I (17F) and my boyfriend (We’ll call him John, 17M) have been dating almost 4 months now. In this time period, I’ve only ever met his dad twice;
1) the first time we met, just to put a face to my name
2) the 4th of July, they invited me to go hiking.
John’s dad speaks mostly Spanish and seeing as I do not (I’m learning), I normally don’t have much to say to him. This is mutual between us has if we need to say something to each other, John helps.
John has been in Mexico for about a week with family so we have been talking over the phone as of late. Last night during one of our late night talks, he was telling me about his family and how they asked about me. Of course I giggled and felt included and was joking around and smiling. -Something about me and my bf is that he is a Christian (waiting til marriage, no work on Sundays type of Christian) and I am an active neo-pagan. We are both aware of this and it doesn’t bother us.
It would however bother his family. His grandmother asked if I was a Christian and he said “well her parents are” and quickly brushed it off. But with this information, his family proceeds to give him the sex talk during which he was told “watch out for girls like that [myself]. They give you deceases”
As John is telling me this, I laugh it off until he starts talking about his dad.
He starts telling me about when he told his dad we started dating; he says his dad rolled his eyes and said “are you sure? Her?” And when my boyfriend asked why he would say that, he said “look at her. she’s bad news Johnny, People like that need to be left to their own kind.” When asked for more information he said “while she is very nice, she’s dirty.”
TL;DR my bf’s family made comments about me giving him a decease and his dad said my “kind” is “dirty” even though we had only really met once
I don’t know how to feel. I’ve only ever met him 2x :/ advice??
8 comments
It’s not personal. Don’t assume it’s about *you*. It’s just bigoted bullshit. Bigots can know you for a decade, be nice to your face for ages, and still be bigots.
The bigger issue here is how your partner *deals* with the bigotry and any other racism/classism/religious judgment in their family.
At 17 it’s really hard to draw boundaries and tell your parents and elders that this isn’t an acceptable way to speak about your GF, so I’d cut him a bit of slack on that while he lives with them and is dependent on them. But he should at least know that this was bigoted and nasty. He should know, and be able to tell you, that his father was wrong and being a shitty person. He should at least be considerate of your comfort and safety when dealing with his family, if they are bigoted. That means making sure you are not expected to expose yourself to this treatment or this kind of behavior from them.
You’ve only met your boyfriend twice? Once?
Your story is confusing.
Some relationships have builtin headwinds. Multiple kids from an ex. Long-distance. Religious differences. Language. Meat-lover vs vegan. Whatever.
Your relationship has a big headwind. Can it be overcome? Sure. Is it easy? No. Through no fault of yours, your bf is constantly going to feel caught in the middle between you and his family.
I do also wonder how much of your bf’s family’s toxic attitudes he might have absorbed, that just hasn’t been visible yet? Proceed with caution.
Whatever your bf’s dad means by “dirty” is in dad’s own head; the question is whether your boyfriend agrees with him. It’s worth exploring what your boyfriend actually thinks his dad means, and whether or not he fundamentally agrees with him.
The good news is there are lots of guys out there who come from families that will share your values; relationships based on shared values are more stable. That’s a *statistical* truth but not necessarily *your relationship’s* truth.
You’re both 17. You should just enjoy the relationship you have until it ends naturally (which will be when you and/or your boyfriend realize there are things that you can’t really work out), or when you both mature a bit and realize you share enough fundamental core values to make working out the rest of the inevitable rough patches a worthwhile endeavor.
Life is for learning and that’s what this is: A lesson.
Good luck to you both!
Sadly, you are dealing with some deeply primitive people. I mean, if his parents accuse you of being and assume you are very sexually active and diseased just because you are not christian.
You deserve better than that.
Either your boyfriend fully fights your side or get out of there.
There’s multiple facets to this, but the ultimate conclusion is that they’re bigoted. They think people who aren’t Christian are “impure” because they haven’t been baptized. They think you are sinful because you haven’t accepted the Christian God’s law and therefore break the rules of their religion like no sex outside of marriage, among other things. And if you have sex outside of marriage then you probably have sexually transmitted diseases. A lot of nasty stereotyping and unfair judgements. If you told them you were a virgin they probably wouldn’t believe you because non-Christians have no problem with lying obviously, so don’t bother to disclose such personal information, whether it’s true or not.
You might be able to change their mind if you really want to dedicate yourself to it, but they might not ever accept you. The question is, what does your boyfriend think about that? Will he allow his family to treat you poorly? Or will he stand up for you? Figure it out before you waste too much time on him.
>He starts telling me
John needs to learn to keep his damn mouth shut. There’s literally no reason for you to know any of this, or least not the details. At most he should have told you that his family doesn’t like the fact that you aren’t Christian. He did not need to tell you any of the rest of this.
What *exactly* are you asking for advice on here?
I don’t know why your bf needed to share this with you. How did he expect you to react to being insulted by his dad?