My (31F) fiance (32M) and I are getting married next year and we just had a baby. A few months ago I felt my fiance was being distant from me and was getting suspicious of him constantly going to the bathroom even bringing his phone in just to pee. My hormones got the best of me and I snooped.

I found some things that upset me. I brought it up to him and obviously he said he was hurt that I snooped and breached his privacy but he was also upset that he had done something to upset me. It definitely caused some tension between the two of us and things are better now for sure. I am still sort of triggered by him searching for his ex but this is because I’m insecure and she was definitely his “type”, and I am also still feeling like I can’t trust him sometimes.

I use his tablet during the day with the baby and went to continue playing a nursery rhyme video I was in the middle of playing through the watch history on youtube and noticed that last thing that was watched before the nursery rhymes was back in February. I know he watches youtube on his phone and just saw him do this the other day so now I think he’s switched to his other google email account? It’s not even like he watches anything bad on youtube, like car/mechanic videos and music videos so I don’t get why he would switch accounts and now I just feel like he’s hiding something again. I understand privacy but if he didn’t have anything to hide then I wouldn’t see the need for this.

I already go to therapy myself and have brought up my insecurities since all of this but sometimes I think I’m afraid this will always be an underlying issue that is my fault for snooping.

Anyone else have successful marriages with rebuilding trust with one another? Any advice?

8 comments

  1. This reads more like insecurity issues and not trust issues. Sounds like you need to work on your communication skills with your husband. Good luck OP

  2. Those aren’t your hormones getting the best of you, that’s your gut instinct letting you know that he’s up to shady behavior. When you checked on it it turned out your instincts were correct. It pisses me off when people accuse the OP of having “insecurity issues” in cases such as these. The fact is that there shouldn’t be any secret behaviors going on when you’re the part of a couple. Privacy is something that we give our significant others but the fact is that what he’s doing he would never do openly in front of you and he knows it would upset you. He’s being shady, dishonest and disrespectful. You’ve asked him not to do it and since he lacks respect for you he chooses instead to continue it behind your back. Clearly he cares less about you being happy than he does about his own secret life. There isn’t any way to to rebuild trust except for him to become an open book and give 100% access to all of his online accounts and activities. Counseling could help him in that he’d be hearing from a third party that what he is doing is damaging your relationship, but he already knows that since he’s hiding it. He just doesn’t care to change it.

  3. I think it’s a good sign that you’ve both made progress, but I empathize with how disappointing it is when those trust and insecurity issues don’t go away overnight.

    My husband and I have had somewhat similar issues, and talking through things made us both realize how much he needs his own space and time to pursue his own interests. Doing things that felt sneaky or problematic were like an easy shortcut to having his own mental space.

    Granted, we don’t have kids and I totally understand that adding a newborn into the mix makes the concept of personal time really challenging. But try talking to him about the difference between personal space and secrecy, and see if you can build in some personal space for the both of you.

  4. You speak like the secret police. “I understand privacy but if he had nothing to hide then there wouldn’t see the need for this”. The truth is you do NOT respect his privacy at all and your continual snooping is eroding your relationship. If you don’t trust him, leave him. Otherwise respect his privacy.

  6. I have 2 accounts I use for YouTube cos I don’t want the kids stuff in my queue. Could be the same for him but if you can’t trust him, things are just going to get worse.

  7. You can look on YouTube without signing in so maybe he’s doing that? I understand the feelings of insecurity and it gets to a point where you either have to just trust him or accept that you never fully will. Which can mean further issues. I’m sorry this happened.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like