We’ve been seeing each other for a year. Everything is great. We like each other’s families, values align, friends are great, we have great communication. To be honest I want to propose this year.
Right now I’m really not sure how to manage my partners drinking which is my only worry. She’s displaying some signs of alcoholism.
-hiding her drinking
-unable to stop or resist the temptation
-leaning on it on times of stress.
It doesn’t impact her job, personality, finances or relationships but I know these are earlier signs that it can get worse.
Her ex husband is an alcoholic and is the reason she left him. She shared in April she was worried she was an alcoholic.
Back in May she said was giving up alcohol and hiding it and when I took out trash one day at her place the trash bag from the day before was filled with cans. I confronted her about it and she didn’t deny it.
June she started going to A A meetings but stopped when she moved to a rural community. The new place was men only and she felt uncomfortable.
Back in August she would get drunk as a way to cope with her new job in the middle of the week at the most stressful times in stead of getting caught up.
Back in September she stayed in my apt for a month when she was between her old and new apt and she asked me to remove the alcohol from the apt to help her. Which I don’t mind.
She was drinking 2-3 a night in the fall.
She knows she needs to adjust her life. Most recently she decided to give up drinking for January (I never suggested it). 15 days in she we got together with friends and they brought alcohol and she was about to drink until I asked if she was giving up on her plan and she backed down. Last night 25 days in she spent the night and before I got home she drank two white claws in the two hours before I got home and I found them in the trash the next morning.
She doesn’t deny anything but only when I ask is when I find out. Im worried it’s worse and she’s hiding it. Her parents know it’s an issue too. Im trying hard to not be mad about it because im worried she will hide it more. Im also becoming very paranoid it’s worse then what it is and it’s hindering my trust.
:Update: thank you all the advice. I came over her place for dinner to talk more. She fell alseep on the couch and just found a white claw can (freshly opened) under the sink. I found a tarvis mug filled with white claw in the pantry. She fell asleep so I just called her sister. She is an alcoholic and her family knows. It’s been about a year 1/2 but I’m not alone. I will need to decide my boundary and decide what’s next. Thank you all. I’m still in shock but I’m going to go to an Al anon meeting as soon as possible and find a counselor.
28 comments
I mean this very kindly and gently…are you venting or asking for help from this group in some way? I have very much been in a similar position but It was drugs and I found out after married for some years. And it ended catastrophically so I want to know what you’re looking for before responding.
It’s almost certainly worse than what you think it is, rule of thumb is whatever they say or you think they are drinking, triple it. It explodes into a mighty shit show that you can’t help, there is literally zero help you can give until they are absolutely 100% categorically determined to help themselves.
The alcoholic will only get help when they perceive themselves to be at rock bottom. They may go through rock bottom with you, you leaving may help them get to rock bottom, or they may never make it. It’s not something you can control.
My sister was hospitalized with electrolyte imbalances partially caused by excessive drinking (she’d drink to force herself to vomit. Alcoholism and bulimia are common co-morbidities). When the doctor told her it was life threatening, she checked herself out of the hospital against the doctor’s wishes, and went home and passed in her own bed.
It seems she may be self medicating. Has she tried seeing a mental health professional? I was drinking too much, but then got meds for anxiety and I didn’t feel the need to drink so much anymore. Particularly if it’s during stressful times. Just a thought.
If this is a person you want to stay with for the longterm you should try al-anon.
Also, i thought i heard something about online AA meetings during Covid? Maybe she could try one of those and get a sponsor she can call.
The truth is, alcoholics can’t/won’t change for anyone else. They may try, but they have to actually want to quit as well and for a lot of them, the comfort of the addiction is worth more than anything else.
If you decide to stay with this person, you need to set boundaries but you also need to prepare yourself to become that person’s watcher and guardian. The lying and the emotional outbursts that will come with alcoholism are no fun. Get yourself to Al-Anon, get yourself a therapist, but also, honestly, considering separating from this person.
sincerely,
daughter of an alcoholic.
