So the title might sound a bit misleading from the intent. For reference I want to get her thoughts, opinions and such on things and discuss without it sounding like an attack or accusation. Now to the context:
I (35M) have been seeing this woman (38F) for about 2 months, so far, so good.
Well, good but like all things I’m seeing a few behaviours that I want to try and understand, rather than bring it up when it’s a problem (which by that point it sets a tone that it was fine before, why isn’t it now?).
What sort of things am I talking about? Well her dog is one. I have no problem with dogs and he is a cute pup, however I came from a family who treated pets as pets – and she’s treating it as a surrogate child. So I’m getting bombarded with photos and such and really I don’t have that level of attachment or see it in that way. So my concern is that if I’m not matching her enthusiasm, it’s going to be a cause of friction.
The other thing is where it’s pretty understandable and fine now, but yes I want to get her thoughts on it because if it continues I know it will annoy the living bejesus out of me. She’s usually pretty busy and our time together is limited for the moment (I work shifts), but in the case of this weekend she goes “oh I cleared my schedule, but my hair appointment I couldn’t move and I told X person I wasn’t available” which she does on a regular basis (makes a really obvious point about how she clears her schedule). On the surface it could be as simple as just letting me know, but the pragmatist in me wonders why mention it at all? Like just say “oh, just come round at X time”
The way I want to communicate it is not as an accusation, or insinuation but a “look this is what’s happening, how are you seeing it?” Because for all I know there’s a great reason. But I also know that if she gets defensive or if it gets derailed then it would be a very unproductive conversation.
20 comments
Open. Convo. That’s it. Exactly what you told us. If she has a bad reaction that sort of tells you how things will go
I would just ask for what I need, in concrete terms. I wouldn’t ask how she feels about something that’s obviously not a problem for her. No need to make this about the other person, their behavior or personality at all. Make it about something you want, like a more regular and predictable method of scheduling dates, even if those days fall on different days every two weeks. (For example, you give her the possible days as soon as you get to know your shifts, she picks the days, and you commit to them there and then.)
I really don’t see how it’s a problem that she consistently tells you what her plans are?
The first thing I’d be really careful on. Her dog may be the most consistent and loyal being in her life and I get that it’s not for you, but to be like “I don’t care,” I just don’t see it going well. Relationships are about caring about things our partners care about. Maybe don’t give effusive responsive but trying to limit the pictures, I don’t think you say that if you want to continue seeing her.
The second thing I don’t get why it’s a problem. To me it seems like you’re being insecure about her being busy, when she’s just sharing what’s going on in her life that day. If you were to tell me that, I would think you have a fragile ego.
Aww..
Brother my real advice will be – youre gonna find things that annoy wherever you go.. If the REST of her is someone you can live with and see a long term future with then:
1. Start feigning interest in the dog.. Typing some version of “ha ha what a cutie” will take you less than 4 seconds and will go a long way.
2. Is not an issue at all. Say thank you for clearing your schedule for me(!!) and move on,
This is not complicated at all. Curb that part of your brain.
On the first part, you’re likely not going to convince someone who is of the “furbaby” kind of pet owner to not be that way, so that might be a dealbreaker if you’re not into it. There’s not really a way to address it without coming off as uncaring or mean.
About the scheduling thing — that you could probably talk through. I can totally see why someone making a whole song and dance of reserving time for you would be mildly irritating. Acknowledge that you appreciate them making you a priority but that it feels a little unnecessary for it to seem like an imposition.
I don’t understand the second issue. It sounds like she’s telling you all the different time slots that she has free so that you can then choose which one(s) work for you? If she’s busy and you have a schedule that changes constantly, that seems like the most efficient way to do it. But you’d rather she just instruct you when to come over, rather than giving you the choice? Doesn’t that put all the planning work on her, rather than making it a shared job?
I have to say, both these things are very nitpicky and bringing them up as issues is unlikely to go down well. Can you not just get over them?
When I am bothered by very small things it’s usually a sign that overall compatibility is lacking. When I’m crazy about someone I don’t notice the insignificant things.
