I (33f) walked away from a toxic situation with an ex (35m). We have been on and off in and out of each others lives since I was 16 and him 17ish. We met in college (UK) and was dating for a while and always seemed to break up and get back together.
Background information. Since a young age I have had a history of self harm. There is childhood trauma and abandonment issues that I am having therapy for. This was caused a lot by my dad and some insecurity issues that were cause by both mum and dad.
Recently, with my new therapist (she is wonderful) I have been working on my self esteem and self love. Me and the ex have not been in contact for around 5/6 years due to him starting a relationship with another woman. She made him call me and cut me off, I didn’t know he was interested in anyone else at the time and I thought we were dating. In September of 2021 we reconnected due to his mums passing. I reached out to give my condolences and I was invited to the funeral. Due to him being in a relationship I didn’t attend as I deemed it inappropriate. We started talking on fb roughly daily catching up and me uplifting him. We then met up and just caught up in November where I found out he was no longer with his misses (they have 2 young children together). I was there as a friend and he admitted he still had feelings for me. I was unsure about this due to the heaviness of what he was going through at the time. He said let’s start of as friends, and see where things go. He started to come over to my place after work up to 4 times a week and staying over. This lasted for a few months. We was acting as we was in a relationship. I did voice my concerns about being a rebound and we talked and got to know each other again as much has happened in the 5/6 years. He assured me I wasn’t and that he has always had these feelings for me. They never left and he wanted to reach out many times over the years but didn’t. We became very close, he would call and text every day. I was cooking for him and running his baths. He would mention things about work and I would listen and be an open ear and vice versa. This was the best we have ever been in 17 years. Then in February it all just stopped…..its just like he had no more energy. I was getting replies back in 2 to 3 days. No calls. No messages. No visits. So I backed off.
I have noticed the same patterns happening now as I did then 6 years ago. He was distancing himself from me. Everything else was more important. He was always tired. A week would go by and I wouldn’t see him. Then 2. Then 3. And now it’s been just over a month.
Over the Christmas period I went through one of the darkest stages of my life. I won’t go into details but I almost wasn’t here to write this. He was around and listened and we spoke and opened up to each other a lot, but he has no idea how some of the comments he made hurt me. And now, with the help of therapy, I have seen all the red flags I missed in this infatuation.
My question isn’t how do I win him back. Its how to I deal with the emotions of walking away? I have stopped reaching out because I realised it was always me. I would message and wait for a reply days later. I have stopped calling. I have stopped sending memes and jokes. It’s been a few weeks now and I have managed to delete his number but we are still connected on socials. I find it very difficult to not check them. See if he has posted. I am so hurt and angry that I have been dropped again with no explanation. And I don’t want to return as I’m building my self worth and I didn’t realise how much he tore me down and drained me.
I flip between sadness, disappointment (in myself and his behaviour towards me), anger and wanting revenge. I believe he has gone back to the relationship with the mother of his children.
How do I help heal myself in a healthy way? I do my journaling. I do things inside and outside the home to be productive. I talk to people about this. I just don’t feel its working and I don’t want to go back to old habits.
Reddit. Please help me
TLDR: Walked away from a toxic relationship and I don’t know how to cope in a healthy way to the emotions.
3 comments
The best way is typically via therapy.
>I have managed to delete his number but we are still connected on socials. I find it very difficult to not check them. See if he has posted.
DROP the socials. They’re holding you back.
Try learning to practice daily meditation sessions, very soul refreshing.
I think it would be helpful to dig deeper into what it is that caused you to be drawn to this man in the first place. This kind of attachment you have to him can probably be traced back to the relationship you had with your parents or another important figure in your life. Maybe this guy is the representation of those issues, and your relationship with him is you trying to resolve them.