My ex was an alcoholic. She didn’t drink everyday. She didn’t hide drink, mostly. But when she would drink she could not stop. Alcoholism has many different looks, but your partner definitely fits the bill.
The only thing you can do is provide an ultimatum and stand by it. And the ultimatum is that she stops drinking altogether or the relationship is over. You have to stick by that ultimatum.
My ex would go to work happy hours and get blasted. One holiday happy hour she came home drunk and started verbally harassing me. This escalated to her repeatedly punching me in the face/head. The next day i gave her an ultimatum. She stopped drinking for about 2 years, until one evening she went to another work happy hour and came home drunk. I confronted her the next day, but this was the beginning of the end of the relationship unfortunately. We didn’t break up on the spot, but all of my trust in her was gone. I never looked at her the same after that and within a year it was over.
I don’t think she has had a drink since, I haven’t spoken to her in quite a while, but the ultimatum was that she doesn’t drink anymore or i leave. One of the last things she did say to me the night before she moved out of the home we owned together was how grateful she was that i stood up to her and helped her realize her problem and to get sober. Alcohol can have a very strong hold on people, to the point where they are willing to risk their social circles and families for it in some cases. It’s sad and unfortunately glorified to many people, specifically women. Good luck.
I have experience at the other end of the spectrum. Saw my marriage of “forever” years destroyed due to my wife’s unmitigated alcoholism. It’s hard to say what you should do, but I would not move forward until your potential partner seeks professional help and works through a program (with others). I could also make the argument that it’s time now for you to move on. Most addicts who recover end up relapsing. When I heard this for the first time, I balked – I couldn’t believe it (thinking that as a family member I couldn’t possibly go thru this again). Well, after 6 relapses (wife), I finally believed it. Life it to short and many can’t solve the problem once it has gone too far. Godspeed.
Admitting she needs to get it together is a plus, but it’s more than just that. She’s an addict and almost certain there’s more you’re unaware of.
As far as a proposal, you should not be considering marriage with this person at this point. She needs to be well into recovery, or better yet, sober without relapse before marriage. You cannot save her from herself. She is the only one who can do that.
YOU can’t manage it. It’s something that she is going to have to come to terms with and decide to manage on her own, which if she is an alcoholic, could take a while.
>To be honest I want to propose this year.
Nope, nope, no no no no nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
So much support here for you. So so so much. You’re going through an enormous breach of trust and holy hell.
It’s so hard, but you cannot help someone choose to face their demons. Only they can make that choice. They need to be willing to really work, work hard, and make slow progress. Really slowly. They cannot use you as a crutch, and you should not put yourself in that situation.
You need to decide what you want, ask if it’s realistic, and lay it out. Because if she’s already lying, there is no trust. I know how harsh and hard that is.
Long story short, I left my ex-husband when a combination of substance use and poor communication culminated in his becoming verbally abusive and in denial of basic reality. It came to choosing between couples counselling and pot, and he chose pot. Pot was his placeholder for his previous alcoholism, which was his crutch for a terrible childhood and hatred of his work that he refused to confront or change.
For years, I thought if I just stood by him, helped him realize his dreams, and never wavered, he’d get past his issues and become… someone else, more like those early years when we first were together. It didn’t happen and he became abusive and even more resentful of me. He didn’t want to confront his demons, he wanted the world and me to shift everything to accommodate him. He didn’t value the truth or “us” more than his substances and his own view of life. It took time for him to go from a pretty decent person to that, but the real nail in the coffin was when he began to lie about “going to counselling” and then to “underestimate” how much he was spending on pot while telling me we were poor because of me (that year, we netted $80k even with me part-time taking care of our small daughter).
Lies tell you you cannot help. They need to help themselves.
Check out the app Reframe, it could be really helpful for her. For reducing or quitting drinking. There are also online AA meetings. And therapy. Good luck!
Loosely reminds me of the movie ‘When a man loves a woman’.
Really strong performances by Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia.
Wish you and her the best.