Dogs are people too. If you’re with someone who believes this and you don’t internalise the fact, maybe she’s not the right person. Maybe find someone who treats dogs as pets — whatever that means.
You could simplify it too. This is something that is incredibly important to her. If you can’t deal with the thing, you’re not going to last very long, or will need to feign interest
To me it reads that she is already resentful of your schedule, and she’s being slightly passive aggressive. You should probably talk with her about this, and let her know whether your shiftwork schedule will continue indefinitely, or if there’s an end date when you would become more available.
The dog thing is hard. It’s sort of like being an atheist trying to date someone who is religious. I don’t think I’d be able to do it / take the person seriously.
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For the dog question– There may be a lot of internal stuff going on for a 38 year old woman regarding having/not having children, and it’s not unusual to transfer some of those emotions onto a pet. Try to have some compassion when it comes to that. Also start suggesting other activities to do with the dog that you’re also comfortable with. But honestly, getting bombarded with cute dog pics is pretty low on the list of relationship troubles so I hope you can make peace with it 😀
For the second thing you posted…also sounds like a pretty normal issue of you communicating schedules/plans differently. Try to focus on the important positive parts which are that she a) kept you in the loop and b) made time for you.
Frank, just be frank with her.
OP. What do you want for yourself? This is not meant to be critical of your concerns. Trust me, we share similar perspectives. Do you want to keep seeing her? Is she what you want long term? As I’m reading your post, I’m inclined to believe the woman you’re dating is your wife? She’s not and I fear you’re falling into the trap of, I can change her”. Spoiler alert: most likely not. You can walk away. There will be many other women that better fit your needs. Based on the little info in this post, you’re not seeking a unicorn.
Yeah I agree with most comments here. There is nothing you can do about the dog situation this esker on. Maybe if all goes well in many months you can make a joke of like “okay I’m good for dog pictures”. But you better treat that dog like you love it lol.
And the other thing with plans, meh, whatever. She’s making an effort to see you, some people would kill for that. Enjoy!
Do you really like her? These are very small issues to take umbrage with.
You sound overly critical. Additionally She sounds neurodivergent while you sound neurotypical. The reason I say this is because of the overexplaining or saying a reason why. That’s a very common trait of neurodivergent people where we over explain. So we make sure no context is lost. She is probably not implying anything by having to move her schedule around for you. She just wants you to know why she’s going to be late and what she couldn’t move and wants to know when you went to see her.
As for the dog thing, sounds like you’re just not a dog person, which I’m not a dog person either, but I really love my boyfriend and I like when he sends me photos of his dog, so it doesn’t bother me. She’s sharing a part of herself with you and you’re not caring for it. If it bothers you then it’s probably not meant to go on.
I just have to chime in because some of the responses you’re getting about the dog are LOL. I don’t have good advice for you, but I totally feel you on the excessive dog pictures thing. I have a friend who used to constantly send me pics of her dogs and it was annoying AF.
Btw – I’m a total dog person, and I have a furbaby of my own who I love and adore and is spoiled rotten. But Jesus I don’t need to see more than 1 pic of someone else’s dog on a daily basis. Every once and awhile yes of course cuz I love cute things, but damn 50 pics a day? That’s what Facebook is for and she needs to calm down. My friend doesn’t bombard me with photos anymore, but that’s cuz I stopped acknowledging them or just hit her with a thumbs up. I know it’s different since you are dating this person so maybe just thumbs up every now and then and change the topic whenever you can. Once you get more serious and comfortable, that’s when you can be more forthcoming.
You need to find someone else. Just for the fact of how much you’re not a dog person and she is. Yeah this ain’t gonna work out buddy. My dogs are my kids and knowing other people like me, this is not gonna fly.
My ex wife was all about the dog until she got pregnant. She saw her once in the 5 years between our separation and the day the dog died. Your girlfriend telling you she cleared her schedule is her way of telling you you’re important. Don’t ruin things by over analyzing them.