As a woman, what traits/things do you hope not to carry on from your mother if you choose to become another or are a mother?

48 comments

  3. Definitely not being strict, to the extreme level that is pretty much same as abuse.

  4. I’d would let my kids have friends over either to play or stay the night. Missed out on a lot because my mum was too ashamed of the house

  5. I’ll never have kids, but I wouldn’t constantly try to talk my kids out of their feelings. Gratitude is great, don’t get me wrong, but it is okay and valid to be upset. It’s okay to not smile all the time. A huge part of why my marriage failed is because when I was upset, I had no idea how to even communicate that. I squashed it down, and I forced myself to be happy. When I couldn’t do that anymore, I just stonewalled him because I didn’t even know how to talk about being upset because no reason ever felt “good enough.” It’s pretty fucked up to basically teach your kids that their feelings just shouldn’t be felt.

  6. I definitely want my child to see that I enjoy being their mother… I never really got that from my mum

  7. My mom used to and still does favor my brother so obviously even her coworkers asked if she likes me. My mom also parentified me early in that I took care of her while sick, cooked, cleaned all starting at age 9, and then I paid bills (rent included) and worked when I was 15, my brother never had to do these things. Last, my mom told me too much; see would tell me we’re in debt, and losing our home, and her boss is sexually harassing her, and what type of men she prefers in bed. All just TMI. I felt like her diary since I was 4 years old.

    I won’t favor one of my children, alienating another. My children will learn to care for themselves but they will never need to care for me, not even in old age. They are not born to be my caretakers. I will treat our relationship as parent and child. I will not overshare in an attempt to make my child my best friend. I’ll recognize children cannot emotionally process adult stress and try to share only what’s needed.

  8. There’s so many but a few:

    * No to body/weight shaming. Or to Demonising food. I teach my girls health and self acceptance by not talking sht about my body and modelling being active with healthy eating habits that includes all kinds of food

    * My daughters are free to express their thoughts and respectfully disagree with their father and I. They are individuals/human beings who we respect as such

    * I never lay hands on my daughters. I refuse to normalise that someone who is suppose to love them will do that

    * Affection. I openly dote on them and affirm them. What’s important to them is important to me

    * I encourage autonomy and independence but I want them to know that aslong as I’m alive, they will never have to do or go through things alone. They can count on me to show up for them

    * I ensure they know they are not a chore to me. I feel honoured that I get to know and raise them

    * I apologise and hold myself accountable to them

  9. I don’t want to be fully dependent on a man like my mother. She can’t use GPS to navigate and only knows how to drive to a few places by heart. She doesn’t know how to use the Internet to purchase things. She doesn’t pay bills. If my dad passes before her, she won’t be able to fend for herself.

    And that’s why she’s stuck in a loveless marriage.

    I want to show my son what a loving household is and what it means for an adult to, you know, adult. Self-sufficiency is so important.

  10. Perfectionism. I want my child to try hard but also accept that perfection is not always possible and that’s ok. No one is perfect and not to stress if things don’t work out.

    That they are enough just the way they are. My mum once said “you’d be so beautiful if you just lost some weight” and the pain I felt was awful. I will encourage my kids to be health but also love them selves.

  11. She was very controlling academically, I was never allowed to take the courses I wanted to, she had to approve everything. She would read my essays to edit them and rewrite almost the entire thing.

    She was also really strict on how we interacted with other people. Once when I was a teenager, we were at a BBQ for her work. Someone had brought a box of 100 freezies. They were maybe 20 of us, so after we all had one I asked for another one. She scolded me in front of everyone, to the point where her coworker pulled me aside later and said she thought my mom was too strict.

    Basically I want to be kinder and softer than she was. I barely ever felt like I could go to her with my problems, and that’s something I would be desperate to give my kids.

  12. ~fat shaming, negative focus in body image. Instead, I talk to my kids about making healthy choices.
    ~passive aggressive BS.
    ~always the victim card, not loving, negative.