Re: paragraph three, where you claim it’s not impacting all these other parts of her life. But of course it is. Aside from the subtle lasting effects of alcohol being processed by the body (being subtle They are usually unacknowledged)…. By using it as a crutch instead of getting the help she needs impacts every aspect of her life day and night. And most aspects of yours too
Have a look over at the r/alanon subreddit. Hell even look at my post history. OP it’s great you are asking these questions. Don’t make the mistake that I did which was to fool myself into thinking “oh they just need to stop drinking, how hard can that be”. I lost 3 years of my life because of that only to end up with no relationship post relapse, abuse and cheating. I am not saying that is what will definitely happen, but success stories are rare. Positives are that she accepts she has a problem but it really is a life long battle with so much unpredictability. Maybe hold off on marriage until she has a year of sobriety, especially as you have never known her as a sober person? I don’t mean those periods inbetween, I mean an absolute teetotaler.
Take care and all the best with whatever you decide.
Head over to r/alanon
It doesn’t matter if she is an alcoholic or not, if her drinking causes problems for her, you or your relationship, then its a drinking problem.
I caution you on marrying someone who struggles with lying and substances. I just left a 4 year rollercoaster with a man who did those things. He was a binge drinker, not a daily drinker. He lied about drinking and other things. It was a constant strain on our relationship and both of our mental health. His drinking and depression was always a crutch, an excuse to act poorly because he “needed help” though never got any. Its traumatic to live with a problem drinker.
>Right now I’m really not sure how to manage my partners drinking which is my only worry. She’s displaying some signs of alcoholism.
The thing here is you can’t manage her drinking. It’s her issue.
>It doesn’t impact her job, personality, finances or relationships but I know these are earlier signs that it can get worse.
Most alcoholics fall into a “functional” umbrella. Addiction is determined by where the substance falls into your hierarchy of needs, not how well someone does “managing” it.
>
Back in May she said was giving up alcohol and hiding it and when I took out trash
So she wasn’t giving up alcohol
>Most recently she decided to give up drinking for January (I never suggested it). 15 days in she we got together with friends and they brought alcohol and she was about to drink until I asked if she was giving up on her plan and she backed down. Last night 25 days in she spent the night and before I got home she drank two white claws in the two hours before I got home and I found them in the trash the next morning.
Because most people who do Dry January aren’t accomplishing anything other than establishing an arbitrary self-reward system for when they can start drinking again
Idk how to navigate this other than tell you do not propose to this woman. A year is really not long enough to be proposing if you don’t live together or haven’t been living together that long. You’re not seeing a lot of her behaviors. I would say you should do some self reflection and figure out how much of this relationship you’ve spent actually knowing who she really is. How much can you know about someone when they’re constantly drunk and their personality is constantly slightly altered? My ex was/ is an addict and I realized I didn’t really know or like the real him at all.
Don’t propose. Managing an alcoholic or addict is not easy, they can say they want to do something about it but don’t until they want to. She is an alcoholic, all the things you listed are proof.
AA doctrine about alcoholism tends to dominate discussions of it, (and I’ve found AlAnon very useful at times when I needed support – I’m a big fan of the support group format) but it’s simply not in line with research on addiction. The “all or nothing, forever” model of abstinence isn’t necessary for most people (and can actually ve counter-productive), and some people never hit rock bottom. Personally, I find the “you must admit that you’re powerless” really discouraging, like we don’t have agency and responsibility.
Most addicts aren’t happy and are looking to numb or escape that. That’s true across substances/behaviours. Nothing we did helped my mom with her alcoholism. She kept drinking after a DUI, losing multiple jobs (she’d show up drunk), liver failure, her kidneys are dicey, hepatitis, diabetes, and destroying every relationship in her life. She’s been told she was 50/50 to live the month. This week she was told she’s got a 40% chance of dying in the next 3 months. She got wasted and fell on Boxing Day and damaged her spine. She’s never going to regain control of her legs, bladder or bowels because she wouldn’t survive surgery for her spine. And you know what? If she had access to alcohol, she’d fucking drink it, because she’s a miserable human being. She’s an asshole, but that’s neither here nor there. She’s unhappy, and she’s never been willing to be self reflective and do the work so therapy’s never been helpful.
