, then let her pursue her dreams by herself.
In the end, she gets to do what she wants with her body and her life, but you also get to be uncomfortable with that and leave. You can’t compare a medical condition with someone’s career choices. You also can’t make yourself feel comfortable with something that innately you are not.
You aren’t controlling her, you are controlling yourself and your boundaries regarding a suitable partner. It is not unreasonable to want private things in your relationship to be just that, private. What either of you did before may cut into that privacy, but that doesn’t mean that throws all future precautions out the window.
Content Creator,lol
Some food for thought…
From what I understand OF accounts that are the most successful ($$) are the result of the content creator becoming more interactive with their followers. Plus she’s showing her face which as you said isn’t anonymous, even with a fake name.
OF has options for real-time chat, making custom videos and other content for tips. So guys will get to know her (however much of herself she puts out there), flirt, jack off to interactive content and so forth. She may not do these at first but from what i understand most creators don’t make as much money as they thought so I would assume creators either get frustrated and quit, or start “working it” by ramping up the interaction.
Just my two cents but I would think it’s more than reasonable to draw a line between anonymous pics and what happens on OF.
It’s simple. Being with a sex worker is like being in an open relationship. You don’t want to be in one, and she doesn’t care. You are incompatible, unless one of you makes a massive compromise that could easily break you down. It is time to break up.
And to be fair, you didn’t realize you were getting into an open relationship with her selling the feet pics, but you were. For future relationships it’s important to note that making it totally anonymous doesn’t change how it feels for her versus how it feels for you.
She did realize she was getting into sex work and an open relationship type of situation, and her boundary is already crossed. She’s already getting into “my body is just a body” types of mindsets, which you have to allow her to do if that is what she wants. I just don’t recommend staying with her for even one more day unless you suddenly want that.
Take this a huge bullet dodged for the rest of your life. It’s hard to hear… but she’s not going to change her mind. Wish her best of luck with her work but it’s not for you. So many red flags.
Your comment “We are very much in love…” is only partially true. You are in love with her. She is in love with herself and has you as a backup.
Break up with her for even thinking about it
Yeah, everybody thinks that OF is easy money. They think of Belle Delphine selling bath water for ridiculous amounts of money and think that that’s what it’s going to be like. Instead for the majority it’s a constant battle to keep their subscribers engaged, with a high turn-over of paying customers.
So what does she plan to do. Topless? Nude? More? Even if she starts off with only nudes, there’ll be pressure to do more. More explicit poses please. Can you stick a couple of fingers in there? If I buy you this toy can you please use it? Can you make me this custom video? Can we sext? Will she at some point decide that videoing herself having sex is the way to keep subscribers?
If OP says he has no problems with his gf doing OF then he is saying that he is ok with her doing any and all of what I’ve described above. Some guys might be ok with that and that’s cool. I don’t think it’s controlling or hypocritical with OP saying he is not ok with it.
Going point by point:
1. Sharing yourself sexually with a sexual/intimate partner or fitness pictures on IG are not the same as sex work – which is what she wants.
2. She’s trying to use your disease, which you did not choose, as an excuse to manipulate you into accepting her sex work. The fact that she’s attempting to use such dishonest ways to strong-arm your acceptance of what you stated is beyond your boundary is a red flag.
3. Despite your aversion to a 9-5 you work and handle your responsibilities because you’re an adult. She can choose whatever form of work she chooses too but you won’t be around there for it. That’s not controlling. That’s establishing a healthy boundary. You are under no obligations to confine yourself to a relationship that opposes your core principles. Sex work clearly goes against your ideals in a relationship. That’s that. What she’s doing is trying to renegotiate the terms of your boundaries. Not how it works.
In her mind, the only way she’ll be happy with you or your relationship is if you’re unhappy. Boundaries are great. She’s allowed to have them too. If your aversion to sex work is a problem, she is free to leave. What she cannot do is use manipulative tactics.
Its okay to not be okay with it. The idea of your significant other taking naked pictures and videos. And posting for anyone whos willing to pay monthly for it. And on top of that, the time she will have to spend talking to these men every day…sexually, to get them to spend more money. And doing private requests. And the idea that at some point, the acknowledgments, compliments she gets from all these people, will you even matter? You call her beautiful, but she has thousands of guys telling her that. Whats so special about your compliments, your affection then.
Nobody can force you to accept something that is unacceptable to you. You’ve made your position clear, now stand by your word. If she wants to do something like that, she’s an adult and can make her own decisions. If you don’t want that nonsense in your life, it’s your choice to stay or leave.
My gf had an OF prior to us meeting and also deleted it before we met. She asked me early on if I would ever date someone who had one and I said no. It’s important to make your boundaries clear. You can’t tell her what to do with her life/body. She can’t tell you what to do with your boundaries and relationship standards. She’s free to start an OF and you are free to leave her.
If there is any possibility in your head that you could be okay with her having an OF then I suggest you discuss it with her and set those boundaries too. Personally I would leave my partner immediately, but everyone is different.