    Let’s just say my childhood was traumatic and I didn’t hear that I was loved very often. I have clear memories of hoping to hear her say she loved me because I wanted to say the “I love you too.” My kids KNOW I love them and they tell me all the time they love me too.
    I apologize to my kids when I lose my temper or make mistakes. I don’t talk down to them like my mom did. I don’t call them cruel, hateful names. I don’t tell them to go find someone who might want them. I make an honest effort on a daily basis to NOT be my mom.

  13. I won’t shut my daughter out, even if I don’t care what she’s talking about. I will listen, I will trust that she will be able to make her own decisions, and I will guide her respectfully if she comes to me for help. I will not get frustrated if she makes mistakes, I will be there for her no matter what.

    Pd: not a mother…yet, I guess.

  14. A lot of these are the toxic traits they don’t want to repeat, meanwhile I just want to make sure I have close friends and hang out with people, and have more experiences. My mom doesn’t have any buddies and never really did minus work acquaintances, and doesn’t really leave the house much on her own. I feel like my mom doesn’t have much independence or a social life. I think it’s important your kids see you enjoying life and people too.

  16. Not to label food as good or bad to ensure a healthy relationship with food. I’ve been struggling with food and EDs since I was 14 and only now at the age of 25 I can finally buy myself a chocolate when I feel like it and be happy about it. I don’t want that struggle for my children

  17. To respect their privacy. My phone was constantly raided and my diaries always read by my mother and just resulted in me becoming a sneaky little sh*t

  19. Her perfectionism and uptightness. I dont want to pressure my child into having to do things an ultra particular way and to instill in them kind of fear of making mistakes.

    Her pride. We have plenty of clothes here that we dont wear anymore and i always encourage her to set up a garage sale but she doesnt want to because she doesnt want to be out there selling in full view of everybody.

  21. I have an amazing mom who is incredibly kind and accepting. But no parent is 100% perfect. I want to teach my future child to…

    * feel comfortable expressing an opinion. My mom was always quiet about hers in an effort to maintain peace and calm, and that’s my default too.

    * maintain boundaries, say no when you want to.

    * be comfortable with eating all types of food and with their body.

    * feel they can come to me for anything. My mom generally let me do my own thing and figure out a lot of stuff on my own, and sometimes I felt like I couldn’t talk to her about certain things. I really needed more guidance regarding “awkward” things like having a boyfriend, safe sex, being broken up with, etc.

  22. My mum is a very “you can’t change how I feel I’m in charge of my own feelings” type of person. Which I get. But she expected that of her kids and often just came off as invalidating.

    I want my kids to be strong, but also not feel like they’re weak because they’re effected by what other people say and do to then.

  23. – I treat them like functional adults and nurture them to become people who have their own ideas and opinions and can stand in their own power
    – I will encourage them to explore what they’re good at instead of insisting on forcing them into a box
    – I will try to give care in a way that enables them to develop a secure attachment style
    – I will happily answer their questions instead of getting visibly annoyed, and encourage them to seek answers and find new ways of doing things, instead of insisting they do things a certain way
    – I will never make them feel like they’re imposing on me
    – They are free to disagree with me and have their own opinions, and are comfortable discussing them
    – I will not use corporal punishment or shame as a way to make them obey without explaining why there wrong etc
    – I will try harder to get them to eat more nutritious food. I will keep an eye on them and guard against anyone who even thinks about abusing them
    – I will hug them more often. They should never doubt that I love them.
    – I don’t make promises I can’t keep.
    – ensure they have enough opportunities to socialise through play dates etc so that they develop good social skills that will stand them in good stead
    – I will not deprive them of the latest cool things, so that they’ll be able to fit in, but of course it’s their decision what they want. At the same time, I won’t spoil them. Perhaps they have to earn what they want. Something like that.
    – I will be impartial when dealing with more than one kid.
    – I will spare a thought for my children’s feelings e.g. not scold them in public in front of people they don’t know well.
    – I’ll listen to both sides carefully even if it’s a teacher making accusations against my child.

  24. – Question their decisions to the point it breaks down their confidence.
    – Double standards to house rules
    – Neglecting others’ feelings
    – and the obvious, the subtle body shaming.

