Does anyone else feel the same? I’m a guy in my 30’s. Fairly attractive, financially stable and pretty good personality. By good personality, I mean people think I’m pretty funny, smart, caring, and I do attract women because of that. Since I turned 30, sex has never been something too hard for me to seek. It’s a pretty regular occurrence even on the first date, with girls who “have never done this before”. Now the problem is I absolutely hate one night stands however. It’s awkward, it leaves me empty and drained, costs too much of my time and most of the time I don’t even want it that much. I even have to keep taking Cialis to keep myself going. I lost count of how many women I have slept with a long time ago. I keep jumping from one to the next to build that number, so I can talk about it and low-key brag about it. My female friends don’t want to hang out with me anymore, because they’re just tired. They are tired that I’m in my 30’s and still acting like sex is an achievement to be proud of. I lost long-time friends because of that. Now I am bitter about that, but I don’t think it’s totally my fault, for I have done nothing but good things to them. But it is what it is.
But the problem is I can’t stop. I want to feel wanted and desired by women. I was in a long term relationship in most of my 20’s and I didn’t grow into myself then, and I feel like I have missed out so much. I will only look decent for not too long, and I want to make use of how I look right now. I want to meet and sleep with all the women that once too attractive for me, now most of the are attracted to me. It’s not about the sex, it’s about the human connection that I have missed during my whole 20’s. But the more I do this, the more I hate myself. On another hand, I start to get super picky and jaded with women that I start to be afraid I would never find the right one. After a while everyone is the same. I almost feel like: on dates, I’m just talking to another Turing machine. I can almost predict what the girl is about to say because I have met a person like her, one way or another. This is in no way I am trying to denigrate women as a whole. It’s just my experience. I’m just bored on 95% of my date. a lot of the women I met are wonderful people, and some of them are totally infatuated with me, but I keep finding myself ghosting them after the sex. And I haven’t felt a connection to a girl since forever. No one has made me feel the way my ex gf did, and I am afraid I will never have that feeling again. She had vaginismus so our sex life was nonexistent, but I never felt like I needed it. I just felt happy and fulfilled when I was with her. But she’s slipped away from my hand now and I can’t keep thinking about her. But I’m scared I will never be able to love again.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I want out. I desperately want out andd be better. But I just don’t know how. It’s like I’m addicted to the female attention. I would drop a work deadline, be yelled at, risk losing my really well paid job, just to be on Tinder. I am making good money, I am having a lot of sex, but I’m not happy with my love life or my emotional side. I feel wrecked and broken.
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Every romantic relationship is a one night stand until it isnt
Therapy, my guy.
This sounds like you need some self control and drawing and holding boundaries for yourself. You’re basically trying to cut off a behavior you’ve trained yourself in doing and that isn’t getting you the desired outcome.
You’ve pointed out you’re doing it to get a human connection and because you seek out female validation and attention but afterwards don’t feel good. Remind yourself of how you have felt the countless other times you’ve done it; maybe even after one time write down exactly how you feel in the moment so you can reread it and remember. Additionally, work on your own self esteem and don’t tie your self worth as much to female validation and the number of people you have sex with. You’re a great person because you’re you — the number of people you’ve slept with doesn’t make you better or cooler or anything. It sounds like some friends have validated that it’s not a good view by walking away from your friendship.
Personally, if I’m being honest, hearing someone is just having sex to build up their number as an “achievement” is a complete turn off and I wouldn’t consider a long term relationship with someone like that until they’ve sorted that out and found a different viewpoint on sex. I’m sure you’re not saying this directly to any women, but the mentality may sort of come through in your behavior, etc.
Jerk off before the date
Brother… I feel this, deeply. I have no answers, but your not alone. I fell in love with my ex in high school, we were best friends and she was perfect in every way, the sex was insane and our bond was beyond anything I thought possible. I feel like I’m chasing that now. I’ve had better, much better. But I can’t shake her. I can’t replace her. I don’t even care or want her back. I just want to feel that again with someone, that bond/friendship. And I think I hope, running the numbers game, it’s bound to hit once. I’ve had strong emotional connections, just not like that. It’s like, I want to love them, but I know I don’t, not like that 🤷♂️ if that makes sense.
You’ll never get the connection you’re wanting by having sex with every woman you meet. You’ll continue to feel empty and unfulfilled. I know that feeling well.
In my late 20’s and early 30’s I was in a similar pattern of not wanting to have casual sex, (the risks involved, how cold and empty it felt after, etc) but I still chased after it. Not even for the sexual gratification (often it was shitty sex anyway) but the human touch, connection, etc. I was settling for casual sex as a filler for something more meaningful, because casual sex was easier to find.
The fact you feel addicted, and let it impact your life so greatly is a good indicator this is probably a bigger battle that requires therapy.
brother, same. I used to be like that, until I had to tell myself to stop and set the rules for myself: no sex til the 3rd date. I genuinely wanted just a friend so that’s how I approached women, and everything started falling in.
I hope therapy can help you. I have a friend who is also addicted to female validation. Like you it wasn’t about the sex: he had to have different women all the time, not just stick with one FWB. Eventually he got some therapy and he’s now in an open relationship with a woman who is his female equivalent. He occasionally sleeps with another woman, but he loves his girlfriend and unlike you he did occasionally fall in love even before her, but still, maybe this can give you hope.
“sex has never been something too hard for me to seek”
teach me your ways
You sound like an extreme version of myself when I was in my 20’s.
What changed for me is now in my 30’s – I realized with great power comes great responsibility. Just because you can date well and get women in bed quickly, doesn’t you should – I didn’t want to be part of the problem and make even more women jaded on men.
I can get sex if I want to, but finding a life partner is more of a priority to me.
You said it yourself – you are addicted attention from women. I think taking some time off and therapy would be a good idea.