Do not move forward in your relationship until she’s had a heslthy relationship with alcohol for some time. Do encourage her to explore why she drinks and address that root cause, ideally with a mental health professional.
This is a super long article and somewhat dated but I found it really interesting and helpful when I first read it. It discusses the pitfalls of 12 step programs and a number of alternatives and is written by the author of a book about alcoholism in women: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/04/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/
I’d recommend Smart recovery for her (which is largely online right now) and al-anon for you. Smart is more CBT than Jesus based which resonates with a lot of folks who feel judged (and subsequently hide) their addiction.
hugs.
Unfortunately this isn’t something you can manage. That’s her responsibility. And it sounds like to me that she’s got a pretty serious problem. And honestly, if she’s hiding it, it’s already affecting her life. But there isn’t anything you can do really except ask yourself if this is something you’re prepared to go through her with. I would suggest some help, or al anon and some rehab for her, but again if she isn’t ready to quit those resources aren’t going to help. Best of luck.
You don’t control her drinking, only she can. All you can do is set a firm boundary of what you’ll tolerate in terms of her drinking, and it’s up to her to decide if she can meet the expectations required to live within your boundaries. Please take this very seriously and do not marry her without this being 100% solved and new habits stuck to.
This is tough. A year is a pivotal moment for a relationship, it’s the make or break time.
She has to be the one to change her alcoholism. You can’t fix this issue for her, and it is difficult to love an addict. You’re in a helpless spot when it comes to her addiction, it’s a family disease. That said, there is reward to sticking by someone’s side as they’re struggling.
What does your future look like? Do you want kids, for example? Her health may be a factor there.
I will say, the paranoia and trust issue is not ideal. You could always take some time for yourself as you consider this. You never know, perhaps you leaving will influence her to get some help.
You aren’t responsible for her addition getting better or worse if you leave or stay.
As a recovered drinker with 10 years of sobriety I can say something on this.
Like others said, nothing will happen until she makes the choice to quit.
From my experience, at some point you’re going to have to give an ultimatum. Start preparing for it. It’s not going to resolve itself. She’s going to have to choose between you and the drinking.
There are lots of alternatives to AA, therapy, SMART Recovery, and others. Many meet online.
Just remember you’re going to have to come first. There is only so much you can do to help her.
Alcoholism doesn’t get better over time. It gets worse. She doesn’t need to hit rock bottom to quit. She can quit now. She can do online AA over Zoom. She can drive to a nearby city to try AA. Or she can try alanon if she has a parent who is an alcoholic, as alanon is mostly women.
You can go to alanon for yourself.
You cannot control someone else’s alcohol use. It’s not up to you to solve. It’s up to her.
A lot of folks are suggesting AA, and saying things like “alcoholics can only recover after rock-bottom”, and I know that may be the experience of many, many people in this thread, but I think it’s important for you and your partner to know that there are other treatment strategies, many of which are clinically more efficacious than 12-step programs. Please visit the NIH page on alcoholism – https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/treatment-alcohol-problems-finding-and-getting-help
Your first step should be to talk with your (her) doctor. They can help refer you and at least get you pointed in the right direction. While AA may or may not play a big role in her recovery, she should at least know about all the tools available. Alcohol use disorder is a disease, not a moral failing. Best of luck to each of you.
No advice. Just in a similar situation. Loving an alcoholic is hard. You are never a priority. The rest of their life gets complicated. Their feelings too. You’re left with what’s left. Often not enough…
I understand the frustration. I met this man about 8 months ago. He told me he had a drinking problem but had not had a drink in many years. He works at a rehab and contributes that to keeping himself sober.
1st man I met that checked off all the boxes in my dating experience. We had a wonderful run, lots of laughter activities etc.
UNTIL…. one day I walked in and there was the bottle. VODKA…. IT has been 3 weeks now and he has not been sober at all. My heart hurts for him.
I am glad you mentioned ALANON. I had not thought about that
Hope you are well