  25. I already broke the cycle and left my abuser, while my mom is still married to my dad.

  26. ftm currently pregnant with a daughter, and i just hope she knows i’ll think of her as her own person and not just a toy doll i can put in cute clothing and coddle and dump all my issues to. i think of my own mom as a little girl with no impulse control in the body of a grown woman, who just wants to dress up her dollies (daughters) and use us an emotional crutch for all her many many unchecked issues. i love my mom but i just hope my own daughter never has these same thoughts about me

  27. Passive-aggressive shaming.

    My mom, when I enjoyed something she didn’t approve of (music, clothing, hobbies) she would criticize it in a negative way to shame me or embarrass me out of it. Even at 30, she’ll insult me or the things I do willingly in my own free time because it’s not something she likes. It’s like being negged by my own mother all the time.

    I had to grow a thick skin and be real combative verbally with her growing up. I learned to double down. But I also don’t share any of my hobbies or likes with her.

  28. The second my parents got divorced, my mom went from “super mom” to treating me like I was the biggest burden in the world. She complained about everything. Every meal she cooked. Driving us to school. Buying groceries. How it was unfair she had to work. Etc. She also was constantly sighing and rolling her eyes and going out of her way to show that she was annoyed/stressed. She complained about money and my dad not giving her enough child support to me 24/7. I was 10 (side note: my dad had us 50% of time and paid all our bills and gave her $1000 a month). If I ever had a kid, I would never let them feel like their existence/me having to take care of them was a burden. I would never let them feel like they were unwanted because of divorce, or for any other reason.

  29. Avoiding confrontation. My mother and my sister have had so many conflicts once we both got out of college. So when they don’t talk my sister gets in touch with me (she lives abroad now) to say her piece. Once I start laying it on my mom – and realizes she’s in the wrong, she starts crying or walking away or just simply dismissing the topic. Even when I have issues with her, it’s the same ending.

    I don’t want children but if I ever change my mind, I will make sure that my kids are heard and seen. I’ll be their bestest friend.

  30. Being critical over appearance. My mother was extremely critical of how I look and made hurtful comments about my hips, thighs, etc. She’d say things like “those pants would look good on you if you didn’t have such wide hips” (even though I didn’t).

  31. 1. Religiousness
    2. narcissism
    3. constant violation of trust and inability to trust
    4. favoritism

  33. No trying to shove femininity down my future hypothetical daughter’s throat. I’m most certainly not going to insist that she start wearing makeup because “its part of being a woman”. I’m most certainly not going to insist that she wear high heels and get a spray tan for a formal event, not ever.

  35. My mom didn’t like me and constantly showed me, my grandma didn’t like her mom and constantly showed her. For a long time I didn’t want a daughter and couldn’t quite pinpoint why. Now that I’m older I realized it was trauma and I was scared to perpetuate the mother-daughter relationship. I now hope to have a daughter or two. I have their names picked out and I plan to absolutely love and adore them and break that generational curse.

  36. This is a conversation that I have quite often with my husband, so I just picked some highlights:

    – No emotional manipulation. I’m about to turn 31 and my mom pulled another one of these stunts just 2 days ago. I used to fall for them, used to be upset by them. Now I’m just disappointed that I could actually predict to a tee what she would do and say, but also proud for standing my ground.

    – Let my kids be kids. No responsibilities that I as the parent should carry will be dumped on their shoulders before they are old enough for that.

    – No negative talk about my own body/ageing or that of anyone else in front of them. The disgust that my mother shows for her own body, and that of others who aren’t model thin is terrible.

    – No putting other people before my kids, or having a favourite kid and actively showing this to everyone (including said kids). I’m the black sheep in my mother’s life, that is her choice but I will not put my kids through the same shit. They will not have to cry in front of their partner and ask why their mother doesn’t love them (just as much as they love their sibling) or why she is putting other people’s needs before those of her kids (her boyfriends specifically).

    – Stand up and speak out loud if somebody threatens to hurt them. No one who wants to hurt my kids is worthy of my time and attention, my kids will know this as well as that their mother has their back. It doesn’t matter what that person’s relation is to me or my kids, they will have no place in our lives.

  38. I would push for them to try things but not punish them if they fail. I was always forced into the gifted programs and honors courses, even if i didn’t want to be.

    I will never talk bad about anyone’s body because I was raised to never be satisfied with the body I was given.

    I will model healthier choices, both in physical activity and eating. (grew up on lots of fast food)

    I won’t judge my kid for how they decide to express their style.

  39. Not to mention how pretty they are or comment on their weight. I was a super smart kid, but that just seemed like a given to my mom. She would instead obsess over my looks and weight and still does it to this day. Like I recently saw my mom and her friend and afterward she told me “Julie said you were looking really great and thin”. Like can we not comment on my weight at all? Good or bad? Still struggling with some eating/workout disorders because of this and I would rather die than put that same kind of pressure on my future children.

  40. Physically I carried my shortness from my mum so I hope I dont pass it to my kids

    Otherwise, my mum was a good person and i wish one day i’ll be as wonderful as she was 🙂

  41. I inherited a lot of health issues from my mom. Migraines, Chiari, and Degenerative Disk to name the big ones. One of the reasons I’m not having biological children is because I don’t want those genes to carry on.

    Behavior wise, my mom’s whole family has an unhealthy relationship with food and weight gain. There’s some deep misogyny and bigotry thrown in there too. I’m the only one in my family that knows my cousin is bisexual because they’ve made it clear he wouldn’t be accepted if he came out to them.

    I think the question would be shorter if it were “what ***do*** you want to carry on?” In which case… I really like the red freckles that I inherited. They’re cute.

  42. My mom is great but she’s very pragmatic, so I often felt alone and dismissed during most of my childish/teenage crises. Of course looking back as an adult, the vast majority of “horrible things” that happened to me were often minor or self inflicted (and not rarely both), but back then they felt like the end of the world. I didn’t have the tools and wisdom to quickly deal with them by myself and move on or to gauge how quickly this [insert bad feeling] would pass.

    I know I’m pretty pragmatic myself in my own daily life, but I hope I’ll be able to be more patient and open to my son’s inevitable catastrophes where it feels like he’ll never be okay again even though I know he’ll likely be over it before the end of the week, if not dinner.

  43. My mother is a hot mess, but essentially I don’t want to trauma dump in my daughter or wanting to see her suffer the same stuff that I suffered like my mother. She also, due to her mental illnesses (personality disorder and depression) she always check out of responsibilities and expected us to be the mature ones, I want to ensure my daughter has a childhood… And because of who she is, she never really cared for anyone above herself so she never ensured our safety and security, she also always wanted to please everyone outside her famil…

    Essentially everything she did, I try to do the opposite…

    For a long time I didn’t want children because of my upbringing, until the day o saw that I am not them and would never made a child of mine to suffer for my own selfish needs

  44. I know this post is mainly aimed at behavioral issues but it wasn’t clarified so here goes my most important one:

    My mother has a mitochondrial illness and I don’t yet know if have it or not. But it is fucked up that you grow up not knowing your mother as a healthy person. When the only version of her that you remember is sick, when it was not usual for her to not be able to run and could barely walk too. In 2007 she got the wrong meds and they almost killed her. At the time she was told she had about 10 years left. Fortunately she’s still alive and seems like the docs were wrong and only the meds made her situation so hopeless then. Hoping for the best still.

    The uncertainty of not knowing whether you have it or not, and if you do, to what extent it’s going to impact your life. This is what I don’t want.

    I want my future child to know a healthy me, one who wasn’t told that I’m gonna die in 10 years. One who is able to run, one who is able to keep up. And also one who cannot pass this illness down to them.

    And one directly resulting from her being disabled: I want to be completely independent financially, even if I do end up having it. I’m studying to become a graphic designer, that might allow me to work even with a condition like that. My mother is basically trapped in a relationship with my step dad who used to abuse us all emotionally, because we wouldn’t be able to support ourselves without his help at the moment. So, this is the other big one. Financial independence.

  47. Hoarder. I’m not though and I don’t have kids so I won’t. But omg gross

  48. Well I outgrew the possibility for a teen pregnancy, so that was good. I want to also want to be healthier and cultivate a better relationship with food than my mom did. I also would want to actually spend time with my kids, help them establish friendships, and let them enjoy